Thanks again to all who never gave up on me these last five months, whether by active cheerleading or supportive patience - lots of reading and pondering has convinced me it's not about the "trying" but about the "being"... so I will try (ha!) to *be* more accepting of myself, in whatever form, in the future...
Time did march on since mid-July (my last wrenching post) and below is a recap of the "life before my eyes" in that abyss of emotional floundering - I would like to say I feel better now... and I do... but I also am more prepared to handle the ups and downs of the journey. Mixed Nuts, a really lame movie we watched Christmas Day with the exception of some amazing character actors (Madeline Kahn among them), had a great piece of dialogue:
"Just remember that in every pothole there is hope. Well, you see, pothole is spelled P-O-T-H-O-L-E. So if you take the P, and add it to the H, the O, and the E, and rearrange the letters... or contrariwise, you remove the O, T, and the L, you get "hope". So, just remember, in every pothole there is hope!"
:-)
Amen and blessed be - so... Top Ten Past Events, Good and Bad, to Close Out 2010:
10. I did go to Falcon Ridge this July, as I missed the 2009 festival due to Mom's illness/passing - it was amazing to reconnect with friends and music I only experience in person once a year, but are with my cyberly daily...
9. August 5 brought my 56th birthday - I can't even remember what I did, but I do recall telling everyone I didn't need presents, as I really already had everything I wanted...
8. After putting Mom's house on the market mid-April, we signed it over to buyers late-August - closure is always bittersweet and, sad as it is to think we've metaphorically and literally closed that door, we've also moved forward with our lives while keeping the memories...
7. My sister hosted a what-would-have-been-Mom’s-80th-birthday party in mid-September, attended by new and old neighbors as well as other friends - more bittersweetness ensued, as we celebrated someone who always celebrated life...
6. I experienced a personal and professional dream-come-true as I hosted the amazing Dar Williams in early-October at the concert series I've coordinated for the last six years - the evening was a success on so many levels (musical, emotional, financial) and I am beyond blessed. Photo of commemorative tattoo, a few minutes after inking, above - love and thanks to Kristyn... :-)
5. Terry, a friend from book club and the gym, discovered she had ovarian and stomach cancer, and there was only a month from diagnosis to her death on November 14 - it still doesn't seem real and she is much missed...
4. After being with his company for 25 years, the week before Thanksgiving my husband received pre-notification he's being let go in mid-February (they're outsourcing his role to another country) - rather than operating from fear, we are belt-tightening where we can but also thinking positive (along with networking his many resources) that there is something better out there for his talents and experience...
3. In mid-August, I finally got serious about a weight loss program and, as of mid-December, have lost 40 pounds - I look great, feel terrific and, after successfully maintaining through the holidays, will take off another 10 or so to get to goal as well as peace of mind...
2. For the last 10 years (since my mom's second husband was killed in a car accident in March 2000), each Christmas we have traveled to South Carolina to spend time with my husband's family and Georgia to see mine - it has been rewarding but also exhausting and expensive, and this year we made the conscious decision to stay home. We resurrected old traditions (put up a tree and over-decorated) and made new ones - we of course missed being with extended family but actively embraced the holiday in our own home for the first time in a decade...
1. Tonight we will go to a party (home by midnight to honor our champagne-in-the-jacuzzi ritual) and tomorrow finds us hosting a New Year's Day Open House - my wish for 2011 for myself and my friends: inspirational music, thought-provoking literature, heart-based camaraderie and awareness/intention to appreciate and enjoy!
SONG: We Traveled So Far by Mary Chapin Carpenter
BOOK: The Ten Things to Do When Your Life Falls Apart: An Emotional and Spiritual Handbook by Daphne Rose Kingma
POEM: crossing the border by Maya Stein
It hit her, crossing the border into Ontario. The drive from Ann Arbor
had been grey and wet, the rain coming in fat drops,
metronoming her windshield wipers. She'd settled into her seat,
like she'd done for the past 5,000 miles, reached for a stick of gum,
adjusted the radio dial, checked the battery on her cell phone.
The landscape into Windsor was flat, almost featureless,
though the bridge had been magnificent, a real piece of architecture,
the cables long and taut as ballerina legs.
But the strip malls greeted her cheerlessly,
the sky empty of welcome. She drove on, having filled up
on gas at her departure. Finally, the cornfields reappeared,
barns and silos rising out of the land again, and the first
hints of autumn announced themselves in the distant trees.
Maybe it was this particular rain, or that somehow
crossing the border had carried her even further from home,
or that the season's temporal beauty - so splashy now -
would tumble into certain bleakness and cold, but out of nowhere,
she gave the steering wheel a fresh earnest grip,
wanting to hold on to whatever it was
that was letting her go.
And yet, she realized it was time, her own muscles tired
of engaging only to leave her heart frayed so thin.
The exchange was untenable, staying rooted to a past that charmed
and even, occasionally, soothed, but no longer fed.
She had opted for the country road on her way
to the big city, but soon it became clear this wasn't a day
to get lost. The road required an oddly painful slowing. Construction
and idle drivers kept interrupting the steady pressure of her foot
against the gas pedal. The single lane made it difficult to pass.
And though she preferred these roads, their changing scenery and
unexpected finds, she saw the delay they would cost her journey,
and with reluctance, she returned to the highway's swift efficiency.
There is no easy way to cleave the heart
from loving. It does what it does impiously, inopportunely,
uncalendared and unseasoned. What she carried with her she gave
with a lack of deliberation, discretion, scurrying
to greet every opportunity to add to the pile.
But the act of filling had not made her full.
Instead, she was twitchy with worry. Emptiness and sorrow
had attached themselves to her most joyful, generous gestures.
She knew something in her was flagging, losing steam and grace.
She knew she could not puppet this theatre any longer.
The road was wide and clear. Somehow, the rain seemed less
rigorous here, and she turned off her wipers in time
to see the city rise into view, skyscrapers pushing into the clouds.
It would be a lie to say that she was healed, heart full as an udder again.
But I can tell you she was precisely where she needed to be, even
in her brokenness, and she would know where to go
from here.
QUOTE: “Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.” ~ Theodore Roosevelt
Friday, December 31, 2010
We Traveled So Far (Mary Chapin Carpenter)
Friday, January 30, 2009
Fix You (Coldplay)
I've written here before that my 78-year-old mom has pulmonary fibrosis and kidney disease, both chronic, irreversible and incurable illnesses – at this point, it's a matter of attempting to slow down the progression and maintain her comfort level. When I saw her at Christmas, I could tell she was much worse than when I'd gone up for the Dar trip at the end of October, only a few months before – I felt the need to have a quality, one-on-one visit with her, outside the structure of our family holiday hecticness of so many people, so little time. Since I'm still unemployed (I continue to plead the blessing-in-disguise defense), I feel fortunate I had a window of opportunity in which to follow through – add to that a $150 round-trip deal, and it was the proverbial offer I couldn't refuse...
Mom has been on oxygen 24/7 since mid-September – her basic routine is to get up, make a pot of coffee and settle in to a corner of the couch in her living room, where she stays the majority of the day, watching television and napping, leaving there only to get something to eat or go to the bathroom or return to her bedroom at night. Breathing is more of a struggle when she moves around (activity also causes coughing) – it's therefore more comfortable (and comforting) for her to stay as sedentary as possible. Mom is so frustrated – her mind is still so sharp but her body is betraying her...
The first thing I did when I arrived was to head up to Publix and spend $200 on healthy foods to cook for mom – I planned a week's worth of meals, the most important of which was the Southern sh*tpot of soup, for which I used ground turkey and organic vegetables: carrots, green beans, onions, corn cut off the cob and rice (I had to use white because people with kidney disease can't process brown rice... nor whole grain pasta, wheat bread or any high-fiber foods). We had the soup for dinner that evening and I put up 8 containers in the freezer – I did the same for each subsequent meal such that, by the time I left there were 19 Tupperwares stockpiled for future use (2 of them contributed by my dear sister, who will continue the ritual... :-)
Another reason for going was to assess mom's 24/7 routine, as well as gauge how she's able to accomplish certain tasks (with or without help) and what tools/support she needs to make her life easier on a day-to-day basis – first of all, thankyoujesus for my sister Mari, who gets mom to all her doctor appointments and runs interference with the medical/insurance/paperwork world... and to my brother Brad, who stops in weekly or every other week to handle major tasks that mom cannot (grocery shopping, putting up/taking down her holiday decorations, changing the sheets on her bed, etc.). Mari and Brad each live about 30 minutes from mom, which is quite a consolation to me, 12 hours away – I do not take them for granted...
Then there is mom's secondary support group, the amazing angel neighbors of Rose, Claire and Ann – seriously, mom would never have been able to stay in her house as long as she has without their assistance. They are all dear in their own way... Rose sweet, soft-spoken and a great listener (she's a nurse); Claire strong, independent, outspoken; Ann judgemental, tactless, protective – Rose walks across the street and visits with mom each evening, and Ann and Claire call her during the day and, if mom doesn't answer her phone after a few attempts, one of them will go to the house to check on her. They will carry her laundry basket to the utility room so mom can wash clothes, take her garbage to the dump (no curbside pick-up in Flowery Branch, Georgia!) and bring in her mail – they are glad to run errands, do chores and buy anything mom needs while they're out...
Mom and I did a lot of heart-to-heart talking while I was there, which I knew was cathartic for both of us – one thing she wanted to do, which we split into two days, was to go through each room of the house, her telling me about various pieces of furniture, knick-knacks and photos. What could have been a sad experience was instead bonding and joyous, as mom filled me in on the history/backstory of cherished items, some of which I knew and others I didn't – it was lovely having her describe the pins on her hat when she was an Atlanta Olympics volunteer... and pointing out the myriad uncles/aunts/grandparents in the sepia-toned stills of Italian families on both sides. It wasn't about divvying up or tagging, but instead a walk through her past - I of course took copious notes, and will type up a document which I'll e-mail to my sister, who will print and have mom look over and make corrections, if necessary. Mom did, however, give me a silver necklace I admired when we were going through her jewelry – Ralph (her second husband, who was killed in a car accident 8 years ago) gave it to her for Christmas in 1999 and the sentimental value is priceless...
Friday afternoon I drove mom to her haircut appointment – she did fine up to a certain point (having her portable oxygen tank with her), but ran out of energy toward the end. Myra, her hairdresser, walked us to the car and sweetly told mom that, from now on, she'd be more than glad to come to mom's house and cut her hair (as she had a few other people she did that for) – we were so touched at her offer, and I've encouraged mom to take her up on it...
Friday night we watched the movie Young @ Heart, an uplifting documentary which Anne told me about when I posted Yes We Can Can for Hope and Change Week on Star Maker Machine, warning that a few of the elderly characters died during the making – we decided to go ahead with it, and were so glad we did, as mom truly enjoyed, despite the bittersweet nature of the film which celebrates the aging process, knowing their accomplishments were beyond her capabilities. The soundtrack was amazing and, even though my husband is a big Coldplay fan (as is my daughter), I've never really listened to their music – the song I used for this blog post title, Fix You, hit me in the heart as it began as a duo between two male characters and ended up as a solo...
My sister and brother came over Saturday night for a confab with me and mom, to discuss short- and long-term options – it was a great brainstorming session, in which we came up with so many options to expand her ease of operation around the house: Brad will buy and install a hand-held shower attachment for mom's bathroom; we will get her a LifeAlert necklace; I set up one of her spiral notebooks as a To Do List of Chores/Errands/Purchases so she can write down whenever something needs done (rather than having to remember it) when someone asks how they can help; I got my aunt's walker out of the garage and although mom stubbornly refused to use it most of my visit, she did try it out my last few days there and begrudgingly admitted it made things a bit easier; I placed a few of her dining room chairs throughout (calling them “halfway houses”), in which she could sit and catch her breath on her way from one room to another...
Saturday afternoon we (my mom, me, Mari and Mari's 12-year-old daughter Julia) played Scrabble – I kicked everyone's *ss (as usual!)...
Sadly, my sister told me a few weeks ago that she's getting a divorce... and thankfully so far everything's been amicable – the blessing in disguise here is that Mari will now be looking at houses with a downstairs bedroom/bath for mom to move in. Mom has informed us she wants to stay in her own house as long as she's able, and we agree – however, it's nice to know there's a Plan B when the time comes (as of this writing, Mari had put in an offer on a house which feels like a meant-to-be... and my purple candles have been burning non-stop)...
We also came up with lots of questions to ask mom's new pulmonologist, which she saw Wednesday, the day after I left – a full report on that tomorrow...
I brought my laptop and 5 books and was able to do a bit of work/play at night or when mom napped or showered, but didn't have nearly as much free time as I thought I would (getting through only 3/4 of one of the novels) – I didn't even walk while I was there, mostly because it was cold but also because I didn't want to leave mom alone for long. I concentrated on staying strong and upbeat when we were together, but allowed myself to fall apart in the car running errands... or late at night when she was asleep... or in the shower (like Glenn Close in The Big Chill) - it sometimes was too much to bear, as it still is when someone asks how she's doing and I feel so fragile I fear I will shatter into a million pieces...
One of the things I did when I got home was to set up an e-mail distribution group called The Connie Circle, consisting of me, Mari, Rose, Claire, Ann and my daughter Sarah – this way we can all keep each other in the loop regarding doctor appointments, visits and ideas...
I don't know who was more grateful for our time together, me or mom - she was so appreciative of my assistance and company... and I felt glad to finally be able to do something tangible instead of worrying long-distance...
To be continued...
P.S. SMM here, here, here, here and here...
SONG: Fix You by Coldplay (YouTube video here...)
BOOK: The Breakdown Lane by Jacquelyn Mitchard
POEM: For the Traveler by John O'Donohue
Every time you leave home,
Another road takes you
Into a world you were never in.
New strangers on other paths await.
New places that have never seen you
Will startle a little at your entry.
Old places that know you well
Will pretend nothing
Changed since your last visit.
When you travel, you find yourself
Alone in a different way,
More attentive now
To the self you bring along,
Your more subtle eye watching
You abroad; and how what meets you
Touches that part of the heart
That lies low at home:
How you unexpectedly attune
To the timbre in some voice,
Opening in conversation
You want to take in
To where your longing
Has pressed hard enough
Inward, on some unsaid dark,
To create a crystal of insight
You could not have known
You needed
To illuminate
Your way.
When you travel,
A new silence
Goes with you,
And if you listen,
You will hear
What your heart would
Love to say.
A journey can become a sacred thing:
Make sure, before you go,
To take the time
To bless your going forth,
To free your heart of ballast
So that the compass of your soul
Might direct you toward
The territories of spirit
Where you will discover
More of your hidden life,
And the urgencies
That deserve to claim you.
May you travel in an awakened way,
Gathered wisely into your inner ground;
That you may not waste the invitations
Which wait along the way to transform you.
May you travel safely, arrive refreshed,
And live your time away to its fullest;
Return home more enriched, and free
To balance the gift of days which call you.
QUOTE: "Live with skillful nonchalance and ceaseless concern." ~ Prajnaparamita Sutra
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Life's a Song (Terri Hendrix)
Today is Thursday, January 31, 2008 - I began this blog on Monday, May 14, 2007 with the intention of posting daily a thematic song/book/poem/quote revolving around my life's passion for music and literature, more as an exercise in creativity/
journaling/scrapbooking than any desire for feedback or validation. I will pass my 7000-hit mark today, which absolutely amazes me - I'm not a math person, but that equates to almost 1000 hits a month, about 30 a day, mind-boggling when I have absolutely no expectations in the grand scheme of things. Believe me, I understand the perspective - some bloggers actually receive 300 *comments* in *one 24-hour period* :: shakes head in wonderment ::
I assumed I was flying under the radar, "delusions of anonymity", I recently wrote - as a friend responded, "The internet does not allow for such things", and I am finally, dazedly, becoming aware. I have found myself on the RSS feed of a non-traditional, yet prestigious, internet radio station... on the website of one of my favorite musicians... and on the blogrolls of a handful of people whose philosophies I respect and admire - I have been linked to and tagged, and it's all just so d*mn overwhelming and fascinating and fun!
I have met (and been befriended by) some incredible people, and crossed paths with/entertained/enlightened by many others who have no clue as to my existence - it's a small world/spiderweb/ripple effect of a family, one link leading to another, most regular people like me who are documenting their life experiences in small or grand, but always important, ways.
So... whoever you are out there... clicking, reading, commenting... thanks - my spew-and-send has somehow, sometimes touched a chord and I'm feeling extremely grateful... and blessed... and overjoyed to be in this skin at this time on this planet...
All that being said, I am in awe of some stunning (in all senses of the word) blogs out there, timesuckers (in a good way, Martha) that encourage me... spiritually, emotionally, artistically, physically, ecologically, musically, humorously, literarily, organizationally... to learn/laugh/cry in my own journey of self-discovery - in fact, today (Thursday, January 31 by 10:00 p.m.) is the last day to vote for the Eighth Annual Webblog Awards: the 2008 Bloggies. Check out "the best of the best" - I repeat... amazing... :-)
SONG: Life's a Song by Terri Hendrix
BOOK: Clear Blogging: How People Blogging Are Changing the World and How You Can Join Them by Bob Walsh
POEM: The Big Heart by Anne Sexton
"Too many things are occurring for even a big heart to hold." - from an essay by W. B. Yeats
Big heart,
wide as a watermelon,
but wise as birth,
there is so much abundance
in the people I have:
Max, Lois, Joe, Louise,
Joan, Marie, Dawn,
Arlene, Father Dunne,
and all in their short lives
give to me repeatedly,
in the way the sea
places its many fingers on the shore,
again and again
and they know me,
they help me unravel,
they listen with ears made of conch shells,
they speak back with the wine of the best region.
They are my staff.
They comfort me.
They hear how
the artery of my soul has been severed
and soul is spurting out upon them,
bleeding on them,
messing up their clothes,
dirtying their shoes.
And God is filling me,
though there are times of doubt
as hollow as the Grand Canyon,
still God is filling me.
He is giving me the thoughts of dogs,
the spider in its intricate web,
the sun
in all its amazement,
and a slain ram
that is the glory,
the mystery of great cost,
and my heart,
which is very big,
I promise it is very large,
a monster of sorts,
takes it all in--
all in comes the fury of love.
QUOTE: "I... recommend to every one of my Readers, the keeping a Journal of their Lives for one Week, and setting down punctually their whole Series of Employments during that Space of Time. This kind of Self-Examination would give them a true State of themselves, and incline them to consider seriously what they are about. One Day would rectifie the Omissions of another, and make a Man weigh all those indifferent Actions, which, though they are easily forgotten, must certainly be accounted for." ~ Joseph Addison, 1712
Friday, December 21, 2007
Footsteps of the Faithful (Dave Carter and Tracy Grammer)
Some traditions have been retired and others newly-begun - change isn't better or worse... it's just different. We've gracefully put our nuclear family needs on the proverbial back burner to pay tribute to "the big picture". Since we're the long-distance relatives, it only makes sense for us to venture northward, even if only once a year - conversations flow and comfortable silences abound, and we hug enough to last until the following year.
My sister Mari and I drink wine and listen to my latest holiday mix Christmas Eve while we're making the strada (which has to sit overnight) - it is always my husband's job to grate the cheese. My older children play with cousin Julia (M's daughter) - my brother Brad and my brother-in-law Bill talk sports, all the while my mom glows with love and appreciation that we are all under the same roof.
Julia will wake us up entirely too early to see if Santa has arrived (although, at 11, she's clued in) - presents will overflow from under the tree, and Mr. Claus will have gifted everyone as well. Sometimes he slips something into a stocking that the receipient is not expecting (like the gorgeous bracelet from my husband last year) - we ooh and ahh over each unwrapping, taking the time to cherish (just as the time was taken to choose the perfect gift).
The rituals with my husband's family are different, yet equally comforting - it will be especially difficult this year, considering his father's passing only a month or so ago...
Many things have not gotten done this year, and I'm reconciled to the fact - I'm working harder at taking better care of myself... which means I'm trying to get more sleep... which means I really miss those hours between midnight and 3 a.m. when I do my best work! Cards are late... but the love that remains in my heart for the endurance of friendship and family never wanes...
When I got home from work this evening, I passed out gifts to our four immediate neighboring houses - a group of boys came caroling, and the dog and I watched, listened and smiled... :-)
We're out of here in the next 10 minutes - much love to all and I'll be in touch when we get back in town... <3
SONG: Footsteps of the Faithful by Dave Carter
BOOK: Southern Christmas Literary Classics of the Holidays by Judy Long, Thomas Payton (Editors)
POEM: Written on Christmas Eve, 1513 by Fra. Giovanni
I salute you. I am your friend,
and my love for you goes deep.
There is nothing I can give you which you have not.
But there is much, very much, that, while I cannot give it,
you can take. No heaven can come to us unless our hearts
find rest in it today. Take heaven!
No peace lies in the future which is not hidden
in this present little instant.
Take peace! The gloom of the world is but a shadow.
Behind it, yet within our reach, is joy.
There is radiance and glory in darkness,
could we but see. And to see, we have only to look.
I beseech you to look!
Life is so generous a giver.
But we, judging its gifts by their covering,
cast them away as ugly or heavy or hard.
Remove the covering, and you
will find beneath it a living splendor,
woven of love by wisdom, with power.
Welcome it, grasp it, and you touch
the angel's hand that brings it to you.
Everything we call a trial, a sorrow or a duty,
believe me, that angel's hand is there.
The gift is there and the wonder of
an overshadowing presence. Your joys, too,
be not content with them as joys.
They, too, conceal diviner gifts.
Life is so full of meaning and purpose,
so full of beauty beneath its covering,
that you will find earth but cloaks your heaven.
Courage then to claim it; that is all!
But courage you have, and the knowledge that we are
pilgrims together, wending through unknown country home.
And so, at this time, I greet you,
not quite as the world sends greetings,
but with profound esteem and with the prayer
that for you, now and forever,
the day breaks and shadows flee away.
QUOTE: "For centuries men have kept an appointment with Christmas. Christmas means fellowship, feasting, giving and receiving, a time of good cheer, home." ~ W.J. Ronald Tucker
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
The Long Road (Cliff Eberhardt)
My trip to the Falcon Ridge Folk Festival (with a few days on either end) was almost a week, my return flight into Ft. Lauderdale was delayed Monday evening and I hit the ground running, back to work that Tuesday morning - this past weekend was full with obligations, not to mention birthday festivities, and then Monday rolled around again. I'm still tired and back to overwhelmed, with very little opportunity to ruminate, much less put my thoughts into any semblance of coherence.
So... I'll continue to post relevant songs/books/poems/quotes until divine inspiration strikes - it will happen when it's meant, I have no doubt...
SONG: The Long Road by Cliff EberhardtQUOTE: "Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Fantastic Planet of Love (Marshall Crenshaw)
BOOK: A State of Mind: The Falcon Ridge Folk Festival - Liz Carlisle's Harvard College Undergraduate Thesis, Department of Folklore and Mythology, Special Field in Ethnomusicology, March 23, 2006
POEM: Journey by Mark Strand
QUOTE: "How does one keep from "growing old inside"? Surely only in community. The only way to make friends with time is to stay friends with people…. Taking community seriously not only gives us the companionship we need, it also relieves us of the notion that we are indispensable." ~ Robert McAfee Brown
