Saving Grace (The Head and the Heart)

Since 2008, it has been my custom each January 1 (a so-far-15-year tradition) to ascribe to Christine Kane's concept of choosing a Word of the Year to inspire/motivate/give me direction as to the tone/theme of my upcoming 52 weeks/365 days.  In retrospect, some of my previous words/phrases have been Release, Create, Let It Go, Health, Light, Follow-Through, Contentment, Forward, Stretch.

With my recent affinity for gardening leading me to Herbalism (which I am fond of calling Kitchen Witchery), my mind has been both blown and soothed at the same time, if that makes a bit of sense... and I landed on the word SAGE, with its many definitions:

~ Wise:  as of my 68th birthday this past August, I am officially a Crone, you know... 😉

~ Smudging/clearing:  releasing the old/making way for the new

~ Medicinal:  I am not only using this particular herb to infuse my water these days (perfect with a few slices of lemon), but one of my first discoveries a year and a half ago in the garden (endless thanks to Claire!) was butterfly pea flower tea (Clitoria ternatea; yes, that’s its real name!); current clinical studies confirm its ability to calm/de-stress, enhance cognitive functions, and alleviate symptoms of numerous ailments including fever, inflammation, pain, and diabetes, not to mention the magical powers of adding lemon to change its vibrant cobalt-blue color to a gorgeous purple... 🌟

I am now the person who saves glass jars to gather and store, not just shiny trinkets as my Crow Brain was previously fond of, but lemon balm and cranberry hibiscus and holy basil (for tea), calendula, African Blue Basil, the aforementioned butterfly pea flowers, and comfrey (for the Bath Tea I have been making).  [You would be right in envisioning my dining room table perpetually covered in brown paper bags with an assortment of drying leaves!]  I'm even drying seeds of a yellow (Thai) eggplant (from Kathy) and papaya seeds of the dwarf fruit from our Hope Garden to share with volunteers.  

Re: the greenery on my third-floor condo catwalk and balcony, I am getting away from growing ornamentals (other than the sentimental gifts of Reba's peace lily, Linda's plumeria, Brian's desert rose, Judi's mom's iris) and concentrating on plants that are edible and/or useful.

These days I feel like Hamnet's wife (in the best possible way... 🌱🌺🌿)

Manifesto for an Enchanted Life by Sharon Blackie

1. Everything around you is alive: believe it. Tell stories to stones, sing to trees, start conversations with birds. Build relationships. You’ll never be lonely again.

2. To be fully in your body is to be fully alive. Get out of your head and into the world.

3. Look for the wonder wherever you go. Be all your life, as American poet Mary Oliver suggested, 'a bride married to amazement'.

4. Embrace mystery – don’t be afraid of what you don’t know.

5. Cultivate your mythic imagination: the inner and outer landscape of myth.

6. Know your place. Learn to belong, because wherever you go, there you are. There is nowhere else real to be.

7. Cleave to the local and the ethical. Cultivate community spirit, and autonomy.

8. Slow down.

9. Create. Buy handmade. Live folklorically.

10. Don’t have a career: have a life. Find your calling – but, above all, find your meaning in the community of the world.

11. Foster meaningful ritual; make each day a ceremony, or make a ceremony in each day.

12. Cherish otherness, in all its forms; confront in yourself, and explore, the forms of otherness which make you uncomfortable or afraid.

13. Treasure change: it’s the stuff from which lives are forged. Stop looking for the eternal and immutable, and enter the daily dance with the transitory.

SONG:  Saving Grace by The Head and the Heart

BOOK:  The Wild & Weedy Apothecary: An A to Z Book of Herbal Concoctions, Recipes & Remedies, Practical Know-How & Food for the Soul by Doreen Shababy (a Christmas present from my dear friend M)

POEM(S):  Holding the Light by Stuart Kestenbaum

for Kait Rhoads

Gather up whatever is 

glittering in the gutter,

whatever has tumbled 

in the waves or fallen 

in flames out of the sky,

for it’s not only our

hearts that are broken, 

but the heart

of the world as well.

Stitch it back together. 

Make a place where

the day speaks to the night

and the earth speaks to the sky.

Whether we created God

or God created us

it all comes down to this:

In our imperfect world

we are meant to repair

and stitch together 

what beauty there is, stitch it 

with compassion and wire. 

See how everything 

we have made gathers 

the light inside itself

and overflows? A blessing.

Gathering by Nina Bagley  

We are gatherers,

the ones who pick up sticks and stones

and old wasp's nests fallen by the

door of the barn,

walnuts with holes that look like

eyes of owls,

bits of shells not whole but lovely

in their brokeness,

we are the ones who bring home

empty eggs of birds

and place them on a small glass shelf

to keep for what? How long?

It matters not. What matters

Is the gathering,

the pockets filled with remnants

of a day evaporated, the traces of

certain memory, a lingering smell,

a smile that came with the shell.

QUOTE(S):  “Herbalism is based on relationship – relationship between plant and human, plant and planet, human and planet. Using herbs in the healing process means taking part in an ecological cycle.  This offers us the opportunity consciously to be present in the living, vital world of which we are part; to invite wholeness and our world into our lives through awareness of the remedies being used..." ~ Wendell Berry

"A fool thinks how to spend time; a sage how to use it." ~ Leo Tolstoy

"Everyone must leave something behind when he dies, my grandfather said. A child or a book or a painting or a house or a wall built or a pair of shoes made. Or a garden planted. Something your hand touched some way so your soul has somewhere to go when you die, and when people look at that tree or that flower you planted, you're there.  It doesn't matter what you do, he said, so long as you change something from the way it was before you touched it into something that's like you after you take your hands away. The difference between the man who just cuts lawns and a real gardener is in the touching, he said. The lawn-cutter might just as well not have been there at all; the gardener will be there a lifetime." ~ Ray Bradbury

“Plants are a way of life. Using herbs isn’t just about medicine or healing. It’s about breath. Life. About faith, and how to live on this Earth in a more balanced and wholesome way, together. Plants thrive in community. They give out far more than they take in. They are sustainable in every way.” ~ Rosemary Gladstar

The Keep Going Song (The Bengsons)

[thanks to CT for the heads-up to the amazing artist Favianna Rodriguez!]

I am a big fan of the boycott; ask my children, as over the years we have avoided Pizza Hut, Domino's, Hooter's, Chick-fil-A, Fox News, Nestle', Curves gym, etc.  We also proudly take part in the buycott, supporting companies/products that align with our values and principles.  Our family believes in voting with our wallet, and using our dollars to create change.

After much thoughtful consideration, over a month ago I decided to follow through on a hard and fast boycott of Publix, the Florida supermarket chain.  The below article provides all the details but, when I heard in late-January that Publix heiress Julie Jenkins Fancelli helped fund the bulk of former President Donald Trump's January 6 rally in Washington, D.C. that took place just before the Capitol riot, I finally decided to pull the plug on my association with them.  Of course Publix posted a non-disclaimer in that she wasn't technically an employee and therefore this had nothing to do with them, but the supermarket chain has long been known for giving money to conservative causes, most recently Ron DiSantis' re-election (2022) PAC.

Call it the proverbial straw, but I am *done* with them.  Fortunately there are many other grocery store "games" in town, among them Trader Joe's, Sprouts, Aldi, Target, Whole Foods, and Costco, most of whom deliver via Instacart.  They may not miss me, but I will definitely not miss them, and I am of the Alice's Restaurant philosophy, that segues from one person to two ("in harmony") to three ("an organization") to 50 ("they may think it's a movement").

Join me?  #boycottPublix 

‘The last straw’: the US families ending love affair with grocery chain after Capitol riot:  Families are boycotting Publix after a member of founding family donated $300,000 to the Trump rally that preceded January’s deadly Capitol attack

As is tradition, five items below of beauty, interest, and humor to brighten your day/weekend/week.  Enjoy!

~ Curbside Pickup. Bicycle Deliveries. Virtual Book Discussions. Amid Virus, Bookstores Get Creative:  “We’re going to operate like a pizza takeout place,” one independent bookstore owner said. (thanks to CT, again, for the nod to this article!)

~ Chocolate:  Some people are perfectly fine without it. My friend Ross jokes that he can go for months at a time and not even notice. I too felt like that about chocolate—that is, until the pandemic started. (by Aimee Nezhukumatathil)

~ Kate Baer Is Speaking Truth. From Her Minivan:  Who says motherhood can’t be literary, even poetic?

~ The Bengsons:  Married duo The Bengsons blend soaring vocals, frenetic rhythms and rousing all join hands choruses to create new hybrid indie rock/art/theater performances. Their Americana-influenced brand of Indie Rock has received accolades from fans and critics alike.  [I am officially obsessed with these people, after discovering their Keep Going Song a few months ago.  They have a YouTube channel, and there is a musical, too.  Wow!

~ Why I Didn’t Answer Your Email:  Because my inbox will always be waiting for me, but my children will not. (by KJ Dell’Antonia)

NR:  Infinite Country by Patricia Engel

SONG:  The Keep Going Song by The Bengsons

BOOK:  The Dandelion Insurrection:  love and revolution by Rivera Sun

POEM:  Experiment in Empathy by Ellen Bass

The scientist places each rat

in its own glass box

and for thirty seconds he plays

"What a Wonderful World."

In the last three seconds, he shocks the rat.

This is followed by ninety beats of silence.

And then the cycle begins again.

As she describes it to me

I can't help thinking

how familiar this is - one minute

Louis Armstrong singing

and the next--

some fever or wreck, some impossible mistake.

And I sit holding a spoon,

unable to lift it to my mouth, unable

to put it down.

This strain of rats descends 

from a circus in the 1800s. Their ancestors

swung in satin-ribboned trapezes

and leaped through tiny rings of fire.

Now, none of those skills can save them.

And here's the thing:

a rat who isn't shocked,

who only watches,

panics too. That is empathy.

Feeling what another creature feels.

But sometimes it's too much to ask

a person to inhabit

the strange region of a foreign heart.

Once, when I was in a glut of pain,

I said to a friend,

Just take an hour and imagine

this is happening to you.

She looked straight ahead

and said, I don't want to.

QUOTE:  “There is only one time that is important – NOW! It is the most important time because it is the only time that we have any power.” ~ Leo Tolstoy

Double Vision (Foreigner)

Well, this was supposed to be a post about my "resolutions" for the New Year but, as we all know (thanks to John Lennon), life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans.  Long Story Short:  everything's okay, but I was in the hospital for 48+ hours.

Long Story Long:  I suggest you make yourself a cup of hot tea (or pour a glass of wine) and pull up a chair.  We're going to be here a while!

I started with blurry vision earlier in the day on New Year's Eve, which I chalked up to eyestrain (hey, I *did* read 100 books in 2020, right?... 😃)  Thought I could go to sleep and wake up fine.  The next morning, it was not only still there, but it was worse.  Gave it another day and, when it had not improved, I decided to visit the Urgent Care across the street (Saturday, January 2).  Obviously Chico had to drive me as I could not and, of course during these COVID times, he was not allowed to stay with me, so I told him to go home, and promised to keep him posted.  I assumed they would give me some eyedrops, and let me go home.  Wrong!

When they checked me in, one of the first things they did was take my blood pressure, which was crazy high; I do have "white coat" reactions anyway, but this was beyond that, so they did an EKG immediately (which was normal).  Swooped me back to a curtained room, hooked me up to a heart monitor and a blood pressure cuff, started an IV port, and gave me an injection of Labetalol.

[Aside:  when I visited my primary care P.A. in mid-October, my blood pressure as well as blood sugar was higher than she wanted it to be, and she prescribed medication.  I, however, wanted to try to bring everything down through diet and exercise, so I didn't fill the prescriptions.  I've also been vegan for 3 1/2 years, and although my food choices are not perfect, I thought they were pretty d*mn good, but I tweaked them a bit anyway.  I also started walking an hour a day then which, in retrospect, probably saved me!] 

When my blood pressure didn't come down substantially, they decided to transfer me to Memorial West Hospital, about 10 minutes down the road (mandatory to give me a COVID test before doing that; next-day results were negative).  I was thinking my husband could just pick me up and drive me over there, but nooooo... it had to be by ambulance, with the siren blaring.  It seemed excessive and laughable; I was feeling no adverse health effects, other than the vision issue, which had now been put on the back burner due to the suspected hypertension and pre-diabetes (determined by a blood test).

I saw more health care professionals in two days than I did in the entirety of 2020.  In addition to the EKG, I also had an echocardiogram, as well as a CT scan (hilarious, because they made me take off all my jewelry which, for those who know me, realize what an ordeal that was:  a watch, four bracelets on each arm, two rings on my left hand, one ring on my right hand, three necklaces, three earrings in *each* ear, and a nose ring!).

Finally moved me to a *real* room at 11 p.m. Saturday night, which was great because they removed the blood pressure cuff and gave me a portable heart monitor, meaning I could move around/go to the bathroom without having to ask anyone to unhook as well as hook me back up (as I had to in the ER).  

There was a mix-up with my nutritional needs the first morning I was there because, even though Vegan Diet was in my patient chart and on the whiteboard in my room, I received eggs (twice).  Then I got a phone call from Bianca, the hospital dietitian, who straightened it out, and provided me with lovely vegetable options the remainder of my stay (hooray!).  Also, Sarah put together (and dropped off) a goody bag for me of bananas, peanut butter, an avocado, and a delicious Parlour Vegan sandwich to make sure I was set.

Sunday morning, a neurologist stopped by, and said:  "it's not a tumor, it's not an aneurysm, it's not a stroke" (thankyoujesus!)... and proceeded to tell me exactly what it *was*:  Left Cranial Nerve VI Palsy which, in my case, was triggered by the high blood pressure and, according to reports:  "in many patients, 6th cranial nerve palsies resolve once the underlying disorder is treated. Idiopathic palsy and ischemic palsy usually abate within 2 months".

A few observations, and then I will wrap this up!

During my hospital stay, I kept hearing 10-second clips of two songs throughout the day, and finally asked one of the nurses:  Twinkle Twinkle Little Star is played when a baby is born... and the Theme Song to Rocky when a COVID patient goes home.  Joy and Happy Tears... 💞

My husband texted me late Saturday night, while I was still in the ER waiting for a room:

Chico:  The apartment is a very lonely place right now.  I hope you can get some sleep.  Sending you a big hug while watching the end of Notting Hill with the song She in the background.

Me:  I'm just a girl, hooked up to a blood pressure monitor, waiting to regain my perfect vision... 😁

 

We had a running family text thread (Chico, Sarah, Rob, and Eric) of love, concern, and support... which sustained me throughout.  I am grateful to have such a wonderful family (as well as my sister and brother, and other near-and-dear friends I kept in the loop).

I honestly felt great the entire time (except for that pesky blurred/double vision), and the whole experience recalibrated my thoughts/attitude.  I am used to having one of my family members in the hospital bed and, being their advocate, sleeping in the crappy recliner.  Now that the situation was reversed, yes... it was hard not having anyone by my side, but I kept thinking of those with COVID or other more serious illness, not able to have their loved one(s) nearby.  My main goal was to remain patient and low-maintenance; I really only needed a large cup of ice every few hours so I could stay hydrated.  I also never watched one minute of TV, because my brain was already so overloaded and I used it as a Zen moment/long weekend... ☮

Also, it is painfully obvious that all of the nurses/staff are overworked and overstressed.  *Most* are beyond compassionate and empathic, and there were a few who lapsed into negative and judgy behavior.  I will leave it at that for now, but I do have examples.

"Only to find Gideons Bible"... 😆

The hospital doctor came in the morning of Monday, January 4 and announced that I was being discharged about lunchtime, which really meant 4:30 p.m., but that's okay because I was finally getting sprung.  Ah, home to my own bed and pillow (substantially better than the standard-issue pancake-thin facsimiles they provide!).  My takeaways:

~ This was all one big fat f*cking wake-up call, meaning I am now on medication as well as much more carefully watching my food choices.  No more processed/convenience foods; reminding myself that Vegan = Whole Food Plant Based.

~ It was recommended by the neurologist that I use a patch throughout the day, alternating between eyes to strengthen both.  Walked yesterday, sans patch, which was tricky, but I *needed* to get back into my routine, so I'm taking it slowly.  Also, I am not "allowed" to drive for a while, so I had to ask Chico to return my library books.  I f*cking hate being dependent on others for anything.  Grrr.

~ I kept my phone on mute the whole time I was in the hospital, and will continue that habit most of the day.  Normally my cell sounds like a 7-11 (ding ding ding!), which is very stressful.  I have learned that most things can wait, and rarely does anyone need an immediate turnaround time.

~ For now, I am switching to decaf coffee because of the high blood pressure issues.  Can't hurt, might help, right?

~ Also, this article popped up yesterday (Whole Foods CEO Takes Heat for Saying the Best Healthcare Solution Is 'to Change the Way People Eat') and... I don't think he's wrong (there are obvious exceptions for COVID, etc.).  Mostly, we really are what we eat!

NR:  Actually, nothing right now, as I need to concentrate on getting my vision back, which will happen if I follow the recommendations I've noted above.  My intention was that A Promised Land by Barack Obama would be my first book of 2021, but that seems pretty daunting, considering.  Setting manageable goals so I can get back on the Goodreads train as soon as possible.  Right now I'm attempting to process Your Body in Balance: The New Science of Food, Hormones, and Health by Neal D Barnard MD FACC, Lindsay Nixon (Contributor) 

SONG:  Double Vision by Foreigner (those of you know me, and aware of my "distaste" for one-word-named 80s bands, are probably laughing your *sses off now... 😲 )

BOOK:  Dream It. Pin It. Live It.: Make Vision Boards Work for You by Terri Savelle Foy

POEM:  Allow by Danna Faulds

There is no controlling life.

Try corralling a lightning bolt,

containing a tornado.  Dam a

stream and it will create a new

channel.  Resist, and the tide

will sweep you off your feet.

Allow, and grace will carry

you to higher ground.  The only

safety lies in letting it all in –

the wild and the weak; fear,

fantasies, failures and success.

When loss rips off the doors of

the heart, or sadness veils your

vision with despair, practice

becomes simply bearing the truth.

In the choice to let go of your

known way of being, the whole

world is revealed to your new eyes.

QUOTE:  “Time and patience are the strongest warriors.” ~ Leo Tolstoy

The Ocean of My Heart (Jennings and Keller)

Dedicated to myself (featuring a song written by my dear friend Laurie... who just happens to be playing my concert series this Saturday night... :-)

I've been working very hard on my Word of the Year vow to take care of myself - every day is far from perfect, but I've made progress and I'm becoming the person I want to be. Thanks, heart... lungs... legs... arms... spirit... brain... etc. for hanging in there with me - it will be worth it, I promise...

SONG: The Ocean of My Heart by Jennings and Keller (lyrics unavailable, but you can listen here...)

BOOK: The Answer is Simple...Love Yourself, Live Your Spirit! by Sonia Choquette

POEM: Love after Love by Derek Walcott

The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other’s welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

QUOTE: "Love is love. All, everything that I understand, I understand only because I love. Everything is, everything exists, only because I love." ~ Leo Tolstoy