Just Like That (Rachel Bissex)

[me, Dar, Reba:  Road Trip to St. Augustine for Dar's March 12, 2020 concert... the day before the world locked down for COVID]

R.I.P. dear friend; I found out about her passing from a post to the sf_folk list a week ago tonight.  The news hit me hard, and I continue to grieve as well as be comforted by the memories.  It is hard to imagine a world without Reba Heyman.  I remembered writing the following to a friend in late-August 2020 and, rather than reinvent the wheel, decided to copy and paste here:

"Before I get in the bath, I wanted to give you some backstory about Reba, and what I was doing today.

I first met Vic and Reba Heyman at the Albuquerque Folk Alliance in February 1999 (my first national conference, if you recall).  Vic and Reba were/are folk royalty.  Based out of Rockville Maryland, they have been on the folk scene for decades, financing many artists' CDs, not to mention careers.  

They are long-time fans of Dar Williams and, when Rachel Bissex passed away in February 2015, they did a tribute double-CD set, and Dar (and Patty Larkin) covered the song Rachel wrote about Vic and Reba, Just Like That.  Confused yet?

So, back to the Folk Alliance.  I crossed paths with Vic and Reba a handful of times; they always had reserved seats on the front row in all of the main showcase rooms.  When I came into one of the rooms, which was full, Reba patted the seat next to her, motioned me over, and said, "Vic is napping.  Please join me!"... and it was the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

They started coming down for the South Florida Folk Festival each January, staying for a long weekend... and then a few weeks... and then a month... until they finally became snowbirds, arriving early-December and leaving late-March.  Vic passed away of Parkinson's Disease in January 2009, while they were still in Florida; he was in a coma a few weeks before he died, and I sat vigil with Reba a few times to keep her company, bringing sandwiches and mandarin oranges, or grapes, because I knew she wasn't leaving the room to eat.

The singer-songwriter Joel Raphael sent Reba a peace lily plant in condolence and, when she was headed back north for the spring, she asked if I would take care of it in her absence... and of course I said yes.  It is with honor as well as trepidation to have co-custody, in that, god forbid anything happens to it on my watch.  I've always sworn to myself that I would just go to the nursery, find a "color match", and no one else would be the wiser.  Thank goodness my theory has not been tested.

Reba is game for road trips, and has been my road buddy all the way to St. Augustine (twice) to see Richard Shindell and Dar Williams (stories for another time).  When she is in town, we do lunch regularly (at least we did, pre-pandemic), and concerts, and dinners with friends.  She turned 83 in March (2020).

She was in Florida when the coronavirus hit, and I checked in with her a few times a week, and asked her to send me her grocery list weekly, so that I could order via Instacart and then deliver to Plantation (about 25 minutes north), sitting on her patio and visiting a while after she put her perishables away.  She was grateful and I was glad to do it, thinking that, if my Mom were still alive, I would love to envision someone doing it for her.  She is fun, and funny, and good company, and often tells the same story, but 80% of the time I let her, and the other 20%, I say, "I love that story!".

Reba decided to go back to Maryland in early-July, one of the main reasons being that she was terrified to be here for hurricane season.  She hadn't been home more than two weeks when she slipped and fell on her stairs, breaking her shoulder, ending up in the hospital (thankfully no surgery required), then to a relative's home, then back to her house with around-the-clock home health aides.  Now her daughter Judy, who lives in San Francisco, has asked Reba to come stay with her (not sure if temporary or permanent), and she'll be flying out September 8.

All this to say (whew!), Reba is giving up her apartment in Florida, and has asked me and Dave to be in charge of sending clothes and special artwork to Judy's... and then distributing the remainder of dishes, glassware, CDs, furniture, lamps, etc. as we see fit... and today was Phase I.  We were super-productive, and we're going back tomorrow.  Yes, it's a lot of work... but it's Reba.

And that's why I'm taking a bath... :-) "

There is more to the story, but I just don't have the heart or the energy to finish it now.  Although I intuited from recent interactions that she was declining, Reba's death was unexpected, sudden, and heartbreaking.  I am inconsolable... and now I have full custody of the peace lily... ☮⚘

SONG:  Just Like That by Rachel Bissex (Rachel wrote this song about Vic and Reba... and Dar Williams covered it on Remembering Rachel, a tribute put together after Rachel's death, which Vic produced/assembled/publicized)... 💕

BOOK:  Notes on Grief by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

POEM:  While I Wait by Brooke James

At the sidewalk café

a white-haired man

asks for coffee, hot,

cream, no sugar.

His daughter touches his sleeve

and points—the cranberry scones 

in the glass case—

your favorite, remember?

His granddaughter splashes

in the ceramic dog bowl 

brimming with cool water 

on the porch step

where I sit shielding my eyes 

from the sun with a menu,

the salmon pink impatiens

in the clay pots tremble 

when a concrete mixer rumbles by,

spinning its vanilla and orange striped drum.

Look, I whisper to the little girl,

a swirled ice cream cone on wheels. 

Late August drifts by,

settles on my sun-warmed knees.

A friend of mine died 

last week, I say to no one

as I wait for you to cross the street,

waving as you come.

[Brooke James: “The poems that really stay with me are the ones in which the big and small moments of life intermingle. This is what I attempted to achieve with ‘While I Wait’: a late summer afternoon in a sidewalk café, made memorable by salmon pink petunias, the death of a friend, cool water in a dog bowl, and you crossing the street to meet me, your hand outstretched in greeting.”]

QUOTE:  "The meaning of life is to give and receive love.  Everything else is just the stage to do this on." ~ Sheryl Cattell

Dancing with My Mother (Rachel Bissex)

From today's Writer's Almanac:

Today is Mother's Day. Mother's Day as we know it — where we celebrate our own mothers, with flowers, gifts, and cards — is relatively new, but annual celebrations to celebrate motherhood are an ancient practice.

The motherhood festivities have historically been in spring, the season of fertility. In ancient Egypt, there were celebrations to honor Isis, the loving mother-goddess, who is often shown in Egyptian art with the baby Horus at her breast, much like Mary and Jesus in later Christian iconography. The cult of the great mother-goddess Cybele began in Turkey and soon moved to Greece and Rome, and she was worshipped in some form for more than a thousand years. Her priestesses led wild celebrations, full of drinking, dancing, music, and all kinds of debauchery.

As the Roman Empire and Europe transitioned to Christianity, the Church set aside the fourth Sunday of Lent as a day to honor motherhood. It was a day to celebrate the Virgin Mary, and for people to honor their "mother church."

In the 1600s, England declared an official Mothering Day for that fourth Sunday of Lent. It was a time when families were encouraged to get together, and servants or workers were allowed one day off work to go see their mothers, since many working-class families in England worked as servants on separate estates and rarely got to see each other. Mothering Day was also declared an exception to the fasting and penance of Lent, so that families could have a feast together.

When the pilgrims came to America, they stopped celebrating Mothering Day, just as they stopped celebrating most holidays that they thought had become too secular.

Mother's Day was reintroduced to America in 1870 by Julia Ward Howe, who wanted to set aside a day of protest after the Civil War, in which mothers could come together and protest their sons killing other mothers' sons.

But the woman who really created Mother's Day as we know it was Anna Jarvis. Her mother had held Mother's Friendship Days to reunite families and neighbors separated during the war, and when she died, her daughter, Anna Jarvis, worked to proclaim an official Mother's Day to honor her mother and celebrate peace. And so on May 10, 1908, the first official Mother's Day celebrations took place in Grafton, West Virginia, and at a church in Philadelphia. In 1914, Woodrow Wilson designated the second Sunday of May as Mother's Day.

But Mother's Day became commercialized very quickly, especially in the floral industry, and Anna Jarvis was furious. She said, "What will you do to route charlatans, bandits, pirates, racketeers, kidnappers, and other termites that would undermine with their greed one of the finest, noblest, and truest movements and celebrations?" But flower sales and card sales continued to grow, and Anna Jarvis died in poverty and without any children of her own.

In the last U.S. Census, there were an estimated 82.8 million mothers in this country, and about 96 percent of American consumers spend money for Mother's Day.

It's midnight on Mother's Day... and it has been lovely, albeit exhausting - I actually spent most of the day with Michael McNevin, a singer-songwriter friend who played my concert series yesterday evening... and had a house concert today, which I drove him to/did merch for. Since my husband and daughter were out of town, it worked out okay - they had left me cards this morning... and I came home to a card and flowers from E, my youngest. All three of my children had chipped in to get me a gift certificate for a facial/massage - can't wait to redeem it sometime this week... and we'll do a family celebration in the next few days as well... :-)

Life is good - I have the most amazing children... and I am loved!

Here are my last two Mother's Day posts...

SONG: Dancing with My Mother by Rachel Bissex

BOOK: Undress Your Stress by Lois Levy

POEM: For A Mother-to-Be by John O'Donohue

Nothing could have prepared

Your heart to open like this.

From beyond the skies and the stars

This echo arrived inside you

And started to pulse with life,

Each beat a tiny act of growth,

Traversing all our ancient shapes

On its way home to itself.

Once it began, you were no longer your own.

A new, more courageous you, offering itself

In a new way to a presence you can sense

But you have not seen or known.

It has made you feel alone

In a way you never knew before;

Everyone else sees only from the outside

What you feel and feed

With every fiber of your being.

Never have you traveled farther inward

Where words and thoughts become half-light

Unable to reach the fund of brightness

Strengthening inside the night of your womb.

Like some primeval moon,

Your soul brightens

The tides of essence

That flow to your child.

You know your life has changed forever,

For in all the days and years to come,

Distance will never be able to cut you off

From the one you now carry

For nine months under your heart.

May you be blessed with quiet confidence

That destiny will guide you and mind you.

May the emerging spirit of your child

Imbibe encouragement and joy

From the continuous music of your heart,

So that it can grow with ease,

Expectant of wonder and welcome

When its form is fully filled

And it makes its journey out

To see you and settle at last

Relived, and glad in your arms.

QUOTE: "What a mother sings to the cradle goes all the way to the coffin." ~ Henry Ward Beecher

Just Like That (Rachel Bissex)

The article below is based on an obituary posted on WFDU-FM Ron Olesko’s blog site and used in the FolkWax e-zine with Ron's kind permission - my personal commentary follows...

Vic Heyman passed away on Tuesday (January 6), leaving the Folk community to mourn the loss of one of the most supportive individuals to have graced this international "family." To the thousands who knew Vic and his wife, they were only ever referred to as ‘Vic and Reba’ – one and indivisible.

Committed folkies, they were SO much more than enthusiastic supporters. For a number of years they ran a very successful concert series in the Washington D.C. area, but their love of the music AND the people who make music took them to all corners of the globe. Vic and Reba attended every Folk Alliance conference as well as many regional events. Vic was a former board member of the Kerrville Folk Festival and they attended numerous festivals across the country each summer. Vic and Reba also wrote reviews for Sing Out! magazine.

While the foregoing could be described as their tangible public contribution, behind the scene, Vic and Reba became "parents" to numerous musicians in the Folk community. In nurturing these "children" they helped those artists gather the courage to go out on a stage and realize a dream. The through occurs that their encouragement, maybe, helped those artists write better songs. It has to be said that, in the Folk community, their support and endearing friendship was legendary.

Vic has been in poor health during the past year. Vic and Reba didn’t make Kerrville 2008, Vic was hospitalised at the time, but they attended Falcon Ridge a few weeks later and were at NERFA in November.

At this sad time, the Folk community sends its sincere condolences to Reba and "all’ her children.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It is hard to remember a time when I didn't know Vic and Reba Heyman - I first met them in February 1999 at the Albuquerque Folk Alliance. I was curious about this larger-than-life, dressed-alike husband-and-wife duo who everyone acknowledged and credited... and who even had special seats, front and center, in each major showcase room. I can't recall who introduced us, but we had a chance to chat multiple times over the course of the conference as, having similar taste in folk/acoustic performers, we found ourselves crossing paths quite frequently - at one point, I was in a Standing Room Only situation when Reba caught my eye and patted the empty seat next to her, motioning for me to join her (as I found out later, Vic was napping... :-)

We met again at the Kerrville Folk Festival in May of the same year... and again in July at the Falcon Ridge Folk Festival - that was my only Kerrville experience, but for a while, I knew I could count on their delightful company twice a year (at FA and FRFF). Vic and Reba then began attending our South Florida Folk Festival, with which I was very involved... their visits at first for a week at a time, and then extending for two, three and now four-month intervals - what began as an acquaintance quickly blossomed into full-fledged friendship, as we met up for dinner (restaurants or my/others' homes), chatted on the phone and carpooled down to the (now-defunct) Main Street Cafe in Homestead (will never forget the time Vic brought his new GPS, which had us laughing the entire trip, because I could have driven that route blindfolded!).

Vic and Reba returned to Florida a few days before our John McCutcheon Labyrinth Cafe concert on December 13 and, upon spotting me, he said protectively, "don't hug me - I have a cold"... to which I replied, "too bad - I haven't seen you in six months and I'm hugging you anyway" - so glad I followed my intuition...

Vic had Parkinson's for 14 years, with his mobility becoming more limited in the time I knew them, segueing from cane to walker - he fell a few times the weekend before Christmas, was admitted to the hospital, all seemed fine... and then he took a turn for the worse. At that point, their four children visited over the course of the next week, sitting vigil by his hospice bedside - as I posted on Star Maker Machine last week, I stopped in for a visit, "brought them tangerines, stayed a few hours chatting and had an opportunity to say my goodbyes, staying strong while there and weeping all the way home"...

Vic had a wicked sense of humor, an abiding-yet-innocent love for the ladies (he did give the best hugs)... and an unlimited spirit of generosity, especially concerning folk music. Reba will remain in Florida as scheduled, and we will do whatever we can to support and keep her company during this most difficult time - I've spoken to her on the phone quite a few times, and she knows I'm available, whatever her needs.

As Phyllis Barney, past-present of the Folk Alliance just posted to their list-serve:

"Please join me in thinking of our most wonderful folk angel Vic Heyman. He passed peacefully away tonight (Jan. 6), leaving behind his beloved wife and best friend Reba, their four children, and scores and hundreds of all the rest of us - touched by his light, his generosity, his love of life, and love of folk music. Tributes will come, and they certainly should. He was a tireless supporter of folk music, folk musicians, and Folk Alliance. But tonight, I just want to remember my dear friend."

I second the emotion - R.I.P. dear Vic (now seated in a comfy chair in that Great Song Circle in the Sky... :-)

SONG: Just Like That by Rachel Bissex (Rachel wrote this song about Vic and Reba... and Dar Williams covered it on Remembering Rachel, a tribute put together after Rachel's death, which Vic produced/assembled/publicized)...

BOOK: Death: The Final Stage of Growth by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

POEM: For Freedom by John O'Donohue

As a bird soars high
In the free holding of the wind,
Clear of the certainty of ground,
Opening the imagination of wings
Into the grace of emptiness
To fulfill new voyagings,
May your life awaken
To the call of its freedom.

As the ocean absolves itself
Of the expectation of land,
Approaching only
In the form of waves
That fill and pleat and fall
With such gradual elegance
As to make of the limit
A sonorous threshold
Whose music echoes back among
The give and strain of memory,
Thus may your heart know the patience
That can draw infinity from limitation.

As the embrace of the earth
Welcomes all we call death,
Taking deep into itself
The right solitude of a seed,
Allowing it time
To shed the grip of former form
And give way to a deeper generosity
That will one day send it forth,
A tree into springtime,
May all that holds you
Fall from its hungry ledge
Into the fecund surge of your heart.

QUOTE(S): "I shall not die of a cold. I shall die of having lived." ~ Willa Cather

"Hope is grief's best music." ~ Author Unknown

"We understand death for the first time when he puts his hand upon one whom we love." ~ Madame de Stael

Royal Blues (Rachel Bissex)

In the excitement of having my sister here from Wednesday night through Sunday morning, I've not had the time to blog much - this one, honoring musician/friend Rachel Bissex, who died February 20, 2005 is a few days overdue. I posted the following to the Dar-list the evening of her death - read the updates after this re-telling for the proverbial silver lining (god, I miss her so much... :-)

Date: Sun Feb 20 18:05:33 2005

Hello, All -

I received a note from Vic Heyman earlier today... informing that Rachel Bissex died at 1:15 this morning, February 20, 2005 from complications of breast cancer at the age of 48. In an attempt to channel my grief, I wrote up the following a few hours later and posted it to our local sf_folk discussion list - since there's quite a bit of Dar-content, I thought I'd share it here as well...

*****
"She was diminutive in size but she was large in grace
she was so kind to my child and looked right in her face
I won't forget the words she spoke that February night
when she threw back her shot glass and said with all her might..."

I first met Rachel in 1998 when I accompanied Brian W. to Power Studios in Miami for an in-the-round with Marie Nofsinger, Big Blue Sky and Ms. Bissex - Brian is a long-time friend of Rachel's and introduced me to her before the show. I was very new to our folk scene and still in amazement that many of the performers were so accessible and kind - Rachel and I had a lovely chat and, when she found out I was a major Dar Williams fan, told me Dar did harmony vocals on Rachel's just-released I Used to Be Nice CD and that the song, Royal Blues, contained many Dar references. Of course I asked if I could buy it -she sold me the last copy... until she could get home to Vermont to replenish her supply!

I went to my first Folk Alliance (an international music conference) in Albuquerque February 1999 and Rachel hosted the wonderful Emerging Artists showcase - rather than solo artists taking turns, the room was composed of a core group of performers, backing each other up on harmonies and instrumentation as individual songs were spotlighted. The phrase that most comes up when talking about Rachel is "generosity of spirit" and this format was so typical of her - she always stressed collaboration and cooperation.

Our paths crossed many times in the years following - in fact, it was on a recommendation of Rachel's that I switched my wine of choice... and whenever she knew I was in the audience, she changed her song lyric to "got a little Pinot Grigio for a woman with the blues?" and looked knowingly in my direction... :-)

Rachel's version of Dar's I Love I Love reduced me to tears on more than one occasion and we shared a love for Joni as well - in addition to her impeccable taste in cover songs, Rachel's original compositions were political and passionate and pure, singing of body image and love (connected or lost) and those in our community who lift us up by their very presence.

Rachel Bissex was one of those people - when she wrote Just Like That (about Vic and Reba Heyman, among others), she could just as well have been singing about herself. Dancing with My Mother speaks of the "joy and the desperation in music" - Rachel reflected the dichotomy...

Rachel took the Folk Train from Montreal to the Vancouver Folk Alliance in February 2001 - there's a great recounting in story and photos, much in her own words at http://www.gotfolk.com/artists/victorheyman/folktrain2001.htm

"for you have got the power in your trembling hands...
'cause you have got the power in your sweet and gentle voice"

Rachel's song In the Middle was included on Volume II of the compilation Before Their Time, "a musical resource to promote healing, and it contains far more than entertainment. Dedicated to the memory of people who died young - from accidents, illness and disease, suicide, murder, SIDS or stillbirth, war, terrorism and other causes - it is intended to help survivors recover from the emotional trauma and extended grief that follows a premature death." http://www.beforetheirtime.org/contents.html

Rachel was a headliner at our South Florida Folk Festival in 1996 and again in January 2004 - she was diagnosed with breast cancer in March 2003, battled tirelessly and seemingly conquered... until this recent reoccurrence. Her latest CD, In White Light, chronicles much of this journey - to quote Rachel: "even though [the songs] were written before all my troubles, they deal mostly with the themes of hope, strength, kindness, and living in the moment. Appropriate".

Many are aware of the lovely video of Rachel's song Here Now, made and performed at NERFA (Northeast Regional Folk Alliance) by a large group of friends - you can see the video at www.ericschwartz.com/herenow.html and go to www.rachelbissex.com for more info on Rachel's recordings and life history [Susan's note: these links seem to be inactive now]...

I'm writing this before I leave Wednesday for the Folk Alliance in Montreal - two events had already been planned and will be even more poignant now under the circumstances...

~ On Thursday afternoon, we are encouraged to "come share a song for Rachel or a few words, or quietly listen. We'll have a guest book to sign for Rachel and her family. Bring a song, poem, a moment of silence, or just your signature".

~ Saturday night, "during Rachel's Performance Alley spot several of her close friends have stepped up to the plate to bring her music to Folk Alliance this year. Diane Zeigler, Lucie Blue Tremblay, Eric Schwartz, Stephanie Corby, and Tom Prasada-Rao will each present one of Rachel's songs. Join these and all of Rachel's friends to celebrate her music during that time. "

Rachel Bissex had a huge impact, both personally and professionally, on our South Florida, as well as the national, folk community - my tale of blessings is but one of countless others...

"there's a moral to this story, it's obvious it seems
you can be a queen, you can outlive all your dreams
but don't forget to leave a little something behind you when you go
especially if you plan to walk off naked in the snow
do not be afraid
do not be afraid..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In April 2005, plans began for Remembering Rachel and in July 2005, a 2-CD set of Rachel's songs sung by her friends and colleagues, including some of the top folk performers, was released, with 100% of all performance, mixing, mastering, distribution, graphic design, hosting and advertising costs donated. This labor of love was dedicated to raising funds to fulfill Rachel's final wish to pay for the college education of her children, Emma Goldberg and Matt Cosgrove.

More backstory can be found here, as well as all the wonderful projects still happening in Rachel's name...

SONG: Royal Blues by Rachel Bissex (I can't seem to find the lyrics online, but it appears the songs can be listened to here)...

BOOK: Remembering with Love: Messages of Hope for the First Year of Grieving and Beyond by Elizabeth Levang

POEM: Flare (Part 12) by Mary Oliver

When loneliness comes stalking, go into the fields, consider

the orderliness of the world. Notice

something you have never noticed before,

like the tambourine sound of the snow-cricket

whose pale green body is no longer than your thumb.

Stare hard at the hummingbird, in the summer rain,

shaking the water-sparks from its wings.

Let grief be your sister, she will whether or no.

Rise up from the stump of sorrow, and be green also,

like the diligent leaves.

A lifetime isn't long enough for the beauty of this world

and the responsibilities of your life.

Scatter your flowers over the graves, and walk away.

Be good-natured and untidy in your exuberance.

In the glare of your mind, be modest.

And beholden to what is tactile, and thrilling.

QUOTE: "Pleasure is the flower that passes; remembrance, the lasting perfume." ~ Jean de Boufflers