Keeping the Light On (Joy Oladokun)

First of all, if you haven't seen tonight's Full Moon, go go go outside *now* to view!  Also, I am making Moon Water, even as I type... 🌕

Chico and I watched Love Actually Friday night, for the first time this season (finally!).

Saturday was Garden Day and, after posting my "report"... as is my custom, I went off the grid for 48-ish hours.  On Christmas Eve Day (Sunday), we met up with Sarah and Colin to watch Migration in the movie theater (3D!), and then to Sarah's to enjoy subs for dinner and a bit of hangtime with Colin before he left out cookies (which we made!) and milk for Santa/apples for the reindeer, then headed home.

I was very much dreading Christmas Day (Monday) with the family but, thanks to our love and patience with each other, I was surrounded by peace and even glimmers of joy.  From the fab brunch (each item more yummy than the next)... to the perfect presents (Rob's rose-colored glasses for everyone won Christmas!)... to Colin taking great delight in helping open *our* presents too before he left to go to his Dad's for the rest of the day... to a very sweet conversation about E (all the emotions)... to Scrabble (Sarah, who balked at playing, ended up in second place, only 1 point behind Rob; I, who normally kicks everyone's *ss💥💥💥 (see below), had vowels throughout 2/3 of the game and couldn't manage to catch up)... to the Taylor Swift Eras movie in the background... to Chinese food for dinner... it was a beautiful day from start to finish.  Naturally Colin brightened things up and there was much laughter.  

Also, Sarah found this Acoustic Christmas Spotify playlist, which we listened to all day and, honestly, I may continue into 2024.  Beautiful... 💖

Late last night (still Christmas), I sipped on a mug of decaf coffee infused with a hot cocoa bomb and marshmallows and felt... dare I say... content?  We *are* an amazing family.  I love them so much, and am very proud of us all for navigating this difficult journey.  Today marks three months since Eric died.  We made it through our second First without E.  In this morning's MossFam text thread, Sarah called it "a surprisingly peaceful day"... ॐ

Hoping you and yours experienced much love, as well as the perfect balance of celebration and comfort... 🥳🕉 

💥💥💥Part of our family conversation yesterday touched on my competitive nature (which only rears its ugly head during board games); Sarah described my style throughout the decades:  "the b*tch has never rolled over"... 🤣

SONG:  Keeping the Light On by Joy Oladokun

BOOK:  Surviving the Holidays Without You: Navigating Grief During Special Seasons by Gary Roe

POEM(S):  

Not knowing when

the dawn will come

I open every

door.

~ Emily Dickinson

What is born in you this day? by Beth Weaver-Kreider

What 

Yulelight

Candlelight

Christlight

Heartlight

Moonlight 

will shine forth from your eyes

from the tips of your fingers

from the well of your heart

from the root of your soul

to bless the world today?

May you know the light

feel the light

bear the light

be the light.

I Heard a Bird Sing by Oliver Herford

I heard a bird sing

In the dark of December.

A magical thing

And sweet to remember.

"We are nearer to Spring 

Than we were in September,” 

I heard a bird sing 

In the dark of December. 

Let This Darkness Be a Bell Tower by Rainer Maria Rilke

Quiet friend who has come so far,

feel how your breathing makes more space around you.

Let this darkness be a bell tower

and you the bell. As you ring,

what batters you becomes your strength.

Move back and forth into the change.

What is it like, such intensity of pain?

If the drink is bitter, turn yourself to wine.

In this uncontainable night,

be the mystery at the crossroads of your senses,

the meaning discovered there.

And if the world has ceased to hear you,

say to the silent earth: I flow.

To the rushing water, speak: I am.

Peace Enters My Heart by Maureen Kwiat Meshenberg

peace enters my heart,

though I have touched-

the chaos of my living,

it sometimes wears-

on my soul,

I settle inside,

the sanctuary

of the season,

it clothes me in rest-

I am tethered to the stars,

that rest their light on-

a winters night,

I rise with the light-

of a thousand suns,

settling on my memory-

with bright exultation, 

I come to greet the day,

with tenderness of love-

reaching inside,

this quiet-

silent night morning- 

let it move from me,

songs that echo-

from the angels singing,

peace on earth,

peace on earth,

goodwill to men-

to all of humanity,

to all creatures-

settling in sacred rest,  

it is from my heart-

a beginning is birthed,

I reach-

and take your hand,

we enter into-

our holy place,

of comfort and love-

of forgiving grace,

towards ourselves-

towards the world,

for what abides with me-

this morning of brilliant becoming,

is our constant-

our shining that guides us,

even in our darkest of times. 

QUOTE(S):  “To comfort a grieving friend, just say anything; it doesn’t have to be perfect. Grief can feel very lonely (like the poem ‘Stop All the Clocks’), so it’s very comforting when a friend recognizes your loss and what a big deal it is. Instead of platitudes (‘everything happens for a reason’), just say something that feels authentic, even if it’s just ‘I wish I knew what to say,’ or ‘I love you, and this really sucks.’” ~ Lucy Kalanithi

"Although our loved ones may not be around, their spirit lives on in every joyful moment we share during the Christmas season." ~ Unknown 

It's Quiet Uptown (from Hamilton)

[ Two weeks ago, my dear and long-time college friend Dimitrius called me a Compulsive Communicator; now I have not only self-identified but embraced the term, wondered if there is a support group, and joked that I will add it to my business card... 🤣

Since the tragedy of Eric's death (was that really only Tuesday?!?), I have been withholding of myself in Real Life and oversharing on Facebook, but Friday I will roll it all over to my semi-defunct-but-soon-to-be-revived blog which you can check periodically... or not.  Again, No Hard Feelings (see what I did there?).  Well, you will... 🤷‍♀️ ]

No easy way to say this.  Our son Eric was killed in a car accident last night.  His girlfriend Duyen called from Atlanta (where he moved in with her mid-March) to tell us.

We have informed both Sarah and Rob,  and we've reached out to my sister Mari and brother Brad, as well as Chico's family.  The ripple effect widened to extended family and friends and now, Facebook protocol/etiquette be d*mned, here we are.  I haven't really thought much beyond that.  We have circled the wagons, and everyone is gathered at Sarah's tonight (even Colin... and Holly, Rob's dog), coming to grips with the enormity of it all.  So many questions, as well as decisions to be made.

Chico and I are so grateful we had a meaningful, albeit short, visit with E (just two weeks ago, actually).  It's already a lesson in perspective.  It's still not real but, as I sip my mug of hot tea, it becomes painfully more so... as it will over the next hours, days, weeks, months.  How do people in this situation manage to sleep?  To eat?  This is all just so upside-down.  Parents are not supposed to outlive their children.  My brain and my heart are exploding... 🤯

"There are moments that the words don't reach

There is suffering too terrible to name

You hold your child as tight as you can

And push away the unimaginable..."

~ It's Quiet Uptown, from Hamilton

Absolutely no doubt in my mind that you are all there in love and support for us... and I promise we will need you; however, there is just no way I can speak with anyone in the foreseeable future.  Thank you in advance for your patience and understanding.

I don't know who I am without my youngest, my stubborn Leo child, my Eric... 😭

P.S.  More in the next few days; I am counting on everyone to share their pictures/stories/adventures then... please?


SONG:  It's Quiet Uptown, from Hamilton

BOOK:  Shattered: Surviving the Loss of a Child by Gary Roe

POEM:  by Susan Frybort

I hear the wind

carrying the voices

of a thousand

prayers my way—

drifting through 

the night, 

weaving through 

the leaves, 

talking in languages

I never heard before, 

coming from souls 

I may never meet. 

There are words

spoken long ago,

finally landing 

in the places 

they are meant 

to be. 

There are whispers

soaked with 

a mother’s tears

circling the earth 

like a blanketing

cloud. 

And the songs

streaming through

the silent air 

are from the fathers

of days gone by. 

I hear the wind

carrying ten

thousand 

prayers your way—

slipping past 

the veil, 

breaking through

the vault, 

soaring across 

the sky, 

reaching lands 

you may never see. 

Open your door, 

look up to the stars,

and listen to your 

ancestors speak.

QUOTE:  "Nothing is ever really lost to us as long as we remember it." ~ Lucy Maud Montgomery