Edge of the Ocean (Stick Figure)

Today I Feel Like... indeed. March 26 is the six-month mark of Eric's death. All the feelings. Ack. I have watched this lovely 6-minute video created by John Teeto and E's other friends three times today, and I thought it might bring some comfort and joy here as well. We miss you so much, buddy... ❤️

I seem to have lost my concentration/focus for blogging.  Perhaps that means I'm experiencing healing to some degree, and don't depend on it as a coping mechanism as much as I used to?  Bereavement group every Monday sustains me, as does therapy every other Monday (I am making great strides sharing my honest thoughts as well as with EMDR).  I continue to express my gratitude for the best family-and-friends support system ever.  Regular get-togethers with Eric's pals (whether IHOP breakfasts or Bob Marley movie viewings) are lovely as well as comforting.

I am getting out of the house and engaging with others more often; still setting boundaries, being more discriminating as to how I'm spending my time, and not allowing myself to take on more than I can handle.

Besides the trip to see Dar Williams in Key West (early-February), I took another road trip with Nancy last week (this time to Brooksville) to visit our long-time friend Peggy-now-Maggie, who moved to Sweden many years ago and now resides in Finland.  We took her out to dinner, convinced her to spend the night with us at our hotel, and stayed up quite late talking.  Much hilarity as well as sadness ensued (her son William overdosed in 2020, so she "gets it").  I also gave her a pouch of E's ashes, as he has never been to Scandinavia... 🤣

Returned from there Wednesday night, went to Gary's Celebration of Life (he was a church friend, ran sound for the Labyrinth Cafe the last two years (2018-19), and coordinated the A/V at Eric's service.  An unexpected and altogether-too-sudden infection and death... 💔

Then Chico, Sarah, and I drove to Pensacola for my friend/college roommate Linda's daughter Rachel's (confused yet?) baby shower (a very long drive but well worth it).  We've stayed close over the years, and of course many memories were conjured, especially Sarah and I driving to Pensacola three weeks after Rachel was born, to meet her and to keep Linda and Craig company.  The Circle Game... 😍

An extra perk was that, on our way home, we stopped in Tallahassee to meet up with Melanie (Nick is in Texas tiling a bathroom!) at a local coffee shop for hugs and catch-up conversation... 💜

And now for Unpacking and Recovery!

P.S.  Eric's friends alerted me that Stick Figure was one of his favorite bands, and they are getting a group together to see them in August.

SONG:  Edge of the Ocean by Stick Figure

BOOK:  Walking Each Other Home: Conversations on Loving and Dying by Ram Dass, Mirabai Bush

POEM:  Somehow by Dorothy Chan

For Norman

You visit me in a dream after passing,

            after I’ve been awaiting you for weeks,

because Chinese belief teaches us our

            loved ones will appear when we’re asleep.

It’s real when I enter the hotel restaurant

            in the middle of nowhere town I live in,

as the Midwest architecture transforms

            into Kowloon at evening time. We eat

bird’s nest soup, and I remember the time

            my father ordered me this four-hundred-

year-old delicacy at Hong Kong airport.

            Out comes the Peking duck, and I ask you:

“Why did it take you so long?” You answer:

            “I arrived once you were strong and ready.” 

Not to Make Loss Beautiful by Gregory Orr

Not to make loss beautiful,

But to make loss the place

Where beauty starts. Where

the heart understands

For the first time

The nature of its journey.

Love, yes. The body

of the beloved as the gift

Bestowed. But only

Temporarily. Given freely,

But now to be earned.

Given without thought,

And now loss

Has made us thoughtful.

My Son the Man by Sharon Olds

Suddenly his shoulders get a lot wider,

the way Houdini would expand his body

while people were putting him in chains. It seems

no time since I would help him to put on his sleeper,

guide his calves into the gold interior,

zip him up and toss him up and

catch his weight. I cannot imagine him

no longer a child, and I know I must get ready,

get over my fear of men now my son

is going to be one. This was not

what I had in mind when he pressed up through me like a

sealed trunk through the ice of the Hudson,

snapped the padlock, unsnaked the chains,

and appeared in my arms. Now he looks at me

the way Houdini studied a box

to learn the way out, then smiled and let himself be manacled.

QUOTE:  "It isn’t always easy to hold on, especially when the world keeps spinning, but it is easier if we hang on together. That way we are connected, linked together, and stronger than any one of us could ever be alone. It does not matter that we are from different backgrounds or different faiths: what matters is that we care with and for one another. The unraveling of reality only occurs when we let go, let go of our hope and our vision. When we hold on to what we believe, our diversity becomes a bond that cannot be broken. So if you feel like you are hanging on, you are, but never alone. Thousands of us are holding on with you." ~ Steven Charleston

"It’s dark because you are trying too hard. Lightly child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly. Yes, feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply. Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them. I was so preposterously serious in those days… Lightly, lightly – it’s the best advice ever given me… So throw away your baggage and go forward. There are quicksands all about you, sucking at your feet, trying to suck you down into fear and self-pity and despair. That’s why you must walk so lightly. Lightly my darling…" ~ Aldous Huxley

Harmonize (Rising Appalachia)

L-R:  Eric, Sarah, Dar, me, Rob, Chico
Labyrinth Cafe, Ft. Lauderdale FL - 10-2-2010

This photo is synchronistic for two reasons:  1)  it was taken almost 13 years ago to the day and 2) tonight I was supposed to be in Baltimore to attend the Dar Williams concert at The State Theater of Havre de Grace (I am on the board of The True North Project, which hosted the event).  I was scrolling through Facebook posts earlier and saw one where I commented: "Wouldn't miss it for the world!"... except that I did, and I have to be okay with it (I'm okay with it).  I have no doubt that Pam (Creative Director of TNP, as well as dear friend) will fill me in on every little detail.  I am practicing patience, difficult for my IG Leo self.  But, earlier in the evening, I went out on the balcony, lit some candles, and had a lovely conversation with my sister, who encouraged me to take "space and grace" (I love that).  After we hung up, I stayed outside, sipped on a huge mug of Kava tea, listened to a Dar Williams playlist, and pretended I was at the show.  It was the next best thing... 🎵

My husband and I received a beautiful e-mail from Eric's bosses in Atlanta; Duyen had the unfortunate task of contacting them the night he died to inform of his death.  We asked her to connect us, and they reached out today.  They shared glowing words about his enthusiasm, his work ethic, his business savvy.  We were/are so proud.

E's Celebration of Life is really falling into place (and by that I mean, our team/village/community is coming together to weave all the moving parts into a gathering worthy of our son/brother/boyfriend).  It truly is what's keeping me moving forward... 💗

I think I am finally coming up for air.  Maybe Amy hypnotized me (kidding!) but, after my meeting with her yesterday, which I left feeling peaceful, believe it or not, I still do.  I'm not going to question it; I'm just going to embrace it.  There will be more tears, more meltdowns, more shaking my fist at the sky, but for now I'm breathing without snotting, which is a win on any/every level, right?

And I have a massage tomorrow.  Ommmm... ૐ

SONG:  Harmonize by Rising Appalachia

BOOK:  How to Write a Song that Matters by Dar Williams

POEM:  This is what was bequeathed us by Gregory Orr

This is what was bequeathed us:

This earth the beloved left

And, leaving,

Left to us.

No other world

But this one:

Willows and the river

And the factory

With its black smokestacks.

No other shore, only this bank

On which the living gather.

No meaning but what we find here.

No purpose but what we make.

That, and the beloved’s clear instructions:

Turn me into song; sing me awake.

QUOTE:  "Life cannot be handled.  The secret is simply to show up.  It's about witnessing it all, even the pain, and letting it touch you and make you not harder, but more tender.  Showing up, feeling it all — this is my new kind of prayer.  I call it praying attention, and it's how, for me, everything turns holy." ~ Glennon Doyle

Coming Alive Again (David LaMotte)

[So weird!  I went to upload this post last night about 8 p.m. and received an e-mail from Blogger; here's a snippet:

As you may know, our Community Guidelines describe the boundaries for what we allow-- and don't allow-- on Blogger. Your post titled "Coming Alive Again 

(David LaMotte)" was flagged to us for review. We have determined that it 

violates our guidelines and deleted the post, previously at 

http://optimisticvoices.blogspot.com/2021/05/coming-alive-again-david-lamotte.html. Your content has violated our Malware and Viruses policy. Please visit our Community Guidelines page linked in this email to learn more.

I completely freaked out, tried to recover it, thought about attempting to re-create it but it was late and I was tired, and then gave up in defeat, shutting down my computer completely, and vowing to solve/resolve in the morning.

Woke up today to this:

We have re-evaluated the post titled "Coming Alive Again (David 

LaMotte)" against Community Guidelines. Upon review, the post has been 

reinstated. You may access the post at 

http://optimisticvoices.blogspot.com/2021/05/coming-alive-again-david-lamotte.html.

What?!?  Whatever!  Thanks to Blogger for re-evaluating as well as validating that I made the right choice by not spending time troubleshooting last night, and for believing in the system such that it all eventually and easily came together (although I certainly didn't sleep well as a result).  First World Problems, right?  Happy Saturday... 💖 ]

Another full week:  weekly Zoom with Nancy and Judi, picked up sweet Colin from preschool and got to hang out for a while, three-hour (!) phone chat with dear college roomie Linda, belated-but-no-less-enjoyable Mother's Day dinner with Rob and Eric, pool with Nance, and this evening a Virtual LitLIVE! event with authors Kaitlyn Greenidge and Kirstin Valdez Quade.  Dinner and a movie in a few minutes:  Mixed root vegetable fries (carrot, parsnip, beetroot) and The Woman in the Window on Netflix.  Ooooh, it's a wild night in the Moss household... 😉

A few things on tap for the weekend, and we shall see how it all unfolds.  In the meantime, it is indeed Feel Good Friday.  As is tradition, five items below of beauty, interest, and humor to brighten your day/weekend/week.  Enjoy! 

~ The Other Side of Languishing Is Flourishing. Here’s How to Get There:  Research shows that the pandemic took a toll on our overall well-being and left many of us drained. Here are seven simple steps to get you thriving again.


~ The Lure of H Mart, Where the Shelves Can Seem as Wide as Asia:  The huge grocery chain and other megastores like it have revolutionized the way many Asian-Americans shop and eat.


~ Colson Whitehead's Pulitzer Prize Winning Novel, The Underground Railroad on Amazon Prime:  From Academy Award® winner Barry Jenkins and based on the Pulitzer Prize-winning novel by Colson Whitehead, "The Underground Railroad" is a new series that chronicles Cora Randall’s desperate bid for freedom in the Antebellum South. After escaping a Georgia plantation for the rumored Underground Railroad, Cora discovers no mere metaphor, but an actual railroad beneath the Southern soil.

~ Welcome to Life Lessons:  This week, we revisit some admittedly out of context highlights from two interviews with singer-songwriter Joni Mitchell, the original Lady of the Canyon: first in August 1985, then in April 1991. Sit down, pull out your acoustic guitar—you just might learn a thing or two. 


~ Do We Even Know How To Socialize Anymore?  Zoom meetings. Virtual happy hours. Facetime dates. We've been living in a pandemic world for over a year now, and for better or worse, many of us are used to our new social routines.  But as vaccinations ramp up and restrictions begin to loosen across the country, the new question is: Are we ready? After so much time apart, do we even know how to socialize in person anymore?

NR:  Crying in H Mart: A Memoir by Michelle Zauner

SONG:  Coming Alive Again by David LaMotte

BOOK:  88+ Ways Music Can Change Your Life by Vincent James, Joann Pierdomenico, Jack Canfield (Foreword)

POEM(S):  To Be Alive by Gregory Orr

To be alive: not just the carcass

But the spark.

That's crudely put, but ...

If we're not supposed to dance,

Why all this music?

Say it With a Mix-Tape by Christopher Goodrich

These are the professionals. The ones who know

why birds suddenly appear every time you are near;

the self-assured idols who can ask Do you

want to know a secret oooooo waaaa oooooo?

without sounding stupid. I’ve begged

them to tell us why secrets are

given as gifts in obvious packaging.

So much of falling is sitting still, filling

a blank tape with voices of famous people—

the mystic warbling of Joni Mitchell,

the simple sex of Simon and Garfunkel.

This is what it sounds like to be me in love with you.

And because only Ray Charles, who sings from both sides now,

can translate my heart’s handwriting, I’ve included

two of his numbers, see side A, songs two and nine.

He will insist, as many times as you care to listen:

I’m gonna love you like nobody’s loved you come rain

or come shine, which, incidentally, is true, I’m gonna.

The Mix-Tape: proof that love loves James Brown, the reason

we turn to Nina Simone when sex fails to fulfill us,

why, when harmony is what is missing,

a light rhythmic rain begins to fall.

QUOTE:  "You must always believe that life is as extraordinary as music says it is." ~ Rebecca West

Loving Hands (Christine Kane)

From: The Universe

To: ozwoman321

Sent: Wed, Aug 5, 2009 12:50 pm

Subject: Your TUT Adventurers Birthday Wish!!!

Happy Birrrrthday to Youuuu,

Happy Birrrrthday to Youuuu,

Happy Birrrrthday Dear Susan,

Happy Birrrrthday to Youuuu!

A few years back, not so long ago, heaven and earth erupted into a major celebration with the news of your impending adventure into this very time and space. You see, someone like Susan doesn't come along all that often. In fact, there's never been a single one like you, nor is there ever ANY possibility that another will come again. You're an Angel among us. Someone, whose eyes see what no others will EVER see, whose ears hear what no others will EVER hear, and whose perspective and feelings will NEVER, ever be duplicated. Without YOU, the Universe, and ALL THAT IS, would be sadly less than it is.

Quite simply:

You're the kind of person, Susan,

Who's hard to forget,

A one-in-a-million

To the people you've met.

Your friends are as varied

As the places you go,

And they all want to tell you

In case you don't know:

That you make a big difference

In the lives that you touch,

By taking so little

And giving so much!

Susan, you are so AWESOME! For your birthday, friends and angels from every corner of the Universe, including buddies you didn't know you had, will be with you to wish you the HAPPIEST of days and an exciting new year in time and space. You won't be alone!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Susan!

P.S. - Susan, this is going to be YOUR year!!

"And it always starts here"... to quote Dar Williams - oh... little did I know what an amazing day it would turn out to be... :-)

The original plan was for my sister to come over yesterday so we could continue our clearing and cleaning of mom's house - "are you sure you want to work on your birthday?", Mari asked... and I said yes because, quite frankly, I anticipated the alternative of having a big pity party for poor li'l ole me and spending my birthday *alone*.

However, because of something that happened about midnight on the cusp of my birthday, I e-mailed Mari first thing yesterday morning with a change of plans... and I'm so glad I did - who knew the sort of magical day that would unfold? (rhetorical question)...

Actually, my celebration began Tuesday afternoon when I received a birthday card, in the mail, from mom's (and now my) friend Rose (who actually lives just across the street) - about 11 p.m. I received an e-card from my friend Eileen...

A bit after midnight (on August 5, my actual birthday) I somehow got the urge to clean out a drawer in mom's liquor cabinet - Mari and I had already gone through it last week, and I knew it was mostly filled with cocktail napkins and votive candles... but the urge for organization was there and I succumbed. Imagine my surprise when I found about 10 bookmarks in the back left corner, one of which was decorated with beautiful flowers and the following text: "Today's your birthday and I celebrate the journey of your life!". I am absolutely convinced I was led to find the bookmark as a Happy Birthday message from mom - signs are everywhere, if you pay attention...

I was up at 8 a.m. for exercise class, and dropped my sister an e-mail that I had changed my mind and would prefer a day off and to myself, if it was okay with her - the phone rang at 8:30 and it was mom's friend Claire, wishing me a happy birthday. I did a quick e-mail check before leaving the house and had birthday notes from Nancy and Mari - as soon as I got in the car with Ann and Diane (mom's friends), they both wished me a happy birthday, and Diane gave me a present of a lovely stemmed candleholder, with a purple votive included. Everyone in class wished me a happy birthday, and Ann and Diane took me out for brunch at Einstein's Bagels afterwards - at this point with mom's friends, I feel as if I'm living the movie Steel Magnolias (and yes, there is a Shirley MacLaine character... :-)

I came home to a package at the front door from sweet Melanie and, as I walked in to unwrap its contents, my cell phone started ringing - it was my dear friend Fred who, although we've e-mailed, I hadn't spoken with the entire time I've been here... and we chatted for close to an hour. I had no sooner hung up than I received a voicemail and text from my brother Brad and a voicemail from my daughter Sarah - I was finally able to open the package from Melanie (she reused the box and Atlanta Journal-Constitution page in which I had sent El Toro - inside joke), and it was a card with the most beautiful sentiment, and an "Are you a good witch or a bad witch?" Oz figurine, with Dorothy, Glinda and the Wicked Witch of the West...

Then the mail carrier rang the bell, with a package from Eileen: another lovely card, two books (one novel, one children's) and a few magnets - Mari called then, and we talked a while... and I did another e-mail check and found dear blog comments from Catherine, Amy, sharon, Kate and Michele...

My son Eric called and, as soon as I hung up with him, the phone rang again and it was my son Rob - I had every intention of taking a long, hot bath... and a nap... and curling up with a good novel... but the day had flown by... so instead, I squeezed in a shower, watched Oprah and read the lovely children's book from Eileen (noted below)...

I called Eileen, Nancy and Melanie to chat - left voicemails with all three, and ended up talking with the first two a bit later (by this point, my phone had died, so Melanie and Nick... and Susan P!... left a message while it was charging)...

My dear husband called and we talked a bit... and Rose phoned... and my friend Dan called (he didn't know it was my birthday but he invited me to a get-together with a few friends Sunday evening) - Amy had posted my birthday to the Dar-list, and a few people wrote on- and off-list to wish me a happy one. Received an e-mail from my brother's girlfriend Donna and an e-card from my sister's boyfriend Kevin - happy, happy, happy!

A bit before 9 p.m. I cooked a Kashi roasted vegetable thin crust pizza, poured a glass of pinot grigio and segued into folk dork persona by watching the PBS Great Performances show of Pete Seeger's 90th Birthday Celebration from Madison Square Garden - what a perfect way to celebrate my own!

During a break (it is fundraising week after all), I lit a candle and placed it on top of a piece of cake I had defrosted (after mom's funeral, I hid the remaining desserts in the freezer) - Nancy had sung to me earlier on the phone... and I thought of our call fondly as I blew out the candle. My wish had already come true, as it was the most Perfect birthday I'd had in quite a while - glad I trusted my instinct, so as to allow it unfold as it was meant...

"It's those magic little moments you never have to understand, wondering if it's luck or loving hands" - indeed... :-)

SONG: Loving Hands by Christine Kane (scroll about halfway down)

BOOK: Zen Shorts by Jon J Muth

POEM: If to Say It Once by Gregory Orr

If to say it once

And once only, then still

To say: Yes.

And say it complete,

Say it as if the word

Filled the whole moment

With its absolute saying.

Later for “but,”

Later for “if.”

Now

Only the single syllable

That is the beloved,

That is the world.

QUOTE: "What is laid down, ordered, factual is never enough to embrace the whole truth: life always spills over the rim of every cup." ~ Boris Pasternak

The Party's Over (Eliza Gilkyson)

One party (in all definitions of the word) is over... and another is just beginning - zippity!

I sat in front of the television last night from 7 p.m. on, wearing my new Dar T-shirt and my My Vote Counted! sticker, burning my purple candles, eating thin-crust veggie pizza, thinking positive, watching as blue states began to overtake on the Rockerfeller Center ice skating rink... and finally cracking open a bottle of Voyant chai cream liqueur (served over ice) at 11 p.m. when Barack Obama hit 284 electoral votes and was declared the 44th President of the United States... :-)

Thankyoujesus... I *finally* live in a blue state! - let's turn this country upside down... and start over, thinking about the *people* and not the politics. I don't envy our new president, faced with a war in Iraq, an economy in crisis and a constituency in discord - however, I firmly believe Obama, with his obvious charisma, his long-range vision and his articulate speech, has the ability to unite, to heal and to provide long-overdue and much-needed leadership. What's so funny 'bout integrity, compassion and fiscal responsibility? - I'm so looking forward to 2009... and beyond...

I wept at the initial announcement (I kissed my husband, I hugged my son, I called my daughter... and my other son called me)... and again when Obama spoke passionately (oh my god, a president with vocabulary, poise and the power to inspire!) to the crowd of half a million in Grant Park in Illinois (so different from McCain's by-invitation-only ballroom setting) - the beaming faces of black, white, male, female, urban, suburban, gay, straight reflected the world in which I live who deserve to have our rights protected and our voices heard (yes... we... can!).

I must say that McCain's concession speech was gracious, well-intentioned and inclusive - refreshing...

And as I go to bed, the electoral vote numbers read Obama 338/McCain 156 (with Montana, Missouri, Indiana and North Carolina still pending) - it is heartening, it is gratifying... and it is ultimately validating... <3

P.S. Did you see the Google logo yesterday? - priceless!

SONG: The Party's Over by Eliza Gilkyson (scroll about 1/4 of the way down)

BOOK: Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life by Byron Katie, Stephen Mitchell

POEM: Let's Remake the World by Gregory Orr

Let's remake the world with words.

Not frivolously, nor

To hide from what we fear,

But with a purpose.

Let's,

As Wordsworth said, remove

"The dust of custom" so things

Shine again, each object arrayed

In its robe of original light.

And then we'll see the world

As if for the first time.

As once we gazed at the beloved

Who was gazing at us.

QUOTE: "The wheel of change moves on, and those who were down go up and those who were up go down." ~ Jawaharlal Nehru

It's the Economy, Stupid (John McCutcheon)

Hey, I have the day off tomorrow! - actually... I have many days ahead of me. I was laid off from my office assistant job today - what a shock (major understatement)...

The economy was given as the reason... and I have no cause to doubt - I was also paid until the end of the month but cleaned out my desk and turned over my key this afternoon when the news was delivered. I'm okay - really...

I sent the following e-mail to my bosses/co-workers, shortly after I got home today:

-----Original Message-----

Sent: Tuesday, October 21, 2008 7:20 PM

Subject: thanks to all...

Hey, B, E and V -

Just wanted to drop a note to thank you all for the opportunity to have worked at _______ for the last 19 months - it was a challenge... and a learning experience... and a pleasure...

I most certainly understand the ripple-effect repercussions of an economic recession - let's hope this election turns things back around to hope and change...

You all know I've been trying to cut back my hours to part-time since last March - Pollyanna that I am, I'm trying to look at this as a blessing in disguise, to free myself up: to deal with many ongoing home projects, to regain focus of my own exercise and nutrition regimen and to finally get these f*cking plumbing issues resolved... :-)

V, it was wonderful getting to know you... and E, I appreciated the chance to know you *better* - B, you will remain one of the special people in my life...

Thanks again to all - take care and stay in touch... <3

Today's song, as you will see when you click the lyrics link below, is inspired by Wendell Berry's Jayber Crow - synchronstically (or... as usual, in my case), I bought the book over a year ago and it's been waiting on my nightstand to be read. If that's not a sign from something greater than myself, I don't know what is - I will begin the novel, among so many other things, tomorrow... <3

SONG: It's the Economy, Stupid by John McCutcheon

BOOK: Jayber Crow by Wendell Berry

POEM: Not the loss alone by Gregory Orr

Not the loss alone,

But what comes after.

If it ended completely

At loss, the rest

Wouldn't matter.

But you go on.

And the world also.

And words, words

In a poem or song:

Aren't they a stream

On which your feelings float?

Aren't they also

The banks of that stream

And you yourself the flowing?

QUOTE: "The best thing about the future is that it only comes one day at a time." ~ Abraham Lincoln