Keeping the Light On (Joy Oladokun)

First of all, if you haven't seen tonight's Full Moon, go go go outside *now* to view!  Also, I am making Moon Water, even as I type... 🌕

Chico and I watched Love Actually Friday night, for the first time this season (finally!).

Saturday was Garden Day and, after posting my "report"... as is my custom, I went off the grid for 48-ish hours.  On Christmas Eve Day (Sunday), we met up with Sarah and Colin to watch Migration in the movie theater (3D!), and then to Sarah's to enjoy subs for dinner and a bit of hangtime with Colin before he left out cookies (which we made!) and milk for Santa/apples for the reindeer, then headed home.

I was very much dreading Christmas Day (Monday) with the family but, thanks to our love and patience with each other, I was surrounded by peace and even glimmers of joy.  From the fab brunch (each item more yummy than the next)... to the perfect presents (Rob's rose-colored glasses for everyone won Christmas!)... to Colin taking great delight in helping open *our* presents too before he left to go to his Dad's for the rest of the day... to a very sweet conversation about E (all the emotions)... to Scrabble (Sarah, who balked at playing, ended up in second place, only 1 point behind Rob; I, who normally kicks everyone's *ss💥💥💥 (see below), had vowels throughout 2/3 of the game and couldn't manage to catch up)... to the Taylor Swift Eras movie in the background... to Chinese food for dinner... it was a beautiful day from start to finish.  Naturally Colin brightened things up and there was much laughter.  

Also, Sarah found this Acoustic Christmas Spotify playlist, which we listened to all day and, honestly, I may continue into 2024.  Beautiful... 💖

Late last night (still Christmas), I sipped on a mug of decaf coffee infused with a hot cocoa bomb and marshmallows and felt... dare I say... content?  We *are* an amazing family.  I love them so much, and am very proud of us all for navigating this difficult journey.  Today marks three months since Eric died.  We made it through our second First without E.  In this morning's MossFam text thread, Sarah called it "a surprisingly peaceful day"... ॐ

Hoping you and yours experienced much love, as well as the perfect balance of celebration and comfort... 🥳🕉 

💥💥💥Part of our family conversation yesterday touched on my competitive nature (which only rears its ugly head during board games); Sarah described my style throughout the decades:  "the b*tch has never rolled over"... 🤣

SONG:  Keeping the Light On by Joy Oladokun

BOOK:  Surviving the Holidays Without You: Navigating Grief During Special Seasons by Gary Roe

POEM(S):  

Not knowing when

the dawn will come

I open every

door.

~ Emily Dickinson

What is born in you this day? by Beth Weaver-Kreider

What 

Yulelight

Candlelight

Christlight

Heartlight

Moonlight 

will shine forth from your eyes

from the tips of your fingers

from the well of your heart

from the root of your soul

to bless the world today?

May you know the light

feel the light

bear the light

be the light.

I Heard a Bird Sing by Oliver Herford

I heard a bird sing

In the dark of December.

A magical thing

And sweet to remember.

"We are nearer to Spring 

Than we were in September,” 

I heard a bird sing 

In the dark of December. 

Let This Darkness Be a Bell Tower by Rainer Maria Rilke

Quiet friend who has come so far,

feel how your breathing makes more space around you.

Let this darkness be a bell tower

and you the bell. As you ring,

what batters you becomes your strength.

Move back and forth into the change.

What is it like, such intensity of pain?

If the drink is bitter, turn yourself to wine.

In this uncontainable night,

be the mystery at the crossroads of your senses,

the meaning discovered there.

And if the world has ceased to hear you,

say to the silent earth: I flow.

To the rushing water, speak: I am.

Peace Enters My Heart by Maureen Kwiat Meshenberg

peace enters my heart,

though I have touched-

the chaos of my living,

it sometimes wears-

on my soul,

I settle inside,

the sanctuary

of the season,

it clothes me in rest-

I am tethered to the stars,

that rest their light on-

a winters night,

I rise with the light-

of a thousand suns,

settling on my memory-

with bright exultation, 

I come to greet the day,

with tenderness of love-

reaching inside,

this quiet-

silent night morning- 

let it move from me,

songs that echo-

from the angels singing,

peace on earth,

peace on earth,

goodwill to men-

to all of humanity,

to all creatures-

settling in sacred rest,  

it is from my heart-

a beginning is birthed,

I reach-

and take your hand,

we enter into-

our holy place,

of comfort and love-

of forgiving grace,

towards ourselves-

towards the world,

for what abides with me-

this morning of brilliant becoming,

is our constant-

our shining that guides us,

even in our darkest of times. 

QUOTE(S):  “To comfort a grieving friend, just say anything; it doesn’t have to be perfect. Grief can feel very lonely (like the poem ‘Stop All the Clocks’), so it’s very comforting when a friend recognizes your loss and what a big deal it is. Instead of platitudes (‘everything happens for a reason’), just say something that feels authentic, even if it’s just ‘I wish I knew what to say,’ or ‘I love you, and this really sucks.’” ~ Lucy Kalanithi

"Although our loved ones may not be around, their spirit lives on in every joyful moment we share during the Christmas season." ~ Unknown 

Merry Something to You (Devo)

Checking in a few days after the holiday to share that we had a lovely get-together at Sarah's on Christmas Day!  One of my favorite family traditions is that we limit our gifts for each other to $25 and, even with a cap, everyone chooses such thoughtful presents.  Something new in the last handful of years is that our three adult children take the time to write heartfelt and inspirational greetings in their cards to us and each other which, we all know, is the best gift of all.  I wept (as I always do) at their words of joy, hope, love, and gratitude.

We are leisurely with opening presents, one at a time, so we can appreciate what everyone is receiving.  About halfway through, Colin started having a meltdown, perfectly understandable as he'd had a looooong day, with a very short nap.  In an attempt to help, Eric said, "I love you, Colin!", and C replied:  "no love me!", and we all cracked up at his two-year-old reaction.  Sarah immediately suggested we still-pause the gift exchange and go outside for a while so he could run around and release some energy, which was totally effective (she's such a good and intuitive mom... 💗 )

Adorable and typical (as any parent can tell you) is that Sarah gave Colin five Santa presents, and attached to each was a Dollar Tree plastic animal (he loves animals of all kinds):  zebra, elephant, giraffe, hippo, and tiger... and of course that was all he wanted to play with the entire day (not the actual presents... :-)

Because we were inside, albeit masked, socially-distanced, and doors and windows open, we ordered Chinese food for dinner; dessert was a ginormous box of Russell Stover chocolates from the two girls' soccer teams that Chico coaches (along with a generous gift card).

Running jokes throughout the course of the day, sure to elicit a smile/guffaw for months to come:  "I got a robe" (Rob shared the hilarious SNL skit with me last week!) and "Colin's fake hot dog has gone MIA".

Yesterday a friend and I were having a text discussion re: Post-Holiday Blahs/Blues/Winter Doldrums, and I followed up with this e-mail:

"I've got 'em too, but not nearly as bad as I thought I would.  For one thing, the only holiday "trappings" I brought out were the front-door wreath and the doormat, and those can easily be tucked away again on the Monday after New Year's (or even the Wednesday as, when we lived in Puerto Rico, Christmas wasn't *really* over until January 6, The Epiphany).

I have let so many things go this season, when the former me might have had a few more meltdowns along the way.   Both Sarah's *and* Rob's presents to me were slowed down in the mail system (as was my friend Judi's!), and my new Delayed Gratification/F*ck It self just thinks, "well, I will enjoy them when they *do* arrive!".  My mantra these days seems to be "Who am I and what have I done with Susan?!?"  I am trying so hard to be Kinder, Gentler, Softer, More Patient, More Forgiving, More Understanding, More Aware... <3

I am also working very hard on my communication skills, with family as well as friends.  Attempting to "say what I mean, mean what I say, and do what I say I'm going to do"... which I learned in a parenting seminar when Sarah was in middle school (25 years ago).  Hey, if the foo sh*ts, right?

Had a great talk with L last week, and we discussed that, during this challenging time, we are both going to focus on meaning and purpose in the New Year.  I greatly miss having a true sense of both.

So, yeah... I have the blues/blahs/mullygrubs but I seem, so far, to have shaken off the need to wallow.  I do possess:  family (however flawed, as am I... except for Colin, who is perfect!), books (so many books!), music (beautiful songs!), friends (so very dear), healthy food choices, a dependable body that allows me to take it out for hour-long walks (almost) every day, boundless sunshine, hot cocoa and Kahlua (just a splash!), FakeUggs, comforting and colorful scarves, enough earrings to sink a battleship, intelligence, kindness, humor, integrity, gratitude, an appropriate balance of joy and sorrow.  And just like that... counting my blessings has moved my blues, if not off the table completely, at least to a back burner (mixed metaphor, anyone?... :-)

I am going to hit Send before this turns into War and Peace.  Whoops, too late!"

And... Nothing Says Christmas like Parlour Vegan's Non-Binary Gingerbread Person... 💖

NR:  Between the World and Me by by Ta-Nehisi Coates

SONG:  Merry Something to You by Devo

BOOK:  December Holidays from around the World by Baby Professor

POEM:  December 26 by Kenn Nesbitt

A BB gun.

A model plane.

A basketball.

A ’lectric train.

A bicycle.

A cowboy hat.

A comic book.

A baseball bat.

A deck of cards.

A science kit.

A racing car.

A catcher’s mitt.

So that’s my list

of everything

that Santa Claus

forgot to bring.

 

QUOTE:  “Have you ever held a three-year-old by the hand on the way home from preschool?” “No.” “You’re never more important than you are then.” ~ Fredrik Bachman, Anxious People