To Live Is to Fly (Townes Van Zandt)

From the Writer's Almanac:

It was on this day in 1986 (34 years ago) that the space shuttle Challenger exploded 73 seconds after takeoff, killing all seven astronauts aboard. That evening, President Ronald Reagan eulogized the lost astronauts in one of the finest addresses of his presidency. He said, "We will never forget them, nor the last time we saw them, this morning, as they prepared for their journey and waved goodbye and slipped 'the surly bonds of earth' to 'touch the face of God.' "


SONG:  To Live Is to Fly by Townes Van Zandt

BOOK:  Truth, Lies, and O-Rings: Inside the Space Shuttle Challenger Disaster by Allan J McDonald and James R. Hansen

POEM: In the Lobby of the Hotel del Mayo by Raymond Carver

The girl in the lobby reading a leather-bound book.
The man in the lobby using a broom.
The boy in the lobby watering plants.
The desk clerk looking at his nails.
The woman in the lobby writing a letter.
The old man in the lobby sleeping in his chair.
The fan in the lobby revolving slowly overhead.
Another hot Sunday afternoon.

Suddenly, the girl lays her finger between the pages of her book.
The man leans on his broom and looks.
The boy stops in his tracks.
The desk clerk raises his eyes and stares.
The woman quits writing.
The old man stirs and wakes up.
What is it?

Someone is running up from the harbor.
Someone who has the sun behind him.
Someone who is bare-chested.
Waving his arms.

It's clear something terrible has happened.
The man is running straight for the hotel.
His lips are working themselves into a scream.

Everyone in the lobby will recall their terror.
Everyone will remember this moment for the rest of their lives.

QUOTE:  "And, in a funny way, each death is different and you mourn each death differently and each death brings back the death you mourned earlier and you get into a bit of a pile-up." ~ Nigella Lawson

To Live Is to Fly (Townes Van Zandt)

I am now apologizing to myself for not blogging in two weeks - I miss it when I allow myself to skip more than a few days, not to mention it's easy to forget what happened in the meantime. I confess to having been in Roly Poly Mode... and I'm trying hard to snap out of it - in coming up for air a bit, I realize what a blessed life I lead...

Yeah, the fact my mother died mid-July is one big, fat, f*cking sadness still weighing heavy on me - I expect it will be with me forever, even as the hits to the heart come further apart. I still can't predict my reaction when I think or talk about it - sometimes I am fine... others I am inconsolable... and I imagine that's "normal" (having done some research on the grief process)...

I am finally reconciling to the fact that life does indeed go on - I have memories of good times, lots of photos and a no-regrets feeling that most only dream of. I also have amazing family and friends to hold me up during this difficult time, as I try to find my way out of the stuck place - much to be thankful for:

~ a 3+ hour cathartic lunch with my dear friend M, who I hadn't seen since before I went up to Atlanta - she lost her mom this past February, and has helped trailblaze this unknown path for me...

~ our October book club meeting, for which we read Middlesex, a wonderful book that's been on my bedside table for over a year - combine the literary stimulation with the comfort of other BookSluts (our new official name for ourselves), and I'm in "died and gone to heaven" territory...

~ saw the movie Where the Wild Things Are with my husband and two sons (my daughter was out of town that weekend), at the urging of my "baby" (21-year-old E), who remembered me reading him the book when he was but a small child - the movie was extremely enjoyable, but viewing it flanked by "my boys" was tear- and goosebump-inducing...

~ experienced a quiet Halloween, staying home and passing out candy to almost 100 trick-or-treaters, the cutest of which was a young (one-year-old, maybe?) Asian boy on his father's shoulders, dressed in a Sumo wrestler costume - my dog stood in the doorway in equal parts joy and amazement at the parade of visitors...

~ my friend Judi asked if I wanted to hear John Irving speak at a bookstore function which, with the purchase of the ticket, provided an autographed copy of his newest book (below) - it was not only great to hang out with her one-on-one (we're usually in group gatherings), but a dream-come-true to see one of my favorite authors up-close-and-personal (he's warm, he's witty... and his reading of a key passage in the book took my breath away)...

~ I presented a service at church last Sunday, revolving around the book Life Is a Verb, tying it into my mom's illness and promoting the "what would you do if you only had 37 days to live?" philosophy - I wove in some wonderful poems, played some appropriate songs and received warm, and sometimes tearful, appreciation...

~ finally got together with my dear friend Kate, to walk the Labyrinth and catch up on each other's lives these last few months - she is a cherished friend, with whom I always pick up where I left off, which can never be taken for granted...

~ participated in a Religion and Poetry workshop at the church, where I had the opportunity to share favorite Ellen Bass and Jeffrey McDaniel selections - the ensuing discussion was thought-provoking as well...

~ I have been kicking *ss in the physical fitness department for the last month, attending a BodyWorks + Abs class at the gym twice a week, and walking the 3-mile route in my neighborhood four days - on the seventh day I rest... :-) My friend Mel has kept me good company a majority of the time, but she's been out of pocket the last few weeks for one reason or another, so I'm having to self-motivate, which is always a challenge - I miss her muchly... but I'm proud to say I've risen to it, and am thoroughly entrenched in addicted mode (my legs twitch to get on the road as soon as I get out of bed each morning!)...

~ my husband and I signed up for a wellness program with a local franchise of a national chain, and have been enjoying monthly massages (part-therapeutic, part-pampering), which we've turned into Date Night, segueing to dinner afterwards - it's nice to spend time with each other in a relaxed mood, away from the house...

Days, up and down they come
Like rain on a conga drum
Forget most, remember some
But don't turn none away.
Everything is not enough
And nothin' is to much to bear.
Where you been is good and gone
All you keep is the getting there.

Beautifully said, Townes... :-)

SONG: To Live Is to Fly by Townes Van Zandt

BOOK: Last Night in Twisted River by John Irving

POEM: Sweet Darkness by David Whyte

When your eyes are tired
the world is tired also.

When your vision has gone
no part of the world can find you.

Time to go into the dark
where the night has eyes
to recognize its own.

There you can be sure
you are not beyond love.

The dark will be your womb
tonight.

The night will give you a horizon
further than you can see.

You must learn one thing:
the world was made to be free in.

Give up all the other worlds
except the one to which you belong.

Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet
confinement of your aloneness
to learn

anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive

is too small for you.

QUOTE: "I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, for the harder I work, the more I live. Life is no "brief candle" for me. It is a sort of splendid torch which I have got hold of for the moment, and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations." ~ George Bernard Shaw

Lungs (Townes Van Zandt)

Below is a note I just wrote to The Connie Circle, an e-mail distribution I've spoken of before (consisting of me, my sister, my daughter, and three of Mom's neighbors/friends), which I set up to keep us all in the loop after I returned last January - I also added my husband and two sons to this one, so they can be apprised of information/progress...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sent: Tue, 26 May 2009 2:32 pm
Subject: Connie Circle update - 5/26/09 - looooong (sorry!)...

Hey, All (and I've added C, R and E to our loop) -

As everyone knows, I've been here since mid-Tuesday (5/19)... so today makes one week I've had to observe 24/7 what's happening with mom - crazy enough, when I made my reservations, it was just supposed to be a "routine" visit... but it didn't take long to realize my timing was intuitively perfect...

Mom has obviously declined since I last saw her late-January... but I've even noticed a downturn since my arrival - you all know it is terrifying to watch her struggle for breath, especially when motivating to the bathroom or bedroom... but even sometimes just sitting still. She needs more oxygen, which seems to be less effective - no wonder she doesn't want to leave the comfort zone of her corner of the couch...

~ One thing I feel *very* good about is dealing with H-T (the oxygen company) this morning - they had been promising her extra cannulas (the high-flow breathing tubing) for weeks and still hadn't delivered. I left a message with their answering service over the weekend to escalate... and then called the office itself this morning - spoke with A, who was extremely helpful, and sent back the two techs who were here Friday...

Long story short (I'm trying!): on A's recommendation, they switched out the longer (40 ft.) thinner line for the shorter (25 ft.) thicker (high flow) line - we had problems over the weekend, and mom asked me to turn up her oxygen. I had the dial *as far as it would go* and it was still only registering 9 (very scary) rather than the 10 it is supposed to go up to - now, the machine is accurately reflecting her oxygen flow and I/we feel 9 is a *true* 9 (whew)...

Also, mom told me that someone (she doesn't recall who) told her that the cannula and the humidifier should be changed out every *month* - as I questioned H-T, all are saying they should be changed out every *week*. Of course that's going to make a difference, since her nasal connection gets clogged up with mucus/blood/etc. - we will now make a point to change out both each Monday...

Also, since Mom had a problem with the portable tanks when we went out for R's birthday (they only go up to 6), she asked me to ask A if they could just take those away, as well as remove the Helios portable tank we used to fill them. A said that big tank can be used as a back-up in case of a power outage (who knew?!?)... and they not only moved it into the futon room, but equipped it with a 25 ft. high flow line, a humidifier and a cannula such that, should she lose power, all she (or someone) has to do is make it to that room, put on that cannula and turn it up to 10 (it jumps from 8 to 10, skipping over 9)...

This has all gone a long way toward giving mom (and me) peace of mind regarding her oxygen, which makes her breathe easier (literally and metaphorically) - whew...

~ Her ankles started swelling yesterday afternoon when everyone was here, because she was sitting up more than usual (with her feet on the ground) - she took one of her Fluorsomething? (Lasix substitute) pills last night and, after calling Dr. G's (kidney doctor) office, again this morning, making sure to eat some potassium after (as per instructions)...

~ After her difficulties yesterday, I remembered she had 3 Ventolin inhalers (1 in her medicine tray and 2 in the cabinet), which she had told me her doctor said she didn't need anymore - I brought one to her in the bathroom and a few puffs actually helped her make it back to the couch less winded. So... I've stationed them throughout the house (next to the couch, in the bathroom drawer, next to her bed), which she can use 4 times a day as an assistance/auxiliary...

~ R had bought mom some saline spray when I was here back in January, and she really hasn't been using it - so... we are now on a track of trying to use it a few times a day to flush/irrigate/moisturize her nasal passages (very helpful)...

~ I also *slathered* her legs with Eucerin lotion I bought at Publix - they were so dry, and just soaked up the moisture (and I'll continue to do it daily or as needed)...

~ She is *loving* the Depends, which I had suggested to her the other day and R continued the discussion and then picked them up while I was at Mari's (thanks, R!) - it also lessens anxiety about accidents, etc.

~ I tried calling Dr. E's (her pulmonologist) office to start proceedings for a home hospice analysis, which just means we see what they have to offer but don't necessarily have to start anything right now - it also doesn't necessarily mean 24- or 48-hours, but can extend for months. I stayed up until 4 a.m. reading (thanks, C, for the great books from Legacy Link!) and everything indicates (which we knew) sooner rather than later - they offer so many services/resources and I personally feel it's time. They were out to lunch and, given all the phone calls/mom-attending in the last hour and a half, I wanted to finish this e-mail and then give them a call back - at that point, it sounds as if they will send someone out to determine her needs/status (more peace of mind, right?)...

~ Can't say enough to all (A, M, S and B so far today) about your check-in phone calls - she treasures hearing from you... <3

I am very concerned (as I know we all are) and am attempting to stay calm... but inside I feel helpless and panicked (as I'm sure everyone has been feeling all these many months) - I know our goal is to "make her comfortable", not in a "sounds like the end" way that freaks B out... but in a "making the most of her days" sense...

It's all about intuition, abundance, self-empowerment, honesty, knowledge and, most importantly, love - we're moving forward...

SONG: Lungs by Townes Van Zandt

BOOK: The Official Patient's Sourcebook on Idiopathic Pulmonary Fibrosis by James N. Parker

POEM: That Lives in Us by Rumi

If you put your hands on this oar with me,
they will never harm another, and they will come to find
they hold everything you want.

If you put your hands on this oar with me, they would no longer
lift anything to your
mouth that might wound your precious land -
that sacred earth that is your body.

If you put your soul against this oar with me,
the power that made the universe will enter your sinew
from a source not outside your limbs, but from a holy realm
that lives in us.

Exuberant is existence, time a husk.
When the moment cracks open, ecstasy leaps out and devours
space;
love goes mad with the blessings, like my words give.

Why lay yourself on the torturer's rack of the past and the future?
The mind that tries to shape tomorrow beyond its capacities
will find no rest.

Be kind to yourself, dear - to our innocent follies.
Forget any sounds or touch you knew that did not help you dance.
You will come to see that all evolves us.

QUOTE: "Inhale, and God approaches you. Hold the inhalation, and God remains with you. Exhale, and you approach God. Hold the exhalation, and surrender to God." ~ Krishnamacharya