Close to My Heart (Dar Williams)

A snippet of something I shared on Facebook today, in response to a meme:  "...I also include sobbing uncontrollably, craving solitude, swearing like a f*cking sailor, shutting down, snapping at well-meaning friends and family, using sleep as an escape, etc." later adding:  "Semantics. My English major/Journalism minor self has a tendency to put words under a magnifying glass, trying to find just the right one for every occasion (annoying to others, but so very me). My friend Fred (who is a Hospice Chaplain) reminded me that, re: the Stages of Grief scale: "Sometimes it's never acceptance. Sometimes it's enough to get to resignation." "

Thank you, FM.  I cannot imagine getting to Acceptance anytime soon, if at all.

My dear friend Nancy, whose Love Language is Food, has been waiting so patiently, while cooking up the proverbial storm, and she wanted to drop something off today, fully prepared to leave it at my doorstep; difficult as it was, I asked her to come in because I needed a hug and, goddess love her, she stayed for almost two hours (once I started, I couldn't stop talking), in full listening mode, allowing me to spew, sob, snot.  I felt a bit of peace after she left (of course, she went home with an extra burden... 😟)

I may be ready for more peopling, but only in baby steps (which made me tell Duyen about What About Bob?, which was one of Eric's favorite movies).  We talked about watching it "together", her in Atlanta, and the rest of us here in South Florida.

Chico and I have been trying to do everything ourselves and allowing our children to grieve, then realized we've been doing them a disservice.  Now we are delegating, which is of course so much better on many levels.  It is insane what needs to be accomplished after someone dies.  I have a 20-item To Do List, and it's not even Monday yet!

Many of you know I had planned to fly up to the Baltimore area on Wednesday for Thursday's Dar Williams concert at The State Theater of Havre de Grace.  I am Booking Lead on the board of The True North Project, and was thrilled to add her to our schedule. Pam (Creative Director) and I were going to stay in a Bed & Breakfast for almost a week, hang out in the funky little town of HDG, and enjoy deep as well as hilarious conversation.  Obviously, there's no way now, as I cannot imagine being normal, much less joyful, and there is a huge hole in my heart.

Speaking of hearts, I wrote this post waaaaaay back in 2007; I've tried very hard not to repeat songs over the course of my blogging, but who knew it would have such a different interpretation 16 years later?.. 💞

SONG:  Close to My Heart by Dar Williams

BOOK:  100 Poems To Break Your Heart by Edward Hirsch

POEM:  For Nothing Is Fixed by James Baldwin

For nothing is fixed,

forever, forever, forever,

it is not fixed;

the earth is always shifting,

the light is always changing,

the sea does not cease to grind down rock.

Generations do not cease to be born,

and we are responsible to them

because we are the only witnesses they have.

The sea rises, the light fails,

lovers cling to each other,

and children cling to us.

The moment we cease to hold each other,

the moment we break faith with one another,

the sea engulfs us and the light goes out.

QUOTE:  "Sometimes, I’m the mess.  Sometimes, I’m the broom.  On the hardest days, I have to be both." ~ Rudy Francisco