No Hard Feelings (The Avett Brothers)

Morning.  I am still unable to add Good beforehand, nor an exclamation point afterward.  I said in a previous post that mornings are my enemy, because they are irrefutable proof that Eric is not coming back.  But that is for another time... 💔

We are headed to Nancy's for brunch in an hour or so.  It's been an amazing weekend of family and friends and, despite the tragic circumstances (or maybe because of them), we've had so many beautiful re-connections... and I hope we've all vowed to use this as a jumping-off place to reach out more often.  A wedding and a funeral within a month of each other.  The Circle of Life... ⌾

I arrived at the venue yesterday, "shaking people off like a bad pitch", letting them know that I just could not handle hugs nor any extension of kindness, because I would just fall apart.  But that lasted about 15 minutes when I began to melt and accept, and then I went back to those I'd refused and opened my arms in welcome.  And some of them made me cry, but all of them comforted me too.  

I know I keep using this word, and it does mean what I think it means (a nod to The Princess Bride), but we were Gobsmacked by the number of people in attendance:  Eric's Ace Crew (skateboarding), neighborhood friends, gamer peeps, lifeguarding proteges from his C.B. Smith days, his *new* boss came from North Carolina, Chico's soccer folks, my folk club/book club/gardening gangs, our nearest and dearest:  friends as well as family mentioned above.

I loved that we were able to arrange a Zoom link, so that many out-of-towners were able to tune in.  My understanding is that Rebecca (the River of Grass person recording) will "clean up" the video, send to us in completed form, at which point we can upload it to a YouTube channel (either Duyen's or Eric's).  It is recorded for posterity... in perpetuity... with peace.  I would like to watch it at some point but, in the meantime, I am grateful to have not only made it through, but presented our love for E with grace and style.  We honored our boy.  WWED?  

We are so unbelievably grateful for it all; I am truly counting my blessings for a life well-lived, his as well as ours.

I need to figure out how I can share the Celebration of Life program here but, in the meantime, here are the words/tribute/eulogy I spoke:

I'm Susan Moss, Eric's mom.

Everyone who knows me knows that I love to swear... selective swearing, though (I definitely don't do it around my sweet Colin)... but sometimes only a well-placed, well-timed expletive will do.  So let's just get it out of the way.  Parents are not supposed to outlive their children.  It is f*cking unimaginable... ridiculous... astounding that we are all here today for that reason.  Our dear Eric is gone.

This entire service (from the music to the readings to the remembrances to the decor) is all about Eric.   Those who knew and loved him, and who he knew and loved in return, are in this room.  We are beyond grateful you took time out of what we all know to be Busy Lives to be in attendance today.  You have crossed county lines... state lines... time zones.  He would be so pleased.  E is the hub and we are the spokes:  his/our immediate and extended family, his chosen companion for the last two years and her family, his friends (many of those from childhood, with whom he continued a connection), his work colleagues, past as well as present.

Anyone who knows me also realizes I am all about Synchronicity.  Chico and I drove up to Atlanta in early-September to attend my brother's wedding but, in retrospect, and as fabulous as their wedding was... I now believe that was The Universe's way of orchestrating an opportunity for us to see Eric again (since he had just moved up to Atlanta in mid-March).  We hung out for three hours, conversing and laughing, took a lovely selfie, and got back in the car to Aiken South Carolina to visit with Chico's sister and her family.

The last few years have found me adopting a philosophy of Every Day Is Day One... tabula rasa... clean slate... no grudges... Both/And.  I can assure you that it's incredibly liberating.  We feel so lucky there were no regrets with E, no woulda/coulda/shoulda.

So far, he's given us signs of rainbows... and an owl appeared to me that I am sure was a visitation.  And, even though I've declared a moratorium on tattoos ("seven is the number", sings Dave Carter), if I hear Eric's voice whispering in my ear that it might be time for more ink, one of you will be getting a call to accompany me.

In the video you will soon see, I was reminded that Eric danced like a male stripper... and you'll have to ask Sarah or Rob to tell you the Hello Kitty Backpack story... and I used to call him Max from Where the Wild Things Are... and when I wished him Happy Birthday on Facebook a few years ago, telling him:  "E, you gave me all my gray hair, but you gave me all my laugh lines too!"... and he replied:  I'll take 33% blame for the gray hair, but 100% credit for the laugh lines"... 😊

And if my Uncle Andy (soon to be 92 years old) was here, he would yodel... because that's a longstanding family tradition for all important milestones, whether birthdays, weddings, or funerals!

I am a poetry lover, and they have been finding *me* the last few weeks, just yesterday this short one by Mary Oliver:

Everything that was broken has

forgotten its brokenness. I live

now in a sky-house, through every

window the sun. Also your presence.

Our touching, our stories. Earthly

and holy both. How can this be, but

it is. Every day has something in

it whose name is forever.

I loved my hilarious, smart, kind, articulate, generous-of-spirit (and let's not forget handsome!) son fiercely.  Justin Cronin says: “As long as we remember a person, they're not really gone."  Please remember Eric.  Remember him.

SONG(S):  No Hard Feelings by The Avett Brothers

BOOK:  Everything I Need To Know I Learned From a Little Golden Book by Diane Muldrow

POEM(S):  Gentle by Alfred K. LaMotte

A gentler world begins

in the way you touch your heart.

Be soft with the light inside you.

Caress your body with this breath.

God is nothing else

but the place where the sun comes up

in your chest.

You are the glimmering destination.

You are the golden honey daubed

on the bread of the ordinary.

Whatever is perfect,

whatever is heavenly,

begins here.

QUOTE:  "Grief and its surrender. Joy and its surrender. Any act and its surrender." ~ Maya Stein