To Live Is to Fly (Townes Van Zandt)

I am now apologizing to myself for not blogging in two weeks - I miss it when I allow myself to skip more than a few days, not to mention it's easy to forget what happened in the meantime. I confess to having been in Roly Poly Mode... and I'm trying hard to snap out of it - in coming up for air a bit, I realize what a blessed life I lead...

Yeah, the fact my mother died mid-July is one big, fat, f*cking sadness still weighing heavy on me - I expect it will be with me forever, even as the hits to the heart come further apart. I still can't predict my reaction when I think or talk about it - sometimes I am fine... others I am inconsolable... and I imagine that's "normal" (having done some research on the grief process)...

I am finally reconciling to the fact that life does indeed go on - I have memories of good times, lots of photos and a no-regrets feeling that most only dream of. I also have amazing family and friends to hold me up during this difficult time, as I try to find my way out of the stuck place - much to be thankful for:

~ a 3+ hour cathartic lunch with my dear friend M, who I hadn't seen since before I went up to Atlanta - she lost her mom this past February, and has helped trailblaze this unknown path for me...

~ our October book club meeting, for which we read Middlesex, a wonderful book that's been on my bedside table for over a year - combine the literary stimulation with the comfort of other BookSluts (our new official name for ourselves), and I'm in "died and gone to heaven" territory...

~ saw the movie Where the Wild Things Are with my husband and two sons (my daughter was out of town that weekend), at the urging of my "baby" (21-year-old E), who remembered me reading him the book when he was but a small child - the movie was extremely enjoyable, but viewing it flanked by "my boys" was tear- and goosebump-inducing...

~ experienced a quiet Halloween, staying home and passing out candy to almost 100 trick-or-treaters, the cutest of which was a young (one-year-old, maybe?) Asian boy on his father's shoulders, dressed in a Sumo wrestler costume - my dog stood in the doorway in equal parts joy and amazement at the parade of visitors...

~ my friend Judi asked if I wanted to hear John Irving speak at a bookstore function which, with the purchase of the ticket, provided an autographed copy of his newest book (below) - it was not only great to hang out with her one-on-one (we're usually in group gatherings), but a dream-come-true to see one of my favorite authors up-close-and-personal (he's warm, he's witty... and his reading of a key passage in the book took my breath away)...

~ I presented a service at church last Sunday, revolving around the book Life Is a Verb, tying it into my mom's illness and promoting the "what would you do if you only had 37 days to live?" philosophy - I wove in some wonderful poems, played some appropriate songs and received warm, and sometimes tearful, appreciation...

~ finally got together with my dear friend Kate, to walk the Labyrinth and catch up on each other's lives these last few months - she is a cherished friend, with whom I always pick up where I left off, which can never be taken for granted...

~ participated in a Religion and Poetry workshop at the church, where I had the opportunity to share favorite Ellen Bass and Jeffrey McDaniel selections - the ensuing discussion was thought-provoking as well...

~ I have been kicking *ss in the physical fitness department for the last month, attending a BodyWorks + Abs class at the gym twice a week, and walking the 3-mile route in my neighborhood four days - on the seventh day I rest... :-) My friend Mel has kept me good company a majority of the time, but she's been out of pocket the last few weeks for one reason or another, so I'm having to self-motivate, which is always a challenge - I miss her muchly... but I'm proud to say I've risen to it, and am thoroughly entrenched in addicted mode (my legs twitch to get on the road as soon as I get out of bed each morning!)...

~ my husband and I signed up for a wellness program with a local franchise of a national chain, and have been enjoying monthly massages (part-therapeutic, part-pampering), which we've turned into Date Night, segueing to dinner afterwards - it's nice to spend time with each other in a relaxed mood, away from the house...

Days, up and down they come
Like rain on a conga drum
Forget most, remember some
But don't turn none away.
Everything is not enough
And nothin' is to much to bear.
Where you been is good and gone
All you keep is the getting there.

Beautifully said, Townes... :-)

SONG: To Live Is to Fly by Townes Van Zandt

BOOK: Last Night in Twisted River by John Irving

POEM: Sweet Darkness by David Whyte

When your eyes are tired
the world is tired also.

When your vision has gone
no part of the world can find you.

Time to go into the dark
where the night has eyes
to recognize its own.

There you can be sure
you are not beyond love.

The dark will be your womb
tonight.

The night will give you a horizon
further than you can see.

You must learn one thing:
the world was made to be free in.

Give up all the other worlds
except the one to which you belong.

Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet
confinement of your aloneness
to learn

anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive

is too small for you.

QUOTE: "I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, for the harder I work, the more I live. Life is no "brief candle" for me. It is a sort of splendid torch which I have got hold of for the moment, and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations." ~ George Bernard Shaw

Life (Will Kimbrough)

John Lennon was right - Life really *is* what happens to you when you're busy making other plans (weak smile)...

Thanks to everyone who's been worried about me, and got in touch, one way or another, to let me know - your concern is justified. Hard to believe it's been almost three weeks since I posted - as I just responded to a comment from a friend, after my mom's passing I seem to be segueing from the stages of shock and numb to depression, and have been spending a lot of time in my head, processing. It's all destined for a future blog post (soon, I promise!) but, in the meantime, I wrote up most of the following the week after our September 30 book club meeting... and then never got around to uploading it - it still holds true... maybe even more so, considering my current state of mind...

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Your horoscope for October 6, 2009

If you keep waiting and waiting for things to happen, SUSAN, you may wake up one morning and realize that your whole life has gone by and you never did half the things that you dreamed of doing. The time to take action is now so put your plan into effect. You may need to make some compromises, but you will find that in general, people will willingly follow your lead.

...and, for the week of October 4:

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Change your password. Take a different way home. Ask a question you've never asked. Dream up a new nickname for yourself. Choose a new lucky number. Change the way you tell the story about an important event in your past. Make it a little more difficult for people to have you pegged. Eat a type of food you've never tried. Do the research necessary to discover why one of your opinions may be wrong. Add a new step to your grooming ritual. Feel appreciation for a person whose charms you've become numb to. Surprise yourself at least once a day.

Last week was our book club meeting, the first back together after having taken the summer off - I love this diverse, funny, kind circle of women who are wise in literature and in ways of the heart. It was my turn to host and to choose the book... and I picked Life is a Verb by Patti Digh - it's had quite an impact on me the last almost-year and I wanted to share the ephiphany-inducing collection of stories...

"In October 2003, Patti Digh’s stepfather was diagnosed with lung cancer. He died 37 days later. The timeframe made an impression on her. What emerged was a commitment to ask herself every morning: What would I be doing today if I had only 37 days left to live? The answers changed her life and led to this new kind of book. Part meditation, part how-to guide, part memoir, Life is a Verb is all heart.

Within these pages—enhanced by original artwork and wide, inviting margins ready to be written in—Digh identifies six core practices to jump-start a meaningful life: Say Yes, Trust Yourself, Slow Down, Be Generous, Speak Up, and Love More. Within this framework she supplies 37 edgy, funny, and literary life stories, each followed by a “do it now” 10-minute exercise as well as a practice to try for 37 days—and perhaps the rest of your life."

I've said that there were no regrets with my mom's passing... but there has been a minor one - I sent her this book last January after I visited and, when I was there this summer, caregiving, I had every intention of reading parts of it aloud so we could discuss. Time and energy (or rather, lack of both) intervened, and I never got around to it - so... I asked each of our bookwomen to choose a section that "spoke" to them and encapsulate it for the group - I am pleased to say everyone exceeded my expectations, and the conversation was quite stimulating, deep and, at times, emotional...

These days, I'm really trying to embrace be-here-now, seize-the-day, enjoy-the-moment mode - in fact, I made a mix of relevant songs and gave everyone a copy during our gathering. The point of the book (and my selection of it) is, in Patti's words, "about living each individual, glorious day with more intention. It was simply about saying yes, being generous, more fully inhabiting the life I have, not creating a new one."

Our menu consisted of food that made us feel "alive"... and the array was delicious and inspiring - we topped it off with dessert from B.J.'s, which I discovered a few weeks ago and declared it the best carrot cake I've ever eaten (you can really taste the nutmeg!)...

P.S. Apropos of nothing... although I've not been posting my contributions here (as I used to), I still write for the weekly-themed Star Maker Machine music blog, and last week's topic was Domestic Violence and Sexual Abuse - it was an educational and inspirational exercise in which I was proud to participate...

SONG: Life by Will Kimbrough

BOOK: The Five Secrets You Must Discover Before You Die by John B. Izzo

POEM: Following the Road by Larry Smith

I have left my wife at the airport,

flying out to help our daughter

whose baby will not eat.

And I am driving on to Kent

to hear some poets read tonight.

I don't know what to do with myself

when she leaves me like this.

An old friend has decided to

end our friendship. Another

is breaking it off with his wife.

I don't know what to say

to any of this-Life's hard.

And I say it aloud to myself,

Living is hard, and drive further

into the darkness, my headlights

only going so far.

I sense my own tense breath, this fear

we call stress, making it something else,

hiding from all that is real.

As I glide past Twin Lakes,

flat bodies of water under stars,

I hold the wheel gently, slowing my

body to the road, and know again that

this is just living, not a trauma

nor dying, but a lingering pain

reminding us that we are alive.

QUOTE: "The only dream worth having is to dream that you will live while you are alive, and die only when you are dead. To love, to be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and vulgar disparity of the life around you. To seek joy in the saddest places. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all to watch. To try and understand. To never look away. And never, never to forget." ~ Arundhati Roy

Right Now (Van Halen)

Daily Om

September 2, 2008

Right Where We Are

Enlightenment At Home

Many spiritual seekers feel called to far-flung places across the globe in the interest of pursuing the path of their enlightenment. This may indeed be the right course of action for certain people, but it is by no means necessary to attaining an enlightened consciousness. Enlightenment can take root anywhere on earth, as long as the seeker is an open and ready vessel for higher consciousness. All we need is a powerful intention, and a willingness to do the work necessary to moving forward on our path.

In terms of spiritual practice, at this moment, there are more tools available to more people than at any other time in history. We have access to so much wisdom through the vehicles of books, magazines, the Internet, television, and film. In addition, the time-honored practice of meditation is free, and sitting quietly everyday, listening to the universe, is a great way to start the journey within. There is further inspiration in the fact that the greatest teachers we have are our own life experiences, and they come to us every day with new lessons and new opportunities to learn. If we look at the people around us, we may realize that we have a spiritual community already intact, and if we don’t, we can find one, if not in our own neighborhood, then on-line.

Meanwhile, if we feel called to travel in search of teachers and experiences, then by all means, we should. But if we can’t go to India, or Burma, or Indonesia, or if we don’t have the desire, this is not an obstacle in terms of our spiritual development. In fact, we may simply be aware that our time and energy is best spent in our own homes, with our meditation practice and all the complications and joys of our own lives. We can confidently stay in one place, knowing that everything that we need to attain enlightenment is always available right where we are.

A few months ago, I stumbled across the Carrie & Danielle website and have very much enjoyed: the Daily Q & A, their blog, the profiles - each reading gives me a better sense of their priorities, which helps me better connect to who I am. As Dar sings, "sometimes I see myself fine, sometimes I just need a witness" - nothing like a cyber-soundingboard (even if they don't know it) upon which to bounce ideas and feelings.

The recent inspiration was motivated by something Danielle wrote last week (in italics below) - I continue to struggle with weight issues (written previously about here over a year ago), but I feel as if something clicked this time.

We’ve all heard it before.

You. Are. What. You. Eat.

It is so simply profound that we’d like to call your attention to it today and ask you this: are you trans-fat soaked chips in a plastic bag? Or are you a juicy mango mama grown with love?

What we put into our bodies doesn’t only show up on our gut and our butt, it radiates through our tone of voice, our complexion, our clarity of mind, our relationships, and our creative expression. Garbage in. Garbage out. Healthy in. Healthy out.

Your genuine self is unprocessed, Grade A, four-star nutritious.

THIS WEEK: It may seem cheesy (pun intended), but imagine yourself as a meal. Are you French cuisine or lentils and creamed butter served in a pottery bowl? Are you a bushel of apples, dark cocoa, or a Christmas dinner with all the trimmings? This week, before you bite it, bake it, or get it to go, ask yourself, “Is this me?”

You are what you eat.

Feed your soul.

As I just wrote this morning in a book to deliver to a dear friend tomorrow:

Dear _____,

Day/Week/Month 1 again... sigh... - well, at least that's been our mindset up until now...

I suggest we recalibrate our thought processes... and embrace the struggle/journey/challenge - just because we'll never be perfect (speaking for myself only!), doesn't mean we shouldn't stop trying. Being mindful of meeting our needs (physical/emotional/spiritual) keeps us tapped into tangible ways to move forward, positively, along our path - feed the soul indeed... <3

To paraphrase Danielle's delivery: Feed. My. Soul. - that's my new tattoo... as well as my new mantra... :-)

SONG: Right Now by Van Halen

BOOK: Fifty Ways to Feed Your Soul by Rosemary Cunningham

POEM: Alive Together by Lisel Mueller

Speaking of marvels, I am alive

together with you, when I might have been

alive with anyone under the sun,

when I might have been Abelard's woman

or the whore of a Renaissance pope

or a peasant wife with not enough food

and not enough love, with my children

dead of the plague. I might have slept

in an alcove next to the man

with the golden nose, who poked it

into the business of stars,

or sewn a starry flag

for a general with wooden teeth.

I might have been the exemplary Pocahontas

or a woman without a name

weeping in Master's bed

for my husband, exchanged for a mule,

my daughter, lost in a drunken bet.

I might have been stretched on a totem pole

to appease a vindictive god

or left, a useless girl-child,

to die on a cliff. I like to think

I might have been Mary Shelley

in love with a wrong-headed angel,

or Mary's friend. I might have been you.

This poem is endless, the odds against us are endless,

our chances of being alive together

statistically nonexistent;

still we have made it, alive in a time

when rationalists in square hats

and hatless Jehovah's Witnesses

agree it is almost over,

alive with our lively children

who--but for endless ifs--

might have missed out on being alive

together with marvels and follies

and longings and lies and wishes

and error and humor and mercy

and journeys and voices and faces

and colors and summers and mornings

and knowledge and tears and chance.

QUOTE: "We are indeed much more than what we eat, but what we eat can nevertheless help us to be much more than what we are." ~ Adelle Davis

(No Such Thing As) Girls Like That (Christine Kane)

Christine Kane is one of my favorite music artists, for many reasons - she writes amazingly literate and lyrical songs, she has a wicked sense of humor (evident in her storytelling between songs) and, off-stage, she's personable and accessible.

I've always loved music and, when I began to be aware of the plethora of contemporary folk and acoustic singer-songwriters (a story for another time), I bought various compilations so I could discover who struck my fancy - I first heard of Christine through the Women's Work CD and really enjoyed her song Off the Ground...

Fast forward a few years to the 2000 Folk Alliance conference I was attending in Cleveland - Christine was performing in an in-the-round and it was such a pleasure to hear her up close and personal. I was a volunteer for our South Florida Folk Festival and spent a good bit of the conference handing out postcards encouraging artists to enter our songwriter competition - I was more than a bit delighted to receive Christine's entries a few months later, and even more thrilled when her songs ended up in the Top Twenty. I had attended some local house concerts (definitely more about *those* at a later date) and decided I'd like to host one for Christine the Thursday before her festival appearance - I had 35 people squished into my living room, all of whom came away fans, myself even more so... <3

When I decided to present a second, and then a third, house concert, it appeared it was turning into a series - I came very close to naming it Loving Hands House Concerts (after my favorite-at-the-time CK song) but I knew it had to be something Oz-related and came up with Heart's Desire House Concerts (referencing a most-fitting Dorothy line), which had a lovely and successful four-year run.

More fast-forwarding: I had the pleasure of hosting another house concert for Christine a few years after the first and we've crossed paths many times since at various conferences and concerts - a few of us even drove up to Asheville, North Carolina in October 2005 to see her in a split-bill with Dar Williams, another dear-to-my-heart artist. Christine is now playing much larger venues, has had a ballet choreographed to her music and began (about a year ago, I think) writing the most fascinating and inspirational blog - one of the closest-to-home posts for me has been Are You Leaking? (ack!).

Over the last few months, Christine has been recommending Eat Pray Love, the book mentioned below - I've just chosen it for our local reading club selection in September, and am curious as to what my book-women friends will think of it. Thanks, Christine... for the music, the memories and the motivation - my fingers are crossed we can get you back to South Florida soon. And, as an extra added bonus, here's a YouTube video of Christine performing my blog-titled song... :-)

SONG: (No Such Thing As) Girls Like That by Christine Kane

BOOK: Eat Pray Love: One Woman's Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia by Elizabeth Gilbert

POEM: Warning by Jenny Joseph

When I am an old woman I shall wear purple

With a red hat which doesn't go, and doesn't suit me.

And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves

And satin sandals, and say we've no money for butter.

I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired

And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells

And run my stick along the public railings

And make up for the sobriety of my youth.

I shall go out in my slippers in the rain

And pick flowers in other people's gardens

And learn to spit.

You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat

And eat three pounds of sausages at a go

Or only bread and pickle for a week

And hoard pens and pencils and beermats and things in boxes.

But now we must have clothes that keep us dry

And pay our rent and not swear in the street

And set a good example for the children.

We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.

But maybe I ought to practice a little now?

So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised

When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.

QUOTE: "Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and go do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive." ~ Howard Thurman