La Vie En Rose (Edith Piaf)

DailyOm

July 7, 2009

Opportunity for Reflection

Hard Days

We all have days that seem endlessly difficult and hard. On these days, it is as if the odds are stacked against us and we just can’t get a break as one challenging situation follows another. We may feel like we’re standing in the ocean getting hit by wave after wave, never able to get a full breath. Sometimes it’s necessary or worth it to stay in the fray and work our way through. Other times, the best idea is to go home and take the breath we need in order to carry on.

If the only choice is to get through it, a hard day can be a great teacher. It will eventually end and we can look back on it, taking pride in the stamina, courage, and ingenuity it took to hold our ground. We may also look back and see how we could have done things differently. This knowledge will be valuable when we face hard days in the future. Trust your gut as you’re deciding whether to work through it, and know that sometimes a timely retreat is the best way to ensure a positive outcome. Getting space can remind us that external circumstances are not the whole picture. Once we catch our breath and re-center ourselves, we will be able to determine our next move. With a little perspective, we may even find the inner resources to change our attitude about what’s happening. We may begin to see that what we saw as hardships are actually opportunities. As our attitude changes for the better, our actions and the circumstances will follow suit.

Sometimes all that’s needed is a good night’s sleep. No one is immune to having a hard day and these are usually the times we can learn the most. If we can find it in our hearts to examine the day, and maybe make one small change in perception, we can ease our pain and greet the next day that much wiser.

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Rob Brezsny's Astrology Newsletter

July 8, 2009

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): At the farmer's market, an escape artist performed in the middle of the street. As a crowd gawked, he had two big strong men tie him up tight in a straitjacket and 50 feet of chain. For the next 20 minutes he shimmied and contorted and bent over backwards. His face grew red and sweaty. There were no Houdini-like magic tricks. There were no puffs of smoke or magic boxes or mirrors or distracting assistants. He rarely spoke as the ordeal progressed, but in the end, after the last of the chains slipped off and he wrestled his way out of the straitjacket, he said simply, "Now I invite all of you to go home and use what I just did as a metaphor for your life." It was a supremely sexy performance, and I realized maybe it would help you with your current situation.

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I told a friend the other day that I need to work harder at being softer - I find myself back in that frustrated frame of mind...

As a few of you (who know my backstory) surmise, there is so much going on here emotionally with my mother, especially given our past history - we've always had a power-and-control tug-of-war relationship... mostly with her pulling and me pulling back in self-defense, trying not to get sucked in to that big mudpuddle in the middle!

Interesting to note that now, in the last few months of her life, she's still doing it - I know how powerless she must feel, unable to have much, if any, control over her life at this point... and of course she's going to try to find ways to dig in her heels, just on principle alone. I know she's grateful that I came, that I continue to stay and that I have sacrificed being with family and friends in order to facilitate her health plan - I am truly trying to do this selflessly, and with great love and respect...

It remains difficult... not just the day-to-day tasks but the emotional toll - caregiving is a thankless job, no matter how much anyone verbalizes their gratitude. My younger sister has stepped up in an *amazing* way and, if it weren't for her coming over three mornings a week so I could go to exercise class, and giving me a few nights a week respite at her house while she stays with mom, I'd have long since crossed over into exhaustion and insanity - I am beyond appreciative of her support, especially since she's juggling around a full-time job...

However, I told her the other day it sometimes feels unfairly like joint custody - she's the one who takes mom to Six Flags and orders in from the local seafood restaurant... and I'm the one who makes mom get up for school and eat her vegetables. Then I realized... that's always been our loop - I'm the responsible one (oldest) and Mari's the fun one (youngest). None of us can help the birth order nor the roles we've always played - I can waste time fretting and fuming... or I can just accept the fact that neither is better or worse... and that we actually need both for a balanced lifestyle for mom (I can be fun with my friends and Mari can be responsible with her daughter... :-)

I am at Mari's now, spending last night and tonight (can't believe how rejuvenating two nights in a row is) - since arriving late afternoon yesterday, I have: napped, eaten yummy crabcakes Mari left for me, watched Jeopardy, drunk half a glass of wine, watched a few hours of mindless TV (including Top Chef Masters), started a new-to-me Alice Hoffman novel, gotten a good night's sleep, walked 45 minutes in her neighborhood... and composed and uploaded this blog!

For my remaining time, I plan to: sun/read on the deck, do some much-needed work for my concert series on the computer, make a Target run, take a nap, watch more mindless TV, drink more wine, enjoy a jacuzzi/bath soak, get another good night's sleep... and head directly to exercise class in the morning... after which I'll return to mom's and re-grasp the baton so Mari can revel in a lovely weekend however she chooses...

Thanks, baby sister... for the opportunity to allow me to continue to learn, grow and give - we make a *great* team and I remain in awe of your maturity as well as your fun-loving spirit!

SONG: La Vie En Rose by Edith Piaf

BOOK: Shower of Heavenly Roses: Inspirational True Stories of Healing Guidance, and other Miracles, Atrributed to the Intercession of Therese of the Little Flower by Elizabeth Ficocelli

POEM: Rose Garden, Summer Solstice by Carolyn Miller

Everyone here believes that the roses
are blooming only for them, there where the air

by the formal beds is layered with the scent

of roses. From deep in their flushed and darkening hearts

pour odors of lemons and pepper, apricots, honey,

vanilla and myrrh and musk and semen, apples and quince,

raspberries and wine and ocean, the faint

scent of blood and the fragrance of death and the breath

of the life we are living now, in this place

where the roses are blooming for each of us, alone.

QUOTE: "There are some things, after all, that Sally Owens knows for certain: Always throw spilled salt over your left shoulder. Keep rosemary by your garden gate. Add pepper to your mashed potatoes. Plant roses and lavender, for luck. Fall in love whenever you can." ~ Alice Hoffman

Independence Day (Ferron)

From yesterday's Writer's Almanac:

Today is Independence Day. On this day in 1776, the Second Continental Congress unanimously adopted the Declaration of Independence, and the United States officially broke from the rule of England. The colonists were trying to persuade other nations of Europe to be on their side, so they included a long list of complaints about the king. The document said of the king, in part, "He is, at this Time, transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to complete the Works of Death, Desolation, and Tyranny, already begun with Circumstances of Cruelty and Perfidy, scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous Ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized Nation."

Twenty-four years later, in 1804, the explorers Lewis and Clark had the first Fourth of July celebration west of the Mississippi. They were traveling through a part of the Midwest that is now Kansas. They stopped at the mouth of a creek on July 4th, and named it Independence Creek in honor of the day. To celebrate, they fired their cannon at sunset and distributed an extra ration of whisky to the men.

There were unofficial celebrations of Independence Day from its first anniversary, but it really became a popular holiday after the War of 1812. On the frontier, it was the only time of the year when everyone in the countryside gathered together in one place. There would be parades and speeches, and the prettiest and most wholesome girl in the village would be named the Goddess of Liberty. Politicians would get up and call the king of England a skunk and challenge him to a fight. Drunk men in the streets would get into fights and call each other Englishmen. Soon, events like groundbreaking ceremonies for the Erie Canal and the Baltimore and Ohio Railroads were scheduled to coincide with July 4th festivities.

We're actually honoring the Fourth of July today rather than yesterday (although last night we did watch the PBS concert/fireworks on TV) - we bought an inexpensive grill at Home Depot and will cook out hot dogs and hamburgers, and round out the meal with corn on the cob, potato salad, fresh fruit and a patriotically-decorated chocolate cake. There will be 10 of us (immediate family, significant others and a few friends) - we'll also celebrate two (July 2) birthdays: my husband's and my brother's girlfriend's.

After clean-up time, my husband and I will head back over to my sister's to spend one last night together before he flies back to Florida Monday evening - it's going to be so hard to say goodbye (don't go there yet, Susan!)...

SONG: Independence Day by Ferron

BOOK: Summer: A Spiritual Biography Of The Season by Gary D. Schmidt, Susan M. Felch (editors), Barry Moser (illustrator)

POEM: A Warm Summer in San Francisco by Carolyn Miller

Although I watched and waited for it every day,

somehow I missed it, the moment when everything reached

the peak of ripeness. It wasn't at the solstice; that was only

the time of the longest light. It was sometime after that, when

the plants had absorbed all that sun, had taken it into themselves

for food and swelled to the height of fullness. It was in July,

in a dizzy blaze of heat and fog, when on some nights

it was too hot to sleep, and the restaurants set half their tables

on the sidewalks; outside the city, down the coast,

the Milky Way floated overhead, and shooting stars

fell from the sky over the ocean. One day the garden

was almost overwhelmed with fruition:

My sweet peas struggled out of the raised bed onto the mulch

of laurel leaves and bark and pods, their brilliantly colored

sunbonnets of rose and stippled pink, magenta and deep purple

pouring out a perfume that was almost oriental. Black-eyed Susans

stared from the flower borders, the orange cherry tomatoes

were sweet as candy, the fruit fattened in its swaths of silk,

hummingbirds spiraled by in pairs, the bees gave up

and decided to live in the lavender. At the market,

surrounded by black plums and rosy plums and sugar prunes

and white-fleshed peaches and nectarines, perfumey melons

and mangos, purple figs in green plastic baskets,

clusters of tiny Champagne grapes and piles of red-black cherries

and apricots freckled and streaked with rose, I felt tears

come into my eyes, absurdly, because I knew

that summer had peaked and was already passing

away. I felt very close then to understanding the mystery;

it seemed to me that I almost knew

what it meant to be alive, as if my life had swelled

to some high moment of response, as if I could

reach out and touch the season, as if I were inside

its body, surrounded by sweet pulp and juice,

shimmering veins and ripened skin.

QUOTE: "You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence... with family picnics where kids throw Frisbees, the potato salad gets iffy, and the flies die from happiness." ~ Erma Bombeck

Because (The Beatles)

TUT: A Note from the Universe (yesterday):

What if, Susan, all that you had to look forward to were the things that are free, like sunrises, wagging tails, holding hands, and your imagination. Would it all be worth it?

Probably.

What if you could trade-in some of your free stuff for fabulous wealth, fulfilling work, gorgeous looks, or anything else that your heart desired? Would it all be worth it?

Does a bear sleep in the woods? Is the Pope Catholic? Would you like syrup with your French Toast?

Visualize, Susan. Before the price goes up.

The Universe

Susan, not only are the best things in life free, but you can cash them in for stuff and still have lots left over!

I feel lazy and and loose-limbed and loved, oh my! - and guess what we'd already had for breakfast before I read this?!? (French Toast, of course... :-)

SONG: Because by The Beatles

BOOK: Every Day I Love You More (Just Not Today): Lessons in Loving One Person for Life by Nancy Shulins

POEM: Terms of Endearment by Sue Ellen Thompson

Sweet biscuit of my life,

I've been thinking of your smile
and how I'd steal a little bite
of it if you were here; of the delights

I've known in the alleyway between
the whitewashed storefronts of your teeth;
of how I've pressed one smithereen
after another of mille-feuille, mousseline

of late-night conversation upon your lips,

forever poised at the brink of kissdom,

their slightest sigh enough to lift

a tableskirt. Perfectest pumpkin

in the patch, your heft on mine

is what I crave, your brows so fine

I could not carve them with a steak knife.

You have the acorn eyes

of the football season, the ass

of an autumn afternoon, of boys en masse

in soccer shorts. Yours is the vast

contained candescence of a Titian under glass,

it is the gold leaf laid

by February sun, the lemonade's

pale wash in August. Should you fade,

like sun on windowsills crocheted

with shadow, then suddenly gone dark,

your face will leave its watermark

upon this page, which is already part

of love's confection, our little work of art.

QUOTE: "The eskimos had fifty-two names for snow because it was important to them: there ought to be as many for love." ~ Margaret Atwood

Ah! Sweet Mystery of Life (from Young Frankenstein)

Your horoscope for July 1, 2009

Love and romance are apt to be among your top priorities for today, SUSAN. Someone from far away might have captured your heart, and you could therefore be looking forward to getting together with this person tonight, perhaps to attend a concert or sports event. You should find this person's presence very healing right now, and at the end of the evening feel inspired both mentally and physically. Have fun!

Yesterday's observation was pretty d*mn accurate (except for the "concert or sports event" reference) - my husband, who I haven't seen since May 19, arrived last night for a long weekend visit... and we are currently enjoying much-needed reconnection time at my sister's (headed to mom's mid-day tomorrow)...

Yes... I do admit to writing this post in advance - "the wai-ai-ai-ting is the hardest part" (Tom Petty... :-)

SONG: Ah! Sweet Mystery of Life (from Young Frankenstein)

BOOK: The Soul of Sex: Cultivating Life as an Act of Love by Thomas Moore

POEM: Meditation on the Word Need by Linda Rodriguez

The problem with words of emotion

is how easily meaning drains

from their fiddle-sweet sounds

and they become empty instruments.

I can say love

and mean desire to give—

open-handed, open-hearted—

or I am drawn to the light

shining from your soul—

or my life is empty without you—

or I want to run my hands

and mouth down the length of you—

or all of these at once.

Need, now, is a plain word.

I need a nail to hang this picture.

I need money to pay my bills.

I need air and light,

water and food,
shelter from storm and sun and cold.
To be healthy,
to be sane,
to survive,
I need you.

QUOTE(S): "Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer." ~ Swami X

"Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions." ~ Woody Allen

"A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking put out. The egg mutters to no one in particular, "I guess we answered that question." ~ Author Unknown

Good Fortune (Todd Snider)

I commented recently on a friend's blog, regarding Todd Snider's new CD, The Excitement Plan:

I have been cranky lately because I actually got in on the limited edition box set, which was shipped to my house (in Florida) on the CD release day - however, I am still at my mom’s and as yet unable to listen…

I may actually order the CD from amazon.com and have it sent here - I can find a good home for the duplicate when I get back home…

I personally think every single one of his albums is brilliant, and I do hope you manage to work your way through the backcatalog eventually - if you enjoy “political without being preachy”, start with East Nashville Skyline (The Ballad of the Kingsmen and Sunshine, in particular)…

So... I *did* order the CD... and it arrived yesterday - I had a chance to begin listening on my way back to mom's from Mari's this morning, and I am flippin' loving it already! I highly recommend - you can read more about it... and listen to a recent NPR interview here...

Speaking of Fortune... neighbors have been bringing food, friends have been sending flowers and cards and writing in mom's guestbook... and my husband might actually be flying up for a visit - goodness abounds!

SONG: Good Fortune by Todd Snider

BOOK: Create Your Own Luck: 8 Principles of Attracting Good Fortune in Life, Love, and Work by Azriela Jaffe

POEM: Give Us Courage by Robert Louis Stevenson

Give us courage, gaiety and the quiet mind.

Spare us to our friends, soften to us our enemies.

Bless us, if it may be, in all our innocent endeavors.

If it may not, give us the strength to encounter

that which is to come, that we be brave in peril,

constant in tribulation, temperate in wrath,

and in all changes of fortune and down to the gates

of death, loyal and loving to one another.

QUOTE: "I can't even enjoy a blade of grass unless I know there's a subway handy, or a record store or some other sign that people do not totally regret life. It's more important to confirm the least sincere. The clouds get enough attention as it is." ~ Frank O'Hara

Grampa Built Bridges (Danny Schmidt)

Okay... after yesterday's Pity Party post, I felt I needed to let you all know there are definitely bright spots in my transplanted life here - I've written before that I'm a big fan of Danny Schmidt's and, when I went looking on his site a few weeks ago for his latest tour schedule and found he would be appearing in a house concert about 30 minutes south of where my mom lives... well, can you spell
N-O B-R-A-I-N-E-R?

I dropped the host the following note:

My name is Susan... and I would like to make a reservation for your Danny/Jonathan/Doug&Telisha house concert on Saturday, June 20, please - there will be at least one (me) and hopefully I can bring a few more friends!

Long story short: I live, and run a concert series, in South Florida (links below) - I'm friends with, and have delightfully hosted, Danny and Jonathan. I'm currently in Flowery Branch (about 30 minutes north of you) with my ailing/aging mother - what began as a two-week visit has turned indefinite... and I'm jonesing for a music fix, as well as a break from caretaking...

If you have room, please count me in... and send me your address - I will keep you posted as to whether there will be others as it gets closer...

I'll ask your help in keeping this a secret, please... as I'd love to surprise the guys - would you do me a favor and make the reservation for Connie? (my mom's name... :-)

Thanks so much - I look forward to meeting you!

I did make it, had a grand time and wrote the musicians the e-mail below last evening:

Hey, Danny, Jonathan, Doug and Telisha -

Wanted to tell you, albeit belatedly, how much I enjoyed seeing you all at Art and Nance's this past Saturday night - it was great fun to surprise Danny and Jonathan (as well as be surprised by Don Porterfield!)... in addition to having a chance to "refill my well" from my caregiving duties of the last month...

Jonathan, I adore the new CD (and can't believe I hadn't yet taken the time to buy it) - every time I think your music can't get any better, it does. I've long thought that each new album is a re-invention... but now realize each is actually an extension... of your wisdom, experience and heart - Diana Jones is my new favorite JByrd song... :-)

Doug and Telisha, what a delight to be introduced to your great tunes and wonderful personalities - you're in good company on this tour, and you more than held your own. I always appreciate a new discovery (and promise to listen to your CD as soon as I can pry Jonathan's out of the player) - let's definitely talk about future Florida shows, okay?

Danny, count me in as a lover of Guilty By Association Blues - I also "called" the segue from D&T's Nashville song (turned to Don and said, "I'll bet money Danny follows that with Beggars & Mules"). Thanks for adding me to the dedication of Grampa Built Bridges (and for signing Instead the Forest Rose to Sing for my sister, who was staying with mom so I could take a break) - as I was leaving, and you hugged me long and hard, I somewhat tearily said, "there's no more stories about bridges indeed"... and you replied something to the effect of bridges always being built, which is a perfect metaphor for what I'm going through with my mom right now (so much baggage and history to wade through to get to the grace and dignity of this life transition)...

Wish I could arrange to make it down to Eddie's Attic... but that would just be decadent overload, even for an instant gratification Leo like myself - much love to you all... and thanks again for all you do, all you are and all you give to so many... <3

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P.S. Song commentary on Grampa Built Bridges from Danny's website:

It's my assertion that as our culture has gotten more urban and technological, and as our more direct connections with nature have been severed, we're not so in touch anymore with the autumns and winters of life -- the decomposing leaves, the turning back into soil -- and when we envision the path of a life, our model seems to only celebrate the bloomings and blossomings, and no longer celebrates the dignity in the inevitable curling and falling of the petals. And in that, our culture doesn't seem to prepare us to cross gracefully from one state of existence into another the way some older cultures have.

SONG: Grampa Built Bridges by Danny Schmidt

BOOK: Look at the Sky : Death in Cultures Around the World by Shawn Haley

POEM: Riveted by Robyn Sarah

It is possible that things will not get better

than they are now, or have been known to be.

It is possible that we are past the middle now.

It is possible that we have crossed the great water

without knowing it, and stand now on the other side.

Yes: I think that we have crossed it. Now

we are being given tickets, and they are not

tickets to the show we had been thinking of,

but to a different show, clearly inferior.

Check again: it is our own name on the envelope.

The tickets are to that other show.

It is possible that we will walk out of the darkened hall

without waiting for the last act: people do.

Some people do. But it is probable

that we will stay seated in our narrow seats

all through the tedious dénouement

to the unsurprising end — riveted, as it were;

spellbound by our own imperfect lives

because they are lives,

and because they are ours.

QUOTE: "Praise the bridge that carried you over." ~ George Colman

On the Road to Find Out (Cat Stevens)

Today's DailyOM
June 23, 2009
Different Ways of Navigating
We’re All in the Same Boat

We’re all in the same boat. We just have different paddles, and perhaps we find ourselves on different rivers. We all live in human bodies. These are the vehicles in which we move through our world. We are all made of flesh, blood, and bone, with brains, hearts, and lungs to power us. Our paddles—the tools we use to move through the world—vary, as do the bodies of water—the environments—in which we find ourselves.

Some of us use our high IQs to get where we want to go. Some of us use our smiles, others use kindness, a gift with language, or athletic ability. Some of these qualities we were born with and others are skills we have learned. Considering this metaphor in light of your own life can be very enlightening. What tools are you using to get from point A to point B in your life? Chances are, you and the people you know have used many different tools in various combinations throughout your lives to get where you needed to go. Just as with oars or paddles, a balanced approach is best. If you rely too much on one thing, like beauty, to open doors, you fail to be well-rounded and you may eventually lose your equilibrium. And if you lose that one quality, you have no paddle at all. This is inspiration to develop multiple tools to navigate your world.

Some of us may be moving along paths that are like rushing rivers; others may be on a large, still lake. We have all felt, at one time or another, tossed about on a stormy ocean. Through all this, we are never really alone, even though it might seem that way. There is inspiration all around us in the form of other people making their way through the world, in the very same boat. Remember to look around you for role models, companionship, and encouragement.

A dear friend forwarded me yesterday's Writer's Almanac (to which I already subscribe) and asked, about the poem (below): "Wouldn't you love to meet the person she wrote about? Does she know you?"... and at that moment, I realized my smile is one of my best attributes... and I seem to have lost it over the last month...

Not sure exactly when and how it happened, but this caregiving is serious business... and maybe I'm taking it too seriously... except, is there any such thing as too serious when it's literally life and death - I seem to become much more annoyed lately... with mom, with others around me and with myself. I find myself thinking words like "inappropriate" and "irresponsible" with others' methods of dealing in ways different from my own (an unfair judgement I'm sure, as different does not necessarily mean worse) - I feel like "the bad guy", *making* mom do things (like go to the bathroom when she says she doesn't have the energy, because the last thing we need are open bedsores, a situation we *can* control when so much of this we can't)...

Crazy thing is... I'm getting more, and longer, breaks than I did the first few weeks - maybe the transition to "the real world" is jarring - when I didn't know differently, I could immerse myself in the mindless routines. Now I know that everything doesn't have to smell like urine, there is such a thing as a good night's sleep and a day can just flow without having to write down every detail of medication, visits and questions for the hospice nurse - sometimes it seems pointless to "escape" when I know I'll be going right back to it within 24 hours (what's the point, you know?)...

When I arrived here a month ago, mom was handling so much on her own (with the help of my siblings and her neighbors) and my plan was to visit for a few weeks and head back home - instead, the timing was fortuitous and I felt I was the catalyst for drastic changes in her health care plan. Mom seemed relieved not to have to rise to the daily challenges anymore, and her friends were grateful someone had finally stepped in to take control - it's now become a double-edged sword as mom, who has always been the one in charge, seems to be resenting me because I took away her perceived independence... and I can't be "fun" because I am enforcing schedules and order (in her own best interests)...

I miss my husband, children and friends - I have been horribly remiss about returning phone calls and e-mails... and I almost can't think about my old life back home because it takes me out of my head and where I feel I need to be. Mom and I really are trying to make the most of this time together (watching movies, looking up things on the computer and just chatting) - yet sometimes... I can't help but realize how lonely I am... not to mention exhausted...

As I recently wrote on mom's CaringBridge website page, "things are changing so fast now and the key is our ability to adapt" - this means me too (snap out of it, Susan!... or, in the immortal words of Billy Crystal's character's wife to him in City Slickers: "Go and find your smile"... :-)

SONG: On the Road to Find Out by Cat Stevens

BOOK: Helping Yourself Help Others: A Book for Caregivers by Rosalynn Carter, Susan Golant

POEM: The Sun Grows In Your Smile by Linda Rodriguez

When you smile, the air grows warm and soft,
the earth is watered with gentle mists,
seeds sprout and spread leaves above the dark, damp soil,
earthworms pierce the crust and frolic across the surface
to the delight of fat, happily hunting robins,
lilies of the valley unfurl beside purple, grape-scented irises,
fat pink and maroon peonies, and gay California poppies,
damask roses hurl their rich fragrance to the wind,
the crazy-with-sheer-joy song of the Northern mockingbird
echoes above other chirps and sweet winged notes,
gardeners join the worms in the warm, rich dirt,
children gallop across yards and grab handfuls of dandelions
to present to mothers who will set them in glasses of water
in kitchen windows or on dining room tables, weeds
glorious after the dark of winter with the color of the sun
that grows and warms and heals in your smile.

QUOTE: "A smile is the light in the window of your face that tells people you're at home." ~ Author Unknown

Diamonds On The Soles Of Her Shoes (Paul Simon)

...or the tip of her nose? - when the going gets tough, the tough get a body piercing!

I have been talking about this for the last few months, wanting to get a small diamond nose stud (left side) when the time was right - Mari was here with mom yesterday afternoon and last night... and I googled for the closest tattoo parlor (one town over in Buford), checked out their website, gave them a call and decided to seize the day. Jennifer, a co-owner of the shop, has been piercing for 10 years and told me the "pain" (more like a bee sting) would last 2-5 seconds - she was right, I have a lovely facial adornment (finally making peace with my Barbra proboscis after all these years) and I am resolved to keep up with the 3-6 times a day hygiene routine so no infection sets in...

Crazily enough, I see it as a tangible reminder of spending this time with mom, who is so much like a diamond (shiny and sharp... :-) - it's also a celebration of my upcoming 55th birthday (August 5)...

As I said, Mari spent the night here last night so I could go to her house to get a good night's sleep - I will write a full update later on mom's CaringBridge website page...

I have an upcoming post planned about fireflies, as we don't have them in Florida and I've missed them so - I continue to delight each dusk as the small flashing specks of light dot the yard...


I also have a musical excursion planned Saturday night to a local (Lawrenceville) house concert to see/hear some dear friends (Mari will stay with mom again) - more on that after the fact, as I'm hoping to surprise them!



SONG: Diamonds On The Soles Of Her Shoes by Paul Simon


BOOK: Spiritual Tattoo: A Cultural History of Tattooing, Piercing, Scarification, Branding, and Implants by John Rush


POEM: The Ordinary by Kirsten Dierking

It's summer, so
the pink gingham shorts,
the red mower, the neat rows
of clean smelling grass
unspooling behind
the sweeping blades.

A dragonfly, black body
big as a finger, will not leave
the mower alone,
loving the sparkle
of scarlet metal,
seeing in even a rusting paint
the shade of a flower.

But I wave him off,
conscious he is
wasting his time,
conscious I am
filling my time
with such small details,
distracting colors,

like pink checks,
like this, then that,
like a dragonfly wing
in the sun reflecting
the color of opals,
like all the hours
we leave behind,
so ordinary,
but not unloved.

QUOTE: "For me the diamond dawns are set in rings of beauty, and all my ways are dewy wet with pleasant duty." ~ John Townsend Trowbridge

Silver Hair (Michael McNevin)

From today's TUT: Note from the Universe:

In the end, Susan, all you have are memories, and usually the ones you have with friends are the ones you treasure most.

I got you, babe - The Universe

Not that there's really an "end," Susan. And "usually" means there are indeed exceptions - like dancing in the dark, walking in a park, and some of those really loud sneezes.

Over the weekend, I set up a page for mom on the CaringBridge website (which a few friends had told me about) - I've added a few since my last post here... and you can check there periodically or sign up for e-mail notifications every time I post an update...

How strange to think that today makes four weeks I've been here at mom's - as the days unfold, I'm finding my own routine, as well as ours together. It's been ages since I experienced life in a small town (since our during- and post-college days in Carrollton)... and Flowery Branch brings back such good memories of friendliness, innocence and connection - whether I'm in a store or out in "traffic" or at exercise class, there's just a different, less hurried/harried feeling to my life. The slow Georgia drawl is a metaphor for the stretching out of time - this all seems to have a been another blessing in disguise for me, as my Florida schedule had become exhausting and paralyzing...

I have to talk a minute about the women in the seniors aerobics, which I've been attending fairly regularly (aiming for 3 times a week) since my arrival - all in their 70s and 80s, they've been so friendly and welcoming... and it's comforting to take a break from the illness at home to their light-hearted chatter of grandchildren, gardens and knitting. I've grown quite fond of non-stop-talking Shirley with her knee brace, perpetually-arriving-late Charlotte with her pearl-buttoned cardigan sweater, always-smiling Elsie who is still trying to find a home for her gerbils and immaculately-made-up and manicured Joyce who has suffered some serious health problems and still manages to make it to exercise class - I am in awe of these women, who have become my role models by not just showing up... but by not giving up...

I finally finished Crooked Little Heart by Anne Lamott (which I'd been working on for well over a week, not my reading modus operandi at all!) - I so enjoy her writing... and wanted to share a few passages that hit home:

Charles groaned, shifted. She tried to imagine the effect that their being around for his dying was going to have on her and Rae, and Rosie. She didn't know what that effect would be, because it was like a tiny green shoot whose flower was growing in the dark, but sitting with him today gave her this hard gift: it let her acknowledge one incandescent part of the world that would soon be gone, extinguished.

and...

She heard Rae's footsteps recede, and then Elizabeth felt grief trying to pierce her or trying to get through to her to save her: it was hard to tell. Crying withheld feels sometimes like dying. Finally when she started to cry, she was so deluged with mucus and tears that she didn't think she would ever again get a full breath.

I semi-blogged about this song over at Star Maker Machine - remembered the perfect poem to go with it... so decided to recycle it here... :-)

SONG: Silver Hair by Michael McNevin

BOOK: SWAG: Southern Women Aging Gracefully by Melinda Rainey Thompson

POEM: I Confess by Alison Luterman

I stalked her
in the grocery store: her crown
of snowy braids held in place by a great silver clip,
her erect bearing, radiating tenderness,
watching
the way she placed yogurt and avocados in her basket,
beaming peace like the North Star.
I wanted to ask, "What aisle did you find
your serenity in, do you know
how to be married for fifty years or how to live alone,
excuse me for interrupting, but you seem to possess
some knowledge that makes the earth turn and burn on its axis—"
But we don’t request such things from strangers
nowadays. So I said, “I love your hair.”

QUOTE(S): "Women are always beautiful." ~ Ville Valo

"Nobody grows old merely by living a number of years. We grow old by deserting our ideals. Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul. ~ Samuel Ullman

"The great secret that all old people share is that you really haven't changed in seventy or eighty years. Your body changes, but you don't change at all. And that, of course, causes great confusion. ~ Doris Lessing

"It's important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle. ~ Author Unknown

"It is not by the gray of the hair that one knows the age of the heart." ~ Edward Bulwer-Lytton

Don't Ever Change (Amy Rigby)

Sent: Tue, 9 Jun 2009 4:00 pm

Subject: Connie Circle update - 6/9/09

Hey, All -

Hard to believe it's been a week since my last update - "no news is good news" is a cliche for a reason!

I've added a few people to the distribution: J/M M, M/B B, K/R G, B/M H, M/C M, D/K C, E L and J/L A - continued love, prayers, purple candles, cards, skyward intentions are appreciated...

Lots of good days for mom, most of them prompted by the support of friends and family - D, K and E came up last Tuesday night for a visit... and we had Chinese Food Night last Wednesday with her Flowery Branch friends/neighbors (R, A, C, S, D, R) as well as me, Mari and Julia...

D stopped in Saturday morning... and my Sarah (soon-to-be-28, believe it or not!) was here (from Florida) Friday through early this morning - we had a most delightful long weekend, with Mari and Julia spending most of it with us, and Brad coming over Sunday for a family dinner...

A, G, M and B are coming up tomorrow and bringing lunch - it will be grand to see them, as the last time was at Aunt Marie's funeral (almost a year ago, actually)...

We just can't say enough good things about Crossroads Hospice - every nurse/health care aide/administrator has been friendly, compassionate and knowledgeable every step of the way. Arranging for mom to stay in her own home throughout the journey is everyone's priority - as her safety net widens, her anxiety level decreases... which is a win/win for all...

We did indeed get wireless here last week (thanks to my little sister!)... and Mari has begun working from mom's house each Monday and Wednesday so I can get to exercise class with two of mom's friends/neighbors (thanks, A and D!) - each day brings a finetuning of the processes, options and opportunities... and it is slowly becoming the calming and nurturing routine we envisioned...

Mom's church family has been wonderful... with a married couple coming every Sunday morning at 9:30 to pray and administer communion... and mom's priest visited this past Sunday afternoon for The Anointing of the Sick rite (after watching the Tony Awards later that evening, we realized he looks like Elton John!)...

I miss my husband, children and dog terribly... although it appears they are faring just fine in my absence - Chico and Eric bought a gas grill... so buy stock in the Publix meat department!)...

This time is all about mom... and we are making sure she eats healthy food, gets as much rest as she wants/needs and *lives* each day with joy, peace and love... surrounded by the amazing people she has blessed with her goodness over the years... who are reciprocating a thousandfold now. So she's not the Energizer Bunny anymore - she's doing a pretty good imitation of a Buddhist monk (be here now... :-)

Much love to all - thanks for everything... <3

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DailyOm
A Life of Learning
Earth School
May 21, 2009

Life is the province of learning, and the wisdom we acquire throughout our lives is the reward of existence. As we traverse the winding roads that lead from birth to death, experience is our patient teacher. We exist, bound to human bodies as we are, to evolve, enrolled by the universe in earth school, an informal and individualized academy of living, being, and changing. Life’s lessons can take many forms and present us with many challenges. There are scores of mundane lessons that help us learn to navigate with grace, poise, and tolerance in this world. And there are those once-in-a-lifetime lessons that touch us so deeply that they change the course of our lives. The latter can be heartrending, and we may wander through life as unwilling students for a time. But the quality of our lives is based almost entirely on what we derive from our experiences.

Earth school provides us with an education of the heart and the soul, as well as the intellect. The scope of our instruction is dependent on our ability and readiness to accept the lesson laid out before us in the circumstances we face. When we find ourselves blindsided by life, we are free to choose to close our minds or to view the inbuilt lesson in a narrow-minded way. The notion that existence is a never-ending lesson can be dismaying at times. The courses we undertake in earth school can be painful as well as pleasurable, and as taxing as they are eventually rewarding. However, in every situation, relationship, or encounter, a range of lessons can be unearthed. When we choose to consciously take advantage of each of the lessons we are confronted with, we gradually discover that our previous ideas about love, compassion, resilience, grief, fear, trust, and generosity could have been half-formed.

Ultimately, when we acknowledge that growth is an integral part of life and that attending earth school is the responsibility of every individual, the concept of "life as lesson" no longer chafes. We can openly and joyfully look for the blessing buried in the difficulties we face without feeling that we are trapped in a roller-coaster ride of forced learning. Though we cannot always know when we are experiencing a life lesson, the wisdom we accrue will bless us with the keenest hindsight.

And from my 5/29/09 TUT (Totally Unique Thoughts):

Which sounds like more fun, Susan: Being showered with miracles just because I love you, or being showered with miracles because you dared, stretched, went out on a limb, raised the bar, threw down the gauntlet, faced your fears, and grew into more than you ever knew you could be?

Dare ya, The Universe

Challenge yourself, Susan, every single day.

SONG: Don't Ever Change by Amy Rigby

BOOK: Broken Open: How Difficult Times Can Help Us Grow by Elizabeth Lesser

POEM: In Blackwater Woods by Mary Oliver

Look, the trees
are turning
their own bodies
into pillars

of light,
are giving off the rich
fragrance of cinnamon
and fulfillment,

the long tapers
of cattails
are bursting and floating away over
the blue shoulders

of the ponds,
and every pond,
no matter what its
name is, is

nameless now.
Every year
everything
I have ever learned

in my lifetime
leads back to this: the fires
and the black river of loss
whose other side

is salvation,
whose meaning
none of us will ever know.
To live in this world

you must be able
to do three things:
to love what is mortal;
to hold it

against your bones knowing
your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it go,
to let it go.

QUOTE:"In the East they say that luck favors the prepared mind. I believe that life favors the prepared mind." ~ Robin S. Sharma

Afternoon Delight (Starland Vocal Band)

DailyOM
June 1, 2009
Taking a Time Out
You Are Not Crazy

Most of us feel a little crazy from time to time. Periods of high stress can make us feel like we’re losing it, as can being surrounded by people whose values are very different from our own. Losing a significant relationship and moving into a new life situation are other events that can cause us to feel off kilter. Circumstances like these recur in our lives, and they naturally affect our mental stability. The symptoms of our state of mind can range from having no recollection of putting our car keys where we eventually find them, to wondering if we’re seeing things clearly when everyone around us seems to be in denial of what’s going on right in front of their eyes. For most of us, the key to survival at times like these is to step back, take a deep breath, and regain our composure. Then we can decide what course of action to take.

Sometimes a time-out does the trick. We take a day off from whatever is making us feel crazy and, like magic, we feel in our right mind again. Talking to an objective friend can also help. We begin to see what it is about the situation that destabilizes us, and we can make changes from there. At other times, if the situation is particularly sticky, we may need to seek professional help. Meeting with someone who understands the way the human mind reacts to stress, loss, and difficulty can make us feel less alone and more supported. A therapist or a spiritual counselor can give us techniques that help bring us back to a sane state of mind so that we can affect useful changes. They can also mirror our basic goodness, helping us to see that we are actually okay.

The main purpose of the wake-up call that feeling crazy provides is to let us know that something in our lives is out of balance. Confirm for yourself that you are capable of creating a sane and peaceful reality for yourself. Try to remember that most people have felt, at one time or another, that they are losing it. You deserve a life that helps you thrive. Try and take some steps today to help you achieve more balance and a little less crazy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Contrary to what my song title might suggest, I am doing the *next best thing*: self-nurturing - you can take that any way you wish!

Thanks to my darling sister, I have the day off - now that mom's settling into a bit more of a routine, Mari and I are working out a schedule such that she can get to her Boot Camp workout from 7-8 a.m. each Monday and Wednesday... and then come directly to mom's so I can get to *my* exercise class (albeit seniors, with some of mom's neighbors) from 9:30-10:30 a.m. Having wireless installed at mom's (great idea, sis!) means that she can stay there and work from mom's house, so as soon as I get back from working out, I can shower and then head over to Mari's for a day of leisure (confused yet?... :-)

I *should* be working on the folk club June newsletter (which is already three days overdue)... but I am instead checking and responding to e-mail, drinking a Diet Coke (it's been months since I indulged) and doing serious damage to some smoked fish dip in Mari's fridge... not to mention writing this blog post - I am so loving this break. You can't imagine how wonderful it is to be able to concentrate (or not) and know I don't have to be responsible for anything for a few hours - Peace of Mind: f*cking Priceless (thank you, thank you, thank you, Mari!)...

She had even suggested I stay overnight and come back in the morning - I'll take a raincheck on that offer... since I had already begun coordinating a Chinese Food Night at mom's with the neighbors tonight, and I selfishly wanted to be there for it...

Had a great visit last night with E and D, two guy friends from my late-high-school/early-college/post-wedding past - we used to have a Three Musketeers relationship... and I hate to admit I'd lost touch (more my fault than theirs). They, along with D's wife (who I also know and love) came up to mom's last night to hang out - it was lovely to reconnect (we've still got it... :-)

I have another hour before I need to return - maybe I'll take a nap (mmmmmm)...

P.S. I haven't had sex in two weeks - you may notice a change in attitude soon (grumpy and snappy and needy, oh my!)...

SONG: Afternoon Delight by Starland Vocal Band

BOOK: Self-Nurture: Learning to Care for Yourself As Effectively As You Care for Everyone Else by Alice D. Domar, Henry Dreher

POEM: Daffodils by William Wordsworth

I wander'd lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the Milky Way,
They stretch'd in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay;
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

The waves beside them danced, but they
Out-did the sparkling waves in glee;
A poet could not but be gay,
In such a jocund company:
I gazed—and gazed—but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:

For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.

QUOTE: "I would not exchange my leisure hours for all the wealth in the world." ~ Comte de Mirabeau

Home (Karla Bonoff)

Below is the latest Connie Circle e-mail - I've added my two uncles/aunts, as well as friends from mom's old neighborhood (the circle widens)...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sent: Tue, 2 Jun 2009 2:15 am

Subject: Connie Circle - 6/1/09 update

Hey, All -

It's been a few days since my last update - much to report... and I've added a few people to the distribution (welcome D/G D, A/M, Uncle A/J, Uncle F/Aunt J, A/G, B/J). Widening the circle is always a good thing - mom is lucky to have so many people who love her...

When I last wrote, mom had just signed up for hospice care - they were ready to send someone out Friday but, since we'd already scheduled to have D, G, A and M visit (thanks for a lovely afternoon, full of good food, good company and plenty of reminiscing!), we asked if we could postpone until Monday. They said they could actually send some of their weekend staff on Saturday, and we were thrilled - when we still hadn't heard from anyone by 3 p.m. Saturday, I gave a call...

Got their answering service, left message and someone called me back within 5 minutes - I explained the situation and she said they could send two people (a home health aide and a nurse) out that afternoon. I said we were fine waiting until Sunday or Monday - she insisted... and they came within a few hours, the former giving mom a bath and the latter checking her vital signs and chatting with her a bit.

This morning (Monday) was our first "official" day with them, and the phone rang numerous times as I heard from a different nurse, a different home health aide, a social worker and a spiritual caregiver - we made appointments this afternoon with the first three and asked the fourth to come on Wednesday instead (wow - impressive!)...

~ Tammy will be mom's nurse, coming twice a week, Monday or Tuesday... and again Thursday or Friday - we loved her immediately, as she answered so many of her questions about mom's prednisone dosage, her nasal crustiness, her swollen ankle and her constipation (sorry). One of my main concerns is when mom asks me to "tweak" (i.e., turn up her oxygen at certain times when she's having trouble... and then turn it back down when she's calmer) - Tammy said that was perfectly fine to do and should help alleviate some of mom's anxiety about having to get up to go to the bathroom, etc... which would go a long way toward reducing my worry as well...

A very cool thing is that Tammy's parents just happen to be the #2 importers of sea shells in the country... and we all know that mom's house is decorated with them from tip to toe, bow to stern - Tammy said she'd bring mom a present the next time she comes... :-)

~ Then Sandra, mom's social worker, arrived (she will come twice a month, unless we need her more often) - she basically evaluated our situation by asking lots of questions. Her main role is providing guidance, if needed, for funeral arrangements, caregiver hiring, legal issues, etc. - she is also there for emotional support, when talking to someone objective, rather than a family member, is what mom needs...

~ Erica will be mom's home health aide, coming every Monday, Wednesday and Friday - it was a good thing she was running late, because mom was already so wiped out from the first two visits. I allow mom to set the pace as to how much talking she wants to do - I can handle most of it, and she does what she's able. Erica will help mom with bathing (a bed bath seems to be the way to go), applying lotion, giving massages/manicures/pedicures, changing sheets, etc. - we were floored to find out the hospice program provides the adult underwear, wipes, deodorant, body wash and many other products.

We continue to be amazed with the program - these caregivers are not only knowledgeable and informative, but they are compassionate as well, always making eye contact with mom, and exhibiting in their conversational skills that this is a vocation/calling for them, rather than a job. We now have a prepared team of professionals surrounding mom, which reinforces the team we already had in place with family and neighbors - we're learning more each day, and establishing routines that can be flexible if need be.

Not sure if I said this in my last few updates... but Harriet, the admissions nurse, told mom she needs to compare her day to a prepaid phone card, in which she has a finite number of minutes each day - she can spend them any way she chooses but, once they're gone, they're gone. Better to conserve her energy for things only she can do (bathroom, etc.), and allow others to help elsewhere - it's been a learning experience for mom, as she's always been the caregiver and isn't used to accepting help. I'm also walking the fine line of encouraging her to letting me follow through on certain things (topical ointment, saline solution, etc.) which I know wear her out but are of value in the long run - I told mom tonight that I didn't want her to feel I was forcing her into anything but... there are so many things we *can't* control regarding her pulmonary fibrosis that it feels good to set goals in which we *can* make a difference...

Thanks so much to Mari for getting in touch with mom's cable provider and setting up an appointment to have wireless installed Wednesday morning - I've said before that Internet connection is spotty here (piggybacking onto a neighbor's network) and not only will I be able to get more done more quickly once she has wireless... but that also means Mari can come over more often and work from mom's house, giving me breaks...

Speaking of... we've arranged for that this Wednesday, as Mari and Julia will arrive a few minutes before 9 a.m. so I can go to exercise class with A and D - when I return, I'll shower and then head over to Mari's house (about 20 minutes away) with Julia, where I can spend the day as I choose (sleeping/reading/computer), returning later in the event for Chinese food night (a neighborhood routine I'm attempting to re-vitalize... :-)

We remain boundlessly grateful for everyone's phone calls, e-mails, book loans, prayers, support, love, etc. - it truly does take a village... and mom is so lucky hers transcends county/state lines...Love to you all - more in the next few days... <3>

SONG: Home by Karla Bonoff

BOOK: Hospice Care at Home: A Guide to Caring for Your Dying Loved One at Home by Starr Calo-oy, Bob Calo-oy

POEM: Have You Ever Tried to Enter the Long Black Branches? by Mary Oliver

Have you ever tried to enter the long black branches

of other lives --

tried to imagine what the crisp fringes, full of honey,

hanging

from the branches of the young locust trees, in early morning,

feel like?

Do you think this world was only an entertainment for you?

Never to enter the sea and notice how the water divides

with perfect courtesy, to let you in!

Never to lie down on the grass, as though you were the grass!

Never to leap to the air as you open your wings over

the dark acorn of your heart!

No wonder we hear, in your mournful voice, the complaint

that something is missing from your life!

Who can open the door who does not reach for the latch?

Who can travel the miles who does not put one foot

in front of the other, all attentive to what presents itself

continually?

Who will behold the inner chamber who has not observed

with admiration, even with rapture, the outer stone?

Well, there is time left --

fields everywhere invite you into them.

And who will care, who will chide you if you wander away

from wherever you are, to look for your soul?

Quickly, then, get up, put on your coat, leave your desk!

To put one's foot into the door of the grass, which is

the mystery, which is death as well as life, and

not be afraid!

To set one's foot in the door of death, and be overcome

with amazement!

To sit down in front of the weeds, and imagine

god the ten-fingered, sailing out of his house of straw,

nodding this way and that way, to the flowers of the

present hour,

to the song falling out of the mockingbird's pink mouth,

to the tippets of the honeysuckle, that have opened

in the night

To sit down, like a weed among weeds, and rustle in the wind!

Listen, are you breathing just a little, and calling it a life?

While the soul, after all, is only a window,

and the opening of the window no more difficult

than the wakening from a little sleep.

Only last week I went out among the thorns and said

to the wild roses:

deny me not,

but suffer my devotion.

Then, all afternoon, I sat among them.

Maybe

I even heard a curl or tow of music, damp and rouge red,

hurrying from their stubby buds, from their delicate watery bodies.

For how long will you continue to listen to those dark shouters,

caution and prudence?

Fall in! Fall in!

A woman standing in the weeds.

A small boat flounders in the deep waves, and what's coming next

is coming with its own heave and grace.

Meanwhile, once in a while, I have chanced, among the quick things,

upon the immutable.

What more could one ask?

And I would touch the faces of the daises,

and I would bow down

to think about it.

That was then, which hasn't ended yet.

Now the sun begins to swing down. Under the peach-light,

I cross the fields and the dunes,

I follow the ocean's edge.

I climb, I backtrack. I float.

I ramble my way home.

QUOTE: "Every parting is a form of death, as every reunion is a type of heaven." ~ Tryon Edwards

Who Have You Been (and who are you now) (Carrie Newcomer)

A major update to follow later today or, more likely tomorrow - we were told a nurse/home health aide/caregiver would be coming today so I've waited to discuss yesterday's happenings...

In the meantime, I've been thinking how much caregiving for mom this past week and a half reminds me of the early stages of motherhood - I remember back to those days when my life revolved around someone else and how I needed to approach it with joy rather than resentment in order to maximize action and minimize frustration...

My day now consists of waking up about 8... and listening out for mom to stir (during which time I turn off the front porch light, unlock the front door, bring in the newspaper, unlock and open the back door and make myself a cup of chai) - I sometimes stand in her doorway to see if she's awake... although, when she does wake, she usually turns on the TV (The Today Show) to get herself ready to start her day.

At that point, I start a pot of coffee (she was drinking hot tea before I got here because it was easier) and go back to the bedroom to supervise her first walker-assisted trip of the day to the bathroom - mom spends as much time in there as she needs, slowly changing from her nightgown into the knee-length cotton T-shirts she likes to wear during the day (after I've applied the topical antibiotic to the lesions on her back and upper arms).

Again, when she's ready, I follow her walker-assisted trip into the living room, where mom settles herself into the left-side corner of the couch, remaining most of the day, with the TV on... at full volume - I then make her breakfast (an English muffin with butter and apricot preserves or a bowl of oatmeal or two blueberry waffles with butter and syrup), put it on a tray and bring it to her. I might do an e-mail check at that time, but usually I make up her bed and mine, as well as anything else that might need attending, and sit and chat with her a few minutes to see how she's feeling - when she's finished eating, I take the tray into the kitchen, clean up, make sure the distilled water in the humidifier of the oxygen machine is properly filled and check the flow gauge...

By that time, mom has laid her head down on the arm of the couch for a nap - I might get a few e-mails answered, but I'm constantly prepared for an interruption, whether by phone, front door or her waking. We chat off and on during the morning as I do laundry, prepare our To Do list and generally make myself accessible to follow through however she needs me (find specific paperwork, bring her summer pocketbook to switch over to, help sort through her medication, etc.) - we talk about what she wants for lunch and dinner...

Lunch can be a sandwich or salad, always with fruit since she remains constipated - she will rest again after eating. When she sleeps, she moans... and it scares me - I might try to work at the computer again, but I can never really concentrate because I'm worried and therefore constantly attentive to any slight change in breathing. I try to get a shower in then, but it's not always possible - I recall, when my children were infants, that I would put them in their rocker seat and set them on the bathroom floor so I could see them, taking the quickest shower in history and talking to them throughout. I wish I could do that with mom but instead have to leave her on the couch - when the water's running, I hallucinate that I hear her calling me, only to find that, after I've rushed through my hygiene process, she's still asleep, or at least perfectly fine...

At this point, I might run an errand to the grocery store or for some other necessity, making sure one of the neighbors knows I'm going... and that mom has the phone right next to her - I'm never gone more than an hour, and usually less than that. My sister and brother always call during the course of the day, as well as various friends and neighbors - it wears mom out to chat, but it's wonderful to know so many people are thinking of her...

Afternoons roll over into evenings and sometimes we do "Happy Hour"... after which I fix and serve dinner, usually about 7 p.m. - we watch Wheel of Fortune and then Jeopardy... and then mom goes on a three-hour jag of crime drama shows (continuing at full volume). NCIS/CSI:NameThatCity/Criminal Minds/Forensic Files/The Mentalist/Without a Trace all look alike to me... but she loves them - I'm over the blood and guts and gore, oh my!... and sometimes miss Jon & Kate (without the recent brouhaha), Antiques Roadshow and InTreatment...

Mom will usually watch the first 30 minutes of Murder, She Wrote and then head back to bed - I help her back to the bathroom and then switch on the fan and light in her bedroom, as well as turn back her covers and put her water glass on the bedside table. I wait for her to come in, kiss her goodnight (with emotion) and head back into the living room to get whatever I can get done at the computer (fingers crossed the Internet connection prevails) or some reading until exhaustion/sleepiness take over - I've found that if I stay up late, I pay for it the next day...

The worst part is the hours between 2 and 6 a.m., when it's still dark and I can hear mom breathing and moaning - then sometimes she gets quiet... and I sneak in there to make sure she's okay (remember those middle of the night visits standing by our infant's crib to make sure they're still alive?). Sometimes she gets up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom... which wakes me (I'm back in parent mode these days) - I yell out that I'm there if she needs me... and sometimes she does and sometimes she doesn't...

Before we know it, it's 8 a.m. again... and time to wash/rinse/repeat - I'm hanging in there... and some days are easier than others...

P.S. Speaking of children... my dear daughter Sarah just made arrangements to fly up next Friday to spend a long weekend with mom (my kids call her Mimi) - when I told mom, she cried with joy...

SONG: Who Have You Been (and who are you now) by Carrie Newcomer (scroll down to page 14)

BOOK: Unwrapping the Sandwich Generation: Life Vignettes about Seniors & Their Adult Boomer Children by Susan Cunningham

POEM: Sometimes by David Whyte

Sometimes
if you move carefully
through the forest

breathing
like the ones
in the old stories

who could cross
a shimmering bed of dry leaves
without a sound,

you come
to a place
whose only task

is to trouble you
with tiny
but frightening requests

conceived out of nowhere
but in this place
beginning to lead everywhere.

Requests to stop what
you are doing right now,
and to stop what you

are becoming
while you do it,
questions

that can make
or unmake
a life,

questions
that have patiently
waited for you,

questions
that have no right
to go away.

QUOTE: "In youth the days are short and the years are long; in old age the years are short and the days long." ~ Nikita Ivanovich Panin

Peace of Mind (Loggins & Messina)

First of all, I want everyone to know how much I cherish your blog comments as well as your private e-mails (Linda, I promise to reply personally soon) - it means much to hear from you, even if I'm not always able to respond. My days are not my own - between meals/doctors/laundry, etc., I've really not had much time for myself (no surprise there)...

I also want to say that, I of all people understand that life gets busy - even if you haven't weighed in, we can still feel your support...

This is truly the most difficult thing I've ever had to do... so please keep those thoughts, prayers and love coming - they are oh so appreciated...

Two more Connie Circle updates:

Sent: Wed, 27 May 2009 12:03 pm

Subject: Connie Circle update - 5/27/09

Hey, All -

Okay... two forward, one back - we'll start with the latter... :-)

~ I told you in yesterday's update that we had Hi-Tech switch mom from her 40 ft. (skinny) tubing to 25 ft. (high flow) - welllll, we thought we'd be fine logistically (didn't it always seem like she had way too much slack?) but, when mom went to motivate to bed last night, we realized she could only go as far as her bathroom doorway (whoops!).

Fortunately, we had taken the possibility into consideration and had her use the hallway bathroom on the way - I called Hi-Tech, took full responsibility for the mis-calculation and they will come out tomorrow morning to switch back, but this time to a 40 ft. high flow (crisis averted!). She does seem as if she's getting more oxygen since the switch - her color looks better and moving doesn't seem to take quite so much out of her...

~ We noticed some lesions on her back and shoulders yesterday and, after R took a look last night and suggested she see the doctor, I made an appointment with Dr. Mini for 3 p.m. today - good news...

~ We heard back from Crossroads Hospice today - they were more than willing to come out this afternoon but, since we had just made the doctor's appointment, they will come at 2 p.m. tomorrow instead. They are sending a nurse for an evaluation and someone from their office if we need to initiate paperwork/consent...

~ Mom called the cemetery (to talk about getting spaces for Marie, herself and B) and they do make home visits - she's to hear back from a Mr. Lawson sometime today to make an appointment...

~ Thanks to B (R's husband) who came over to measure for a screen door (which mom's been wanting) - I will pull up some options on Home Depot's website, mom can choose a few in order of preference and Brad and I can pick one up Sunday...

~ Mom called her newspaper carrier and asked if they could begin hanging the newspaper (Thursday-Sunday delivery on her front doorknob (rather than at the garage door where they've been throwing it) - they are more than glad to do that...

I think that's it (for now) - I'll keep you all posted... and thanks again to all for everything!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sent: Fri, 29 May 2009 2:01 am

Subject: Connie Circle update - 5/28/09

Hey, All -

To quote my favorite singer-songwriter Dar Williams, "I lived a whole life in one night" - where to begin?

~ Hi-Tech (the oxygen company) called back this morning and it seems that the 40 ft. tubing does not come in high flow - we decided to make the trade-off of limited mobility for increased oxygen and mom is okay with it (more on this further down)...

~ I got her to the doctor yesterday afternoon for her lesions and she was immediately diagnosed with neurodermatitis, very common in people of her age and circumstances -the doctor prescribed a topical ointment to apply twice a day for the next 10 days and we are all so relieved to know what it is and how to make it better...

~ Two guys from the funeral home/cemetery came out yesterday to talk to mom about not only her arrangements, but the interment of Marie's cremains (who passed away last June) - B said he wanted to be with both his mothers (mom and Marie) so mom decided on three side-by-side niches in the Catholic section. Her words: "signed, sealed, delivered"... :-)

~ With my brother's help, I bought the screen door today, only to find out we really needed a storm door - thanks again to B, R's husband, who took me back up there tonight to make the exchange... and he will install tomorrow or over the weekend...

~ The newspaper was delivered to the front door today, but not hanging on the doorknob - we'll give it another few days before we call back..

~ Okay... two women from Crossroads Hospice came this afternoon, Connie the supervisor and Harriet, the caseworker/nurse - they were amazingly informative and experienced and compassionate and, after only a short while, it was determined that now was indeed a good time for mom to begin the program. M and B (my sister and brother) were here as well, and everyone could tell this was a mutual decision, for mom's benefit - peace of mind... priceless... not to mention the fact that Medicare covers everything. They will send a wheelchair, shower chair and bedside commode out tomorrow and a visiting nurse will come Saturday (she would have come tomorrow as well, except for the fact we have company mid-day and wanted to concentrate on them) - there will be a team of nurses, caregivers, social workers, spiritual counselors, etc. not to mention all of mom's oxygen and medications will be taken care of through Crossroads now (we are especially reassured about the switch in oxygen providers)...

~ After reading lots about hospice programs, I realized someone has to step up to be primary caregiver and that role seems to fall naturally to me - I've said from the beginning that my unemployment was a blessing in disguise. I plan to stay up here indefinitely to oversee the progression, as well as take advantage of the time with mom - M and B will come over when they're able (considering they're both working full-time jobs) and M mentioned getting wireless at mom's so she can work from there (since Internet has been so unreliable here). Everyone has promised I will get breaks, which I will need - fortunately, everything I need to accomplish in the next few months can be done from here, and we will take one joyful, comfortable, peace-filled day at a time (it's now all about abundance rather than deprivation)...

I'm pretty talked/typed out... but so glad to know the responsibility will now be umbrella-ed under one resource... and we can concentrate on spending quality time together - much love to all as we continue on this journey together... <3

SONG: Peace of Mind by Loggins & Messina

BOOK: No Death, No Fear by Thich Nhat Hanh

POEM: To Look at Any Thing by John Moffitt

To look at any thing,

If you would know that thing,

You must look at it long:

To look at this green and say,

"I have seen spring in these

Woods," will not do - you must

Be the thing you see:

You must be the dark snakes of

Stems and ferny plumes of leaves,

You must enter in

To the small silences between

The leaves,

You must take your time

And touch the very peace

They issue from.

QUOTE: "The world that was not mine yesterday now lies spread out at my feet, a splendor. I seem, in the middle of the night, to have returned to the world of apples, the orchards of Heaven. Perhaps I should take my problems to a shrink, or perhaps I should enjoy the apples that I have, streaked with color like the evening sky." ~ John Cheever

Lungs (Townes Van Zandt)

Below is a note I just wrote to The Connie Circle, an e-mail distribution I've spoken of before (consisting of me, my sister, my daughter, and three of Mom's neighbors/friends), which I set up to keep us all in the loop after I returned last January - I also added my husband and two sons to this one, so they can be apprised of information/progress...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sent: Tue, 26 May 2009 2:32 pm
Subject: Connie Circle update - 5/26/09 - looooong (sorry!)...

Hey, All (and I've added C, R and E to our loop) -

As everyone knows, I've been here since mid-Tuesday (5/19)... so today makes one week I've had to observe 24/7 what's happening with mom - crazy enough, when I made my reservations, it was just supposed to be a "routine" visit... but it didn't take long to realize my timing was intuitively perfect...

Mom has obviously declined since I last saw her late-January... but I've even noticed a downturn since my arrival - you all know it is terrifying to watch her struggle for breath, especially when motivating to the bathroom or bedroom... but even sometimes just sitting still. She needs more oxygen, which seems to be less effective - no wonder she doesn't want to leave the comfort zone of her corner of the couch...

~ One thing I feel *very* good about is dealing with H-T (the oxygen company) this morning - they had been promising her extra cannulas (the high-flow breathing tubing) for weeks and still hadn't delivered. I left a message with their answering service over the weekend to escalate... and then called the office itself this morning - spoke with A, who was extremely helpful, and sent back the two techs who were here Friday...

Long story short (I'm trying!): on A's recommendation, they switched out the longer (40 ft.) thinner line for the shorter (25 ft.) thicker (high flow) line - we had problems over the weekend, and mom asked me to turn up her oxygen. I had the dial *as far as it would go* and it was still only registering 9 (very scary) rather than the 10 it is supposed to go up to - now, the machine is accurately reflecting her oxygen flow and I/we feel 9 is a *true* 9 (whew)...

Also, mom told me that someone (she doesn't recall who) told her that the cannula and the humidifier should be changed out every *month* - as I questioned H-T, all are saying they should be changed out every *week*. Of course that's going to make a difference, since her nasal connection gets clogged up with mucus/blood/etc. - we will now make a point to change out both each Monday...

Also, since Mom had a problem with the portable tanks when we went out for R's birthday (they only go up to 6), she asked me to ask A if they could just take those away, as well as remove the Helios portable tank we used to fill them. A said that big tank can be used as a back-up in case of a power outage (who knew?!?)... and they not only moved it into the futon room, but equipped it with a 25 ft. high flow line, a humidifier and a cannula such that, should she lose power, all she (or someone) has to do is make it to that room, put on that cannula and turn it up to 10 (it jumps from 8 to 10, skipping over 9)...

This has all gone a long way toward giving mom (and me) peace of mind regarding her oxygen, which makes her breathe easier (literally and metaphorically) - whew...

~ Her ankles started swelling yesterday afternoon when everyone was here, because she was sitting up more than usual (with her feet on the ground) - she took one of her Fluorsomething? (Lasix substitute) pills last night and, after calling Dr. G's (kidney doctor) office, again this morning, making sure to eat some potassium after (as per instructions)...

~ After her difficulties yesterday, I remembered she had 3 Ventolin inhalers (1 in her medicine tray and 2 in the cabinet), which she had told me her doctor said she didn't need anymore - I brought one to her in the bathroom and a few puffs actually helped her make it back to the couch less winded. So... I've stationed them throughout the house (next to the couch, in the bathroom drawer, next to her bed), which she can use 4 times a day as an assistance/auxiliary...

~ R had bought mom some saline spray when I was here back in January, and she really hasn't been using it - so... we are now on a track of trying to use it a few times a day to flush/irrigate/moisturize her nasal passages (very helpful)...

~ I also *slathered* her legs with Eucerin lotion I bought at Publix - they were so dry, and just soaked up the moisture (and I'll continue to do it daily or as needed)...

~ She is *loving* the Depends, which I had suggested to her the other day and R continued the discussion and then picked them up while I was at Mari's (thanks, R!) - it also lessens anxiety about accidents, etc.

~ I tried calling Dr. E's (her pulmonologist) office to start proceedings for a home hospice analysis, which just means we see what they have to offer but don't necessarily have to start anything right now - it also doesn't necessarily mean 24- or 48-hours, but can extend for months. I stayed up until 4 a.m. reading (thanks, C, for the great books from Legacy Link!) and everything indicates (which we knew) sooner rather than later - they offer so many services/resources and I personally feel it's time. They were out to lunch and, given all the phone calls/mom-attending in the last hour and a half, I wanted to finish this e-mail and then give them a call back - at that point, it sounds as if they will send someone out to determine her needs/status (more peace of mind, right?)...

~ Can't say enough to all (A, M, S and B so far today) about your check-in phone calls - she treasures hearing from you... <3

I am very concerned (as I know we all are) and am attempting to stay calm... but inside I feel helpless and panicked (as I'm sure everyone has been feeling all these many months) - I know our goal is to "make her comfortable", not in a "sounds like the end" way that freaks B out... but in a "making the most of her days" sense...

It's all about intuition, abundance, self-empowerment, honesty, knowledge and, most importantly, love - we're moving forward...

SONG: Lungs by Townes Van Zandt

BOOK: The Official Patient's Sourcebook on Idiopathic Pulmonary Fibrosis by James N. Parker

POEM: That Lives in Us by Rumi

If you put your hands on this oar with me,
they will never harm another, and they will come to find
they hold everything you want.

If you put your hands on this oar with me, they would no longer
lift anything to your
mouth that might wound your precious land -
that sacred earth that is your body.

If you put your soul against this oar with me,
the power that made the universe will enter your sinew
from a source not outside your limbs, but from a holy realm
that lives in us.

Exuberant is existence, time a husk.
When the moment cracks open, ecstasy leaps out and devours
space;
love goes mad with the blessings, like my words give.

Why lay yourself on the torturer's rack of the past and the future?
The mind that tries to shape tomorrow beyond its capacities
will find no rest.

Be kind to yourself, dear - to our innocent follies.
Forget any sounds or touch you knew that did not help you dance.
You will come to see that all evolves us.

QUOTE: "Inhale, and God approaches you. Hold the inhalation, and God remains with you. Exhale, and you approach God. Hold the exhalation, and surrender to God." ~ Krishnamacharya

Hey, Ho (Dave Carter)

Taking my mind off our private war for a while...

SONG: Hey, Ho by Dave Carter

BOOK: Who's Calling the Shots?: How to Respond Effectively to Children's Fascination with War Play, War Toys and Violent TV by Nancy Carlsson-Paige, Diane E. Levin

POEM: Memorial Day by Steve Kowit

Because our sons adore their plastic missile launchers,

electronic space bazookas, neutron death-ray guns,

a decade down the pike it won't prove difficult

to trick them out in combat boots

& camouflage fatigues,

rouse them with a frenzy of parades, the heady

rhetoric of country, camaraderie & God,

the drum & bugle & the sudden

thunder of the cannon as they march

into Hell singing.

Which is the order of things.

Obedient to a fault, the people will do as they are told.

However dispirited by grief at the graves

of their fallen, the mother returns at last to her loom,

the father to his lathe,

& the inconsolable widow home to raise sons

ardent for the next imperial bloodbath;

Ilium. Thermopylae. Verdun. Pork Chop Hill.

QUOTE: "Perform, then, this one act of remembrance before this Day passes - Remember there is an army of defense and advance that never dies and never surrenders, but is increasingly recruited from the eternal sources of the American spirit and from the generations of American youth." ~ W.J. Cameron

Stand By Me (Ben E. King)

I am back at my mother's house north of Atlanta, arriving this past Tuesday and intending to stay for two weeks - she has declined substantially (pulmonary fibrosis) since I was last here in late-January...

Internet has been spotty as well as slow and frankly, I am exhausted - the physical I don't mind as it is a joy to help mom in whatever capacity I'm able (make meals, do chores and just generally be the step-n-fetch-it girl by replenishing her ice water, bringing her items from another room of the house, running errands). The emotional drain is another story - it's hard for one's brain to process the inevitable, even if that's where the path is ultimately leading...

Yesterday was most difficult, as I drove mom to her doctor's appointment and we received some honest answers to some hard questions - mom asked about a lung transplant and there is a cut-off age of 65 (mom will be 79 in September). She also asked how long she had and the doctor honestly told her she seems to be at the beginning of the final stage of her illness - right now everything is designed to keep her comfortable. If mom thinks she feels better from the Prednisone, then the doctor was fine with increasing her dosage - she also gave mom "permission" to turn up the level of her oxygen (which she's on 24/7), but that's a terrifying thought for mom, since it's already at 9 (and 10 is the highest)...

Mom told me she's not afraid of dying... but she does fear not knowing what comes next... and whether or not each struggle for breath will be her last - the doctor assured her that, when the time comes, mom will know and we will call in hospice, where medications will be administered to calm her breathing and ease her anxiety. It was always assumed that, as it got closer, mom would move in with my sister - now I'm thinking I will extend my stay, or leave and come back, in order to ensure she is able to transition from her own house. My brother and sister are coming over Monday for a Memorial Day family gathering... and we will have an in-depth, brainstorming conversation at that time - we are retaining hope... but we are definitely at a crossroads. I just ordered (overnighted) the book I reference below... and will receive it tomorrow - I want to do my homework and be as prepared as I possibly can...

As soon as I finish writing this, I will send out the link in an e-mail to various friends who are holding their own vigil for mom... and for me... and for my family - thanks to all for continued thoughts, prayers and purple candles...

P.S. I am trying to take care of myself along the way as well - went to a seniors aerobics class with one of mom's neighbors this morning... which was equally humbling and inspiring (I want to be Frances, 88, when I grow up... still moving, smiling and living life to the fullest... :-)

P.P.S. Thanks to J for the poem...

SONG: Stand By Me By Ben E. King

BOOK: The Needs of the Dying: A Guide for Bringing Hope, Comfort, and Love to Life's Final Chapter by David Kessler

POEM: Invisible Work by Alison Luterman

Because no one could ever praise me enough,

because I don't mean these poems only

but the unseen

unbelievable effort it takes to live

the life that goes on between them,

I think all the time about invisible work

About the young mother on Welfare

I interviewed years ago,who said, "It's hard.

You bring him to the park,

run rings around yourself keeping him safe,

cut hot dogs into bite-sized pieces for dinner,

and there's no one

to say what a good job you're doing,

how you were patient and loving

for the thousandth time even though you had a headache."

And I, who am used to feeling sorry for myself

because I am lonely,

when all the while,

as the Chippewa poem says, I am being carried

by great winds across the sky,

thought of the invisible work that stitches up the world day and night

the slow, unglamorous work of healing,

the way worms in the garden

tunnel ceaselessly so the earth can breathe

and bees ransack this world into being,

while owls and poets stalk shadows,

our loneliest labors under the moon.

There are mothers

for everything, and the sea

is a mother too

whispering and whispering to us

long after we have stopped listening.

I stopped and let myself lean

a moment, against the blue

shoulder of the air. The work

of my heart

is the work of the world's heart.

There is no other art.

QUOTE(S): "My mother is a poem I'll never be able to write, though everything I write is a poem to my mother." ~ Sharon Doubiago

"A mother understands what a child does not say." ~ Jewish proverb

This Bouquet (Ani DiFranco)

Yesterday was my two-year blogiversary... and I missed it - I'm known for being punctuality-challenged... but I even forgot my own celebration! Just goes to show how much in Overwhelmed Mode I really am - Calgon, take me away... :-)

So... what has happened here in the last year?

We went on an amazing family vacation in early-August, I was laid off mid-October and I was asked to contribute to Star Maker Machine about the same time (which went a long way toward saving my sanity) - I find myself blogging less but enjoying life more. My Word of the Year was Health - I'm not there yet... but each day is a conscious effort to move toward...

My mom's health continues to decline and I'm actually leaving this Tuesday to fly up to the Atlanta area to spend two weeks with her - one of my children (middle child R) moved out... right before another (youngest child E) came home from college for the summer. We had a family dinner last night (we aim for them weekly) and it was a joy - we're hoping all five of us can get away on vacation sometime in the next few months to re-create the Ft. Myers Beach memories of our past...

I cherish my friends: the forever (I'm still recovering from our four-hour lunch yesterday), the fairly-new (bring on the Day Ones!), the geographically-distant ("balloon man lives in it too") and everyone in between - to use a Cruise-ism: you complete me (ha... :-)

Every day continues to be a growth opportunity, as I find my balance, set my boundaries and re-frame my priorities - here's/cheers to another year of music and magic and mayhem, oh my!

SONG: This Bouquet by Ani DiFranco

BOOK: The Best of Inquiring Mind: 25 Years of Dharma, Drama, and Uncommon Insight by Barbara Gates, Wes Nisker (Editors)

POEM: What Have I Learned by Gary Snyder

What have I learned but

the proper use for several tools?

The moments

between hard pleasant tasks

To sit silent, drink wine,

and think my own kind

of dry crusty thoughts.

—the first Calochortus flowers

and in all the land,

it's spring.

I point them out:

the yellow petals, the golden hairs,

to Gen.

Seeing in silence:

never the same twice,

but when you get it right,

you pass it on.

QUOTE: "Work hard to improve your mind and body. Nourish your spirit. Do the things you fear." ~ Robin S. Sharma

Dancing with My Mother (Rachel Bissex)

From today's Writer's Almanac:

Today is Mother's Day. Mother's Day as we know it — where we celebrate our own mothers, with flowers, gifts, and cards — is relatively new, but annual celebrations to celebrate motherhood are an ancient practice.

The motherhood festivities have historically been in spring, the season of fertility. In ancient Egypt, there were celebrations to honor Isis, the loving mother-goddess, who is often shown in Egyptian art with the baby Horus at her breast, much like Mary and Jesus in later Christian iconography. The cult of the great mother-goddess Cybele began in Turkey and soon moved to Greece and Rome, and she was worshipped in some form for more than a thousand years. Her priestesses led wild celebrations, full of drinking, dancing, music, and all kinds of debauchery.

As the Roman Empire and Europe transitioned to Christianity, the Church set aside the fourth Sunday of Lent as a day to honor motherhood. It was a day to celebrate the Virgin Mary, and for people to honor their "mother church."

In the 1600s, England declared an official Mothering Day for that fourth Sunday of Lent. It was a time when families were encouraged to get together, and servants or workers were allowed one day off work to go see their mothers, since many working-class families in England worked as servants on separate estates and rarely got to see each other. Mothering Day was also declared an exception to the fasting and penance of Lent, so that families could have a feast together.

When the pilgrims came to America, they stopped celebrating Mothering Day, just as they stopped celebrating most holidays that they thought had become too secular.

Mother's Day was reintroduced to America in 1870 by Julia Ward Howe, who wanted to set aside a day of protest after the Civil War, in which mothers could come together and protest their sons killing other mothers' sons.

But the woman who really created Mother's Day as we know it was Anna Jarvis. Her mother had held Mother's Friendship Days to reunite families and neighbors separated during the war, and when she died, her daughter, Anna Jarvis, worked to proclaim an official Mother's Day to honor her mother and celebrate peace. And so on May 10, 1908, the first official Mother's Day celebrations took place in Grafton, West Virginia, and at a church in Philadelphia. In 1914, Woodrow Wilson designated the second Sunday of May as Mother's Day.

But Mother's Day became commercialized very quickly, especially in the floral industry, and Anna Jarvis was furious. She said, "What will you do to route charlatans, bandits, pirates, racketeers, kidnappers, and other termites that would undermine with their greed one of the finest, noblest, and truest movements and celebrations?" But flower sales and card sales continued to grow, and Anna Jarvis died in poverty and without any children of her own.

In the last U.S. Census, there were an estimated 82.8 million mothers in this country, and about 96 percent of American consumers spend money for Mother's Day.

It's midnight on Mother's Day... and it has been lovely, albeit exhausting - I actually spent most of the day with Michael McNevin, a singer-songwriter friend who played my concert series yesterday evening... and had a house concert today, which I drove him to/did merch for. Since my husband and daughter were out of town, it worked out okay - they had left me cards this morning... and I came home to a card and flowers from E, my youngest. All three of my children had chipped in to get me a gift certificate for a facial/massage - can't wait to redeem it sometime this week... and we'll do a family celebration in the next few days as well... :-)

Life is good - I have the most amazing children... and I am loved!

Here are my last two Mother's Day posts...

SONG: Dancing with My Mother by Rachel Bissex

BOOK: Undress Your Stress by Lois Levy

POEM: For A Mother-to-Be by John O'Donohue

Nothing could have prepared

Your heart to open like this.

From beyond the skies and the stars

This echo arrived inside you

And started to pulse with life,

Each beat a tiny act of growth,

Traversing all our ancient shapes

On its way home to itself.

Once it began, you were no longer your own.

A new, more courageous you, offering itself

In a new way to a presence you can sense

But you have not seen or known.

It has made you feel alone

In a way you never knew before;

Everyone else sees only from the outside

What you feel and feed

With every fiber of your being.

Never have you traveled farther inward

Where words and thoughts become half-light

Unable to reach the fund of brightness

Strengthening inside the night of your womb.

Like some primeval moon,

Your soul brightens

The tides of essence

That flow to your child.

You know your life has changed forever,

For in all the days and years to come,

Distance will never be able to cut you off

From the one you now carry

For nine months under your heart.

May you be blessed with quiet confidence

That destiny will guide you and mind you.

May the emerging spirit of your child

Imbibe encouragement and joy

From the continuous music of your heart,

So that it can grow with ease,

Expectant of wonder and welcome

When its form is fully filled

And it makes its journey out

To see you and settle at last

Relived, and glad in your arms.

QUOTE: "What a mother sings to the cradle goes all the way to the coffin." ~ Henry Ward Beecher

Smiling (Richard Shindell)

I just got back from visiting with a long-time e-mail friend (in August, it will be 12 years), whom I've only met face-to-face once... and that was 9 years ago - this time around, he was in Miami for about 36 hours for a work-related conference, and we decided to get together for breakfast at his hotel. What used to be a daily correspondence has become spotty the last few years, and I take full responsibility - I don't seem to be doing so well in the time management department lately...

Anyway... it was sweet, exciting and ultimately comfortable, as we caught up on kids, spouses and life in general - we only had a two-hour window of opportunity, which wasn't enough time... but it was...

There's a story here - suffice it to say it has a happy ending (and no one was harmed in the unfolding... :-)

SONG: Smiling by Richard Shindell

BOOK: Kindred Spirits: Relationships That Spark the Soul by Dianne Hicks Morrow

POEM: by Jane Gentry - On a Perfect Day

... I eat an artichoke in front

of the Charles Street Laundromat

and watch the clouds bloom

into white flowers out of

the building across the way.

The bright air moves on my face

like the touch of someone who loves me.

Far overhead a dart-shaped plane softens

through membranes of vacancy. A ship,

riding the bright glissade of the Hudson, slips

past the end of the street. Colette's vagabond

says the sun belongs to the lizard

that warms in its light. I own these moments

when my skin like a drumhead stretches on the frame

of my bones, then swells, a bellows filled

with sacred breath seared by this flame,

this happiness.

QUOTE: "There are three ingredients to the good life: learning, earning, and yearning." ~ Christopher Morley

Que Hago Ahora? (Silvio Rodriguez)

From today's Writer's Almanac:

Today is Cinco de Mayo, which celebrates Mexico's defeat of French invaders at the Battle of Puebla in 1862. Cinco de Mayo has actually become a bigger holiday in the United States than in Mexico, where it is mostly a regional holiday in Puebla. There are large Cinco de Mayo celebrations - with parades, music, and food - in Los Angeles, Denver, Portland, St. Paul, and other cities across the country.

Cinco de Mayo... a.k.a. Day One again... a.k.a. Carpe Diem Uno - how many Day Ones will it take to recalibrate my brain and realign my focus and reprioritize my habits? (oh f*cking my!)...

I've been sliding right back into To Do List mode, and am suffering these days from Exploding Brain Syndrome - I'm behind in my concert series PR, still haven't gotten out this month's folk club newsletter, have to do some major research/legwork for some caregiving services for my ever-worsening mom, have been virtually non-existent to dear M whose mom passed away a few months ago, my friend A just got out of the hospital (open heart surgery) and I've yet to deliver the food I promised, R moved out and E moved back from college and the transition of furniture, etc. is exhausting... and the beat goes on. All of these equally-important but hard-to-keep-up-with responsibilities have thrown me into a panic - I feel woefully inadequate these days and unable to keep up... as a professional, as a daughter, as a friend...

MH called to ask me to walk this morning, which helped tremendously... and we've already planned to do it again tomorrow - I need to get back on the proverbial horse that threw me. If only good intentions translated to daily life - however, the reality is that follow-through is key... and I just have to figure out ways of doing things differently...

In the meantime, I'm trying to operate from a place of love - it's grounding, fueling and ultimately, despite the cliche, all you need...

SONG: Que Hago Ahora? by Silvio Rodriguez (English translation here)

BOOK: Cinco de Mayo: What Is Everybody Celebrating? by Donald W. Miles

POEM: Begin by Rumi

This is now. Now is,

all there is. Don't wait for Then;

strike the spark, light the fire.

Sit at the Beloved's table,

feast with gusto, drink your fill

then dance

the way branches

of jasmine and cypress

dance in a spring wind.

The green earth

is your cloth;

tailor your robe

with dignity and grace.

QUOTE: "Every beginning is a consequence - every beginning ends some thing." ~ Paul Valery