Upside Down (Jack Johnson)

"Why is it that when something bad happens, it feels terrible? I have been so conditioned to strive for success that when something goes wrong I feel terrible and I feel like a failure. But usually in time, after I get over myself, that failure turns into a valuable lesson. Of course to get to this point it normally takes time and perspective to see it as the lesson it is instead of the failure that it feels like. I truly believe that if I could remember this at the time I could get to the lesson sooner instead of dwelling on the failure and spend more of my time in joy. At these times this lesson serves me well, there is no such thing as failure, only feedback. My failure is only a failure if I fail to see the feedback, to take the lesson and apply it so that it is only a step on the way to eventual success, even if that success looks very different than what my original vision might have been. Funny how limited my vision can be without the valuable feedback I need to see my success a different way."  Thanks to Sheryl Cattell (a UU-church friend as well as music buddy), Personal Legend Coaching, LLC

I've had this prepared, with every intention (see what I did there!) of uploading it January 1, 2021... but, due to circumstances discussed in a previous post, I had a bit of a delay... 😲

In her December 28, 2007 blog, Resolution Revolution: A Better Way to Start Your Year, Christine Kane writes (click the link for the full article):  Several years ago, my friend Kathy and I decided that, instead of making resolutions, we would pick a word that would guide us throughout the year. It would be our touchstone. It would remind us of living our lives at the BE level.

I have been choosing a Word of the Year since January 2008, to challenge/motivate/inspire me. In retrospect, some of my previous words/phrases have been Release, Create, Let It Go, Health, Light, Follow-Through, Contentment (wish I could remember them all, which I posted on Facebook when my blog was on hiatus, and now they are lost in cyberspace).  Oh well... [insert shrugging woman emoji here]

We all know 2020 was a sh*t show… and I confess it’s been a test of time management, focus/concentration and interpersonal relationships.  I want to put those twelve months behind me… as a cautionary tale, a growth opportunity, and a rearview mirror experience (while still recognizing the desire to do things differently should the same opportunity present itself again).  2021:  Time to move FORWARD, in all its many definitions:

~ in the direction that one is facing or traveling; toward the front.

~ into a position of prominence or notice.

~ toward the future; ahead in time.

~ moving or tending onward to a successful conclusion.

~ developing or acting earlier than expected or required; advanced or precocious.

~ (of a person) bold or familiar in manner, especially in a presumptuous way.

~ help to advance (something); promote.

I have appreciated the patience and understanding of loved ones in my life as I navigate(d) my way through some rough patches and, since I always want to view everything as a life lesson, I feel I have learned much, despite these crazy pandemic times... and still have much *to* learn.  Forward indeed... 💖

Happy New Year! (albeit a week or so late... 😍 )

SONG:  Upside Down by Jack Johnson [During my renewed walking routine since mid-October, this song kept popping up on my Pandora.  I always scoffed at Jack Johnson's tunes, thinking them fluffy and superficial (I mean, seriously... Banana Pancakes?!?).  Somehow this one got through, it makes me smile every time I hear it... and, although it already speaks to me, I want my life in general to be (more) like this.  Impossible, of course, but a [wo]man's reach should exceed her grasp, right?... 💗 ]

BOOK:  LifeForward: Charting the Journey Ahead by Pamela D. McLean

POEM:  Two Bodies by Octavio Paz

Two bodies face to face

Are at times two waves 

And the night is an ocean.

Two bodies face to face

Are sometimes two stones

And the night a desert.

Two bodies face to face 

Are at times two roots

Intertwined in the night.

Two bodies face to face

Are sometimes two stilettos

And night lightening sparks.

Two bodies face to face

Are two stars who are falling

In a naked sky.

QUOTE:  "Because we're doing the best we can, we really are. We're trying to be grown-up and love each other and understand how the hell you're supposed to insert USB leads. We're looking for something to cling on to, something to fight for, something to look forward to. We're doing all we can to teach our children how to swim. We have all of this in common, yet most of us remain strangers, we never know what we do to each other, how your life is affected by mine.

Perhaps we hurried past each other in a crowd today, and neither of us noticed, and the fibers of your coat brushed against mine for single moment and then we were gone. I don't know who you are.

But when you get home this evening, when this day is over and the night takes us, allow yourself a deep breath. Because we made it through this day as well.

There'll be another one along tomorrow." ~ Fredrik Backman, from his novel Anxious People

Merry Something to You (Devo)

Checking in a few days after the holiday to share that we had a lovely get-together at Sarah's on Christmas Day!  One of my favorite family traditions is that we limit our gifts for each other to $25 and, even with a cap, everyone chooses such thoughtful presents.  Something new in the last handful of years is that our three adult children take the time to write heartfelt and inspirational greetings in their cards to us and each other which, we all know, is the best gift of all.  I wept (as I always do) at their words of joy, hope, love, and gratitude.

We are leisurely with opening presents, one at a time, so we can appreciate what everyone is receiving.  About halfway through, Colin started having a meltdown, perfectly understandable as he'd had a looooong day, with a very short nap.  In an attempt to help, Eric said, "I love you, Colin!", and C replied:  "no love me!", and we all cracked up at his two-year-old reaction.  Sarah immediately suggested we still-pause the gift exchange and go outside for a while so he could run around and release some energy, which was totally effective (she's such a good and intuitive mom... 💗 )

Adorable and typical (as any parent can tell you) is that Sarah gave Colin five Santa presents, and attached to each was a Dollar Tree plastic animal (he loves animals of all kinds):  zebra, elephant, giraffe, hippo, and tiger... and of course that was all he wanted to play with the entire day (not the actual presents... :-)

Because we were inside, albeit masked, socially-distanced, and doors and windows open, we ordered Chinese food for dinner; dessert was a ginormous box of Russell Stover chocolates from the two girls' soccer teams that Chico coaches (along with a generous gift card).

Running jokes throughout the course of the day, sure to elicit a smile/guffaw for months to come:  "I got a robe" (Rob shared the hilarious SNL skit with me last week!) and "Colin's fake hot dog has gone MIA".

Yesterday a friend and I were having a text discussion re: Post-Holiday Blahs/Blues/Winter Doldrums, and I followed up with this e-mail:

"I've got 'em too, but not nearly as bad as I thought I would.  For one thing, the only holiday "trappings" I brought out were the front-door wreath and the doormat, and those can easily be tucked away again on the Monday after New Year's (or even the Wednesday as, when we lived in Puerto Rico, Christmas wasn't *really* over until January 6, The Epiphany).

I have let so many things go this season, when the former me might have had a few more meltdowns along the way.   Both Sarah's *and* Rob's presents to me were slowed down in the mail system (as was my friend Judi's!), and my new Delayed Gratification/F*ck It self just thinks, "well, I will enjoy them when they *do* arrive!".  My mantra these days seems to be "Who am I and what have I done with Susan?!?"  I am trying so hard to be Kinder, Gentler, Softer, More Patient, More Forgiving, More Understanding, More Aware... <3

I am also working very hard on my communication skills, with family as well as friends.  Attempting to "say what I mean, mean what I say, and do what I say I'm going to do"... which I learned in a parenting seminar when Sarah was in middle school (25 years ago).  Hey, if the foo sh*ts, right?

Had a great talk with L last week, and we discussed that, during this challenging time, we are both going to focus on meaning and purpose in the New Year.  I greatly miss having a true sense of both.

So, yeah... I have the blues/blahs/mullygrubs but I seem, so far, to have shaken off the need to wallow.  I do possess:  family (however flawed, as am I... except for Colin, who is perfect!), books (so many books!), music (beautiful songs!), friends (so very dear), healthy food choices, a dependable body that allows me to take it out for hour-long walks (almost) every day, boundless sunshine, hot cocoa and Kahlua (just a splash!), FakeUggs, comforting and colorful scarves, enough earrings to sink a battleship, intelligence, kindness, humor, integrity, gratitude, an appropriate balance of joy and sorrow.  And just like that... counting my blessings has moved my blues, if not off the table completely, at least to a back burner (mixed metaphor, anyone?... :-)

I am going to hit Send before this turns into War and Peace.  Whoops, too late!"

And... Nothing Says Christmas like Parlour Vegan's Non-Binary Gingerbread Person... 💖

NR:  Between the World and Me by by Ta-Nehisi Coates

SONG:  Merry Something to You by Devo

BOOK:  December Holidays from around the World by Baby Professor

POEM:  December 26 by Kenn Nesbitt

A BB gun.

A model plane.

A basketball.

A ’lectric train.

A bicycle.

A cowboy hat.

A comic book.

A baseball bat.

A deck of cards.

A science kit.

A racing car.

A catcher’s mitt.

So that’s my list

of everything

that Santa Claus

forgot to bring.

 

QUOTE:  “Have you ever held a three-year-old by the hand on the way home from preschool?” “No.” “You’re never more important than you are then.” ~ Fredrik Bachman, Anxious People

Head Full of Doubt/Road Full of Promise (The Avett Brothers)

An interesting week, to put it mildly.  I was experiencing my own turmoil in various aspects of my life so, as well as turning inward to find the growth opportunity, I had some great conversations with a few dear friends and family members.  These days I find myself very scattered, unfocused, disorganized... which meant that the agenda items I was attempting to accomplish ended up with multiple mistakes, meaning that I spent more time correcting than I did accomplishing.  Yikes.

Also, over the last week, Sarah has been working with Colin on his listening skills, especially walking through their apartment complex, making sure he knows that the command of "red light" means STOP... immediately!  She is also teaching him about looking left-then-right-then-left-again, then holding her hand at a busy intersection before crossing, even in the parking lot.

I of course had an epiphany that I should use that as my life-metaphor for a while; rather than rushing headlong into potential problems, I would internally look left-then-right-then-left-again, especially where emotions are concerned.  What's the hurry?  Look how much time we have available to ourselves these days.  Use it as a commodity, and not a catastrophe.  Slow the f*ck down, Susan.  Better to delay my response than to say or do something I'd eventually need to back-pedal or retract.  I had a few occasions today in which to do just that, and the outcome was better than hoped for.  Colin became the Master and I the Grasshopper.  "The teacher appears when the lesson is ready to be learned", right?

I've also recalibrated a few other things in my life, beginning with TV.  I do love movies and series, but I've lately been using them to numb out, rather than escape.  Plus, every minute I spend in front of a screen, I am taking away from my primary love:  reading.  Vowed to turn that around and, over the course of the last few days, I am much calmer and more "here".

My sleep patterns have been really off too, because I am waking up earlier, eager to face the day (with a book), but then there's just so much of it (ha!).  My new end-of-evening routine, also instead of TV, is to turn the lights down low, stretch out on the guest room couch with Pandora, headphones (my new best friend!), and The Avett Brothers station (which has included James Taylor, Neil Young, The Rolling Stones, Coldplay, The Beatles, for about an hour (the Dar Williams station is great too).  I can then segue very easily into sleep in my own bed... hopefully by midnight.  Aaahhh!

What are some effective coping mechanisms for you?  How are you getting out of your own way (and head) to take better care of yourself, without falling down the rabbithole?

Of course, the news is full of gloom and doom, panic and pandemonium, chaos and crisis.  This essay by Mark Morford (my favorite SFGate-columnist-turned-yoga-instructor) popped up in my e-mail yesterday.  Perfect timing!

How to avoid the temptation to drown in fatalism? Learn to swim. You know, spiritually speaking.

You don’t have to ‘look on the bright side’ or ‘focus on the positive.' This is a myth, and often feels forced and childish, in denial of events and issues deeply in need of your passionate attention.

Just stop obsessing on the dark and the bleak. Stop fetishizing doom. Step back from the addictive abyss of incessant dread, and find some stillness.

Note that this does not give you license to numb out and refuse to read any media, engage in any essential discussions, form any opinions whatsoever because you deem yourself too precious and "sensitive." That's merely avoidance, vain self-importance disguised as humility. It''s also bullshit, just your ego being passive-aggressive with the gods. Your rejection of reality, of the harrowing vagaries and difficult beauties of the human condition, is of no service to anyone, particularly yourself.

It is also, of course, unwise to try and take it all on, to try and make sense of everything that's happening, slot it all into reasonable boxes of legitimacy. This way madness lies, along with a crushed spirit. It's also impossible. The gods wish to remind you: The karma of the world is not yours to solve. You gotta learn to navigate.

Here is the most difficult thing you can do, and also the simplest: Get strong and clear and calm – get your manic thoughts and doomsday-obsessed emotions out of the way of your innate divine intelligence – and then watch what emerges, spontaneously, from the innermost heart, your truest Self.

Hint: It ain’t gonna be cruelty. It ain’t gonna be violence. It ain’t gonna be MAGA or guns or racism. Nor, conversely, will it be all-day rainbow bunnies and perky 'it's all good' nonsense.

Sit. Fucking. Still. Get real.

It might not be comfortable. It won’t at all be easy. But it will look shockingly like love.

NR:  Beartown by Fredrik Backman (excellent novel by the author of A Man Called Ove... 💖 )

 

SONG:  Head Full of Doubt/Road Full of Promise by The Avett Brothers

BOOK:  Life Is in the Transitions:  Mastering Change at Any Age by Bruce Feiler  (thanks to AmyB for the heads-up!) 

POEM(S):  it will all be messy for a little while longer by Maya Stein

“I feel a little rough around the edges,” I say to a friend on a video chat, because this is

how it is now. And she replies, “We all are,” though from where I’m standing she looks

beautiful, glowing, a midday California sun arrowing photogenically on her cheekbones,

so I tell her so. She says, “I like you in that blue hat” and “It’s so good to see your face,”

and I think about how much faster we’ve gotten with telling the truth. I hit “record”

again, say something about the latest harvest from our garden, about my mother’s

upcoming visit, and she says something about the date she’ll go on after her

appointment with the therapist. It will all be messy for a little while longer, but we don’t

say any of that. Instead, I pan the camera to a body of water and she says, “Where is

Scott Street?” and we say “I love you” and “Talk soon,” because this is how it is now, too.

We Did Not Ask For This Room by Stephen King

We did not ask for this room,

       or this music;

       we were invited in.

Therefore,

because the dark surrounds us,

       let us turn our faces toward the light.

Let us endure hardship

       to be grateful for plenty.

We have been given pain

       to be astounded by joy.

We have been given life

       to deny death.

We did not ask for this room,

       or this music.

But because we are here,

       let us dance.

QUOTE:  "People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within.” ~ Elisabeth Kübler-Ross