This was *almost* my Eulogy for Eric; what was I thinking?!? But, as soon as I decided not, I knew it would be a blog post... 🤷
Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Grieving But Were Afraid to Ask (some of you who remember the Sex book will understand my title - ha!):
~ People grieve differently; I have learned that my grief reflex is Snappishness. So many S words: shutting down, stoicism, need for solitude, spiraling. Be patient with each other. It's unknown territory.
~ The Five Stages of Grief are non-linear; in fact, I have cycled through four of them since I woke up this morning... 😢
~ Don't make decisions in the first 24-48 hours (instead, respond "Not Now"... "Let me get back to you"... "I need to think about that").
~ The flip side: don't *ask* grieving people to make decisions in the first 24-48 hours. We don't even know what day it is!
~ We are beyond grateful for the outpouring of love and support, knowing that every text, phone call, e-mail, etc. is well-intentioned and well-meaning. Rev. Amy also taught me that we don't have to apologize for what we're doing or not doing; we can phrase it such that "thanks for understanding my need for space and time right now" (I know a lot of you have heard that from me the last three+ weeks... ❤)
~ We have learned that so many people say: "What can we do?" or "What do you need?" and, not having experienced this tragedy before... we honestly don't *know* what we need. I will say that receiving a text alerting you there are three grocery bags of your favorite Trader Joe's products at your doorstep is pretty d*mn perfect... as are friends whose vegan chili is better than my own... and an assortment of Yogi herbal Stress Relief/Calm/Sleep teas (which Chico and I are keeping in a large bowl on the kitchen island, to be brewed up as needed, day or night)... an offer to only listen, with an occasional mmm-hmm, while I scream the F-word for an hour... a long heartfelt handwritten letter... a checking-in text every few days with no expectation of a response... and the number of condolence/sympathy cards that have begun filling our mailbox to overflowing. Don't wait to hear back from those grieving. Follow your instinct. To quote Yoda: "Do…or do not. There is no try."
~ We have learned that Brain Fog is real, as the body treats grief as if it were trauma.
~ We have learned that my husband's laugh and his cry sound the same; Joni was right: "laughing and crying, you know it's the same release."
~ "Space and Grace", as my sister Mari quoted. What a loving as well as lovely concept.
I hope this doesn't come across like a tutorial but honestly, I am only *just* at the point where I can begin to talk about my son but, on other days, the thought of him makes my heart literally ache.
What I mainly want to say is that this has been a growth opportunity for *me*, in learning how to not only *receive* grief... but to serve/react/respond to grief, when it happens to one of my family members or friends in the future. And it will.
BOOK: Being There for Someone in Grief - Essential Lessons for Supporting Someone Grieving from Death, Loss and Trauma by Marianna Cacciatore, Wayne Muller (Foreword)
POEM: I’m Sorry For Your Loss by Donna Ashworth
When I say sorry for your loss
it may sound perfunctory
trite even
but what I mean is
I am sorry
that you wake in the night
gasping for breath
heart racing in agony.
I am sorry
that you will know a lifetime
of what-ifs and
could-have-beens.
I am sorry
that you ache
for one more minute with your love
knowing that it can never be.
When I say sorry for your loss
please know
my soul is reaching out to yours
in understanding
and trying very hard
to take away
just one little ounce of your pain.
QUOTE(S): "Grief is a no-judgment zone. Grief is unique to each person. No one person grieves like another. So often people don’t understand grief. They tell us to move on or to get over it. We even judge our own grief. When you’re in grief, you’re not broken. Grief is a reflection of love." ~ David Kessler
“The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.” ~ Dr. Elisabeth Kubler Ross
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