Anthem (Leonard Cohen)

So... after five days of relationship musings, discussions of crashed hard drives should be the proverbial piece of cake (not wedding), eh? - when last we left our She-ra, I was waiting for my tech guy, who came Saturday morning a week ago, attempted to run CheckDisk with minimal results and then took my tower with him. He installed a replacement this past Tuesday, but he's not been able to recover any data (although he's still trying) - sadly enough, I had never backed up, so I take full responsibility...

A few major things I had been able to recreate or had sent as attachments in the last month so they were retrievable - most everything else was not only irreplaceable but sentimentally dear. At this point, I'm attempting to focus on the bright side of clean slate/starting over - my e-mail is okay, albeit almost 600 messages at this point, since I've not had the time/inclination/energy to deal.

This weekend has been critical in moving forward - I'm also attempting to set up an organizational filing system right off the bat so I'll know where to find things immediately. I obviously have a back-up drive now too - god, what a hard lesson learned.

Panic, breathe, relate, relax, release - it is what it is (oooooommmmmm)...

My book club (more in a future post) was here this past Thursday to discuss Eat Pray Love - it was an amazing evening of soul-searching, sharing and spirit. We all felt really... open (in a good way, Martha)... and I was fascinated by the different insights and preferences - Elizabeth Gilbert certainly speaks to many hearts in various ways. J sent me this link a few days ago - make sure to peruse all three pages!

I read today's poem aloud to our group (obviously because it reminded me of the second third of the book) - wanting judgment sadness indeed...

SONG: Anthem by Leonard Cohen

BOOK: Mindfulness in Plain English by Bhante H. Gunaratana

POEM: Buddha's Dogs by Susan Browne

I'm at a day-long meditation retreat, eight hours of watching

my mind with my mind,

and I already fell asleep twice and nearly fell out of my chair,

and it's not even noon yet.

In the morning session, I learned to count my thoughts, ten in

one minute, and the longest

was to leave and go to San Anselmo and shop, then find an outdoor cafe and order a glass

of Sancerre, smoked trout with roasted potatoes and baby

carrots and a bowl of gazpacho.

But I stayed and learned to name my thoughts, so far they are:

wanting, wanting, wanting,

wanting, wanting, wanting, wanting, wanting, judgment,

sadness. Don't identify with your

thoughts, the teacher says, you are not your personality, not your

ego-identification,

then he bangs the gong for lunch. Whoever, whatever I am is

given instruction

in the walking meditation and the eating meditation and walks

outside with the other

meditators, and we wobble across the lake like The Night of the
Living Dead.

I meditate slowly, falling over a few times because I kept my

foot in the air too long,

towards a bench, sit slowly down, and slowly eat my sandwich,

noticing the bread,

(sourdough), noticing the taste, (tuna, sourdough), noticing

the smell, (sourdough, tuna),

thanking the sourdough, the tuna, the ocean, the boat, the

fisherman, the field, the grain,

the farmer, the Saran Wrap that kept this food fresh for this

body made of food and desire

and the hope of getting through the rest of this day without

dying of boredom.

Sun then cloud then sun. I notice a maple leaf on my sandwich.

It seems awfully large.

Slowly brushing it away, I feel so sad I can hardly stand it, so I

name my thoughts; they are:

sadness about my mother, judgment about my father, wanting

the child I never had.

I notice I've been chasing the same thoughts like dogs around

the same park most of my life,

notice the leaf tumbling gold to the grass. The gong sounds,

and back in the hall.

I decide to try lying down meditation, and let myself sleep. The

Buddha in my dream is me,

surrounded by dogs wagging their tails, licking my hands.

I wake up

for the forgiveness meditation, the teacher saying, never put

anyone out of your heart,

and the heart opens and knows it won't last and will have to

open again and again,
chasing those dogs around and around in the sun then cloud

then sun.

QUOTE: "Meditation is acceptance. It is the acceptance of life within us, without us and all around us. Acceptance of life is the beginning of human satisfaction. Transformation of life is the culmination of divine satisfaction. " ~ Sri Chinmoy