Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Chocolate Jesus (Tom Waits)

My friend J, who works for Dave Barry, sent this in my direction a few weeks ago - Dave also posted it to his blog. Okay, well - let's just say some people manage to do what others of us only dream (just kidding... kinda... :-)

Caught On Tape: Woman Goes On Fudge Frenzy
Midnight Burglary Caught On 4 Cameras
POSTED: 11:52 am EDT August 6, 2007

ANNAPOLIS, Md. -- A Maryland woman with an apparent craving for chocolate went on a fudge rampage, and it was all caught on tape.

A sign said, "free samples." But authorities said the woman from Greenbelt, Md., took it to the extreme while the store was closed. "She ended up just ripping them off. This end of the counter got ... broke away," said Bob Lawinger of Uncle Bob's Fudge Kitchen. "And then she saw the Rocky Road and it was all over."

The midnight burglary was caught on four cameras as the woman went from cookies to fudge. She fell down a couple of times, but got back up to fill bags, plastic bins and her pockets.
Lawinger said the theft was worth several hundred dollars. He said it could also cost a thousands more to fix the display cases. Authorities said her getaway bag broke by the time she made it to the top of the street and the lobby of the historic Maryland Inn.

Police said she told a clerk that she was assaulted and needed a place to stay. The hotel called police. "The officers just happened to notice that she had some large pieces of chocolate fudge in her pockets," said Annapolis police Officer Hal Dalton. "I mean, she had so much, ... it was actually spilling out of her pockets. When she moved, some of it would fall out. Her shirt was all stained with fresh fudge."

The woman, Catherine Anne Delgado, 35, asked to use the rest room during her interview at the hotel, police said. Authorities said she tried to flush a large amount of fudge down the toilet, so much so that it clogged the toilet. Police said they arrested her and charged her with burglary.

SONG: Chocolate Jesus by Tom Waits

Chocolat by Joanne Harris

POEM: The Dirt Eaters by Virgil Suárez

Whenever we grew tired and bored of curb ball,
of encircling the scorpions we found under rocks
by the mother-in-law tongue within a fiery circle
of kerosene and watching as they stung themselves
to death, we ate dirt; soft, grainy, pretend chocolate
dirt, in our fantasies sent to us by distant relatives
in El Norte. Fango. We stood in a circle, wet the dirt
under our bare feet, worked with our fingers to crumble
the clogs with our nails, removed the undesired twigs,
pebbles, and beetles. Dirt—how delicious. How filling.
We ate our share of it back then. Beto, the youngest,
warned us not to eat too much; it could make us sick,
vomit, give us the shits, or even worse, worms.
We laughed. We ridiculed him. We chanted
after him:
"¡Lo que no mata, engorda!
¡Lo que no mata, engorda!"
What doesn’t kill you makes you fat, and stronger.

QUOTE: “Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, champagne in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO HOO what a ride!”

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