[Five] Little Birds (with apologies to Bob Marley)

"I'm gonna blow this damn candle out I don't want nobody coming over to my table I've got nothing to talk to anybody about All good dreamers pass this way some day... Only a phase, these dark cafe days..." ~ Joni Mitchell, The Last Time I Saw Richard

First of all, I am/we are beyond thankful for the outpouring of love, support, compassion, empathy as well as sympathy, thoughts, prayers, purple candle intentions, etc. It does indeed take a Village, a Community, a Circle o' Wagons. Like Facebook birthdays, I sincerely want to acknowledge every comment/e-mail/text/phone call, etc., but all I can garner energy for right now is clicking the ubiquitous Heart emoji in gratitude, in hopes of a more personal response in the future:

"i carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart)i am never without it(anywhere i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done by only me is your doing,my darling)" ~ e. e. cummings

I also appreciate so many of you mentioning Eric's girlfriend Duyen (who is not on Facebook) in your condolences and who, after graduating from UM's medical school, is doing her residency at Grady Hospital; they had (jesus, it's so hard getting used to the past tense) been dating for a little over two years, and he was saving up for a ring. We all absolutely love her, and she is so much a part of our family; Duyen has been amazing throughout this ordeal (identifying E's body, calling his bosses, following up with insurance info and other things we need, etc.). She is now in Orlando with her parents through the weekend.

Today was the hardest day, as I woke up at 6 a.m. in full-on bawling/wracking sobs mode. Denial is segueing to anger, but I was reminded that The Five Stages of Grief are non-linear. I cannot begin to imagine Acceptance. Chico, Sarah, Rob, and I have also learned that we grieve differently, and we've had to be more direct and honest with each other, explaining ourselves at times, rather than assuming the others will understand our snappishness, shutting down, stoicism, need for solitude. Unlike Jimmy Buffett's sponge cake, I've been nibbling on oatmeal, ramen soup, and Tylenol (no Xanax yet, although we do have a prescription to fill, just in case), sipping herbal tea and gulping water (crying is dehydrating). Also grateful for the offers/deliveries of food although, despite our overly-full pantry/fridge/freezer, the last thing I want to do now is eat... but I know I have to keep up my strength.

"This heart stops for railway crosses, Train wrecks with too many losses, Broken dreams left dyin' on the rail..." ~ Katy Moffatt

It is a fine line between grief and practicality, and today we needed to make some painful phone calls: the police officer who filed the accident report that night... the Medical Examiner's office as to the procedure for recovering E's body... the towing company re: his car. Still on the list: arrange for Chico and I to drive up to Atlanta first of next week... find a funeral home ASAP to cremate E's body so we can bring his ashes back with us (did you know the ME's office will hold a body for 30 days max?)... go to their apartment to sort through his possessions, although the only thing we even anticipate bringing back is a photo album I made for him maybe 10 years ago because he complained there were no baby/childhood pictures of him, and I had to explain that, by the time the third kid rolls around, who has time to take pictures (remember, this was pre-cell phones), much less arrange them in scrapbooks, right?

I also created a WhatsApp page for Chico, Sarah, Rob, Duyen, and myself... appropriately titled Five Little Birds (with apologies to Bob Marley) because 1) Eric loved reggae music and 2) Duyen had birds, and he had finally made peace with them in the apartment (and they with him... 🦜🦜)

I am working on a Celebration of Life which will serve as a funeral for those in the Christian faith (as we are not religious but we are spiritual), hopefully at the end of October. As soon as I am able to make specific arrangements on the Who/When/Where, I promise to release the information and will ask you to share.

I am also researching organizations that E would approve of for donations in his name rather than flowers (such a waste of money) or cash for us, to help defray expenses (with the remainder to go to an organization TBD). Pay it forward, right? I think I have found something perfect, and I will spend tomorrow morning vetting it. Details to follow for dissemination near and dear, far and wide.

"Ob-la-di, ob-la-da Life goes on, brah La-la, how the life goes on..." ~ The Beatles (duh!)

SONG: [Five] Little Birds (with apologies to Bob Marley)

BOOK: The 5 Stages of Grief: A Comprehensive and Insightful Guide to The Grief and Loss Process and Dealing With It by Behnay Books 

POEM: Meeting Your Death by Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer Because there are no clear instructions, I follow what rises up in me to do. I fall deeper into love with you. I look at old pictures. I don’t look at old pictures. I talk about you. I say nothing. I walk. I sit. I lie in the grass and let the earth hold me. I lie on the sidewalk, dissolve into sky. I cry. I don’t cry. I ask the world to help me stay open. I ask again, please, let me feel it all. I fall deeper in love with the people still living. I fall deeper in love with the world that is left— this world with its spring and its war and its mornings, this world with its fruits that ripen and rot and reseed, this world that insists we keep our eyes wide, this world that opens when our eyes are closed. Because there are no clear instructions, I learn to turn toward the love that is here, though sometimes what is here is what’s not. There are infinite ways to do this right. That is the only way. 

QUOTE: “We write to heighten our own awareness of life. We write to lure and enchant and console others. We write to serenade our lovers. We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospection. We write, like Proust, to render all of it eternal, and to persuade ourselves that it is eternal. We write to be able to transcend our life, to reach beyond it. We write to teach ourselves to speak with others, to record the journey into the labyrinth. We write to expand our world when we feel strangled, or constricted, or lonely... When I don’t write, I feel my world shrinking. I feel I am in prison. I feel I lose my fire and my color. It should be a necessity, as the sea needs to heave, and I call it breathing.” ~ Anais Nin