Roadfood (Cosy Sheridan)

Illustration by Julia Dufossé

I read this in the NYT Morning (formerly The Daily Briefing) week before last, and had to share!  It speaks for itself... 😍

I Recommend Eating Chips By Sam Anderson

Jan. 13, 2021

Oh, hello, nice to see you, have a seat — let’s stress-eat some chips together. Let’s turn ourselves, briefly, into dusty-​fingered junk-food receptacles. This will force us to stop looking, for a few minutes, at the bramble of tabs we’ve had open on our internet browsers for all these awful months: the articles we’ve been too frazzled to read about the TV shows we’ve been meaning to watch; the useless products we keep almost impulse-​buying; the sports highlights and classic films that we digest in 12-second bursts every four days; that little cartoon diagram of how to best lay out your fruit orchards in Animal Crossing. Eating these chips will rescue us, above all, from the very worst things on our screens, the cursed news of the outside world — escalating numbers, civic decay, gangs of elderly men behaving like children.

Please, sit down. I’ve got a whole bag of Cool Ranch Doritos here: electric blue, plump as a winter seed, bursting with imminent joy. I found it up in the cupboard over the fridge, where by some miracle my family had yet to discover it — it had slipped sideways behind the protein powder, back near the leftover Halloween candy — so now I’m sitting here all alone at the kitchen counter, about to sail off into the salty seas of decadent gluttony. The next few minutes of my life, at least, are going to be great.

Join me. Grab whatever you’ve got. Open the bag. Pinch it on its crinkly edges and pull apart the seams. Now we’re in business: We have broken the seal. The inside of the bag is silver and shining, a marvel of engineering — strong and flexible and reflective, like an astronaut suit. Lean in, inhale that unmistakable bouquet: toasted corn, dopamine, America, grief! We are the first humans to see these chips since they left the factory who knows when. They have been waiting for us, embalmed in preservatives, like a pharaoh in his dark tomb. These chips might have even been produced in the former world, in the time before the plague, when people gathered in sports stadiums, filled concert halls, touched one another’s faces, high-fived, passed around bottles and joints and phones and cash. But now they have been born into this world, into our doomed timeline, and they have absolutely no idea.

That is the great virtue of chips: They are here for us to eat them. So that is what we will do. I will put the first chip, now, into my mouth. I will set it delicately on my tongue like a communion wafer. Instantly, the flavor snaps against my taste buds — that earthy, cheesy tang — flashing like a firecracker, lighting up the whole wet cave of my mouth and radiating out, further, to fill my whole head, my whole being. These chemicals are transcendent, Proustian, as powerful as any drug: They trigger nodes of memory that stretch back years, decades, back to old Super Bowls and family reunions, back to the outside world that I am trying to forget. Another chip. Another chip.

What is the comfort of junk food? Why do we experience these very empty calories with such passionate sensual absorption? It is a question that predates the pandemic, of course, and probably has a prosaic answer — some proprietary formula hidden under fluorescent lights in a flavor laboratory in New Jersey. But even minor questions take on outsize importance these days. A pandemic, it turns out, produces a curious paradox: It not only creates a shrieking worldwide drama of existential dread — it also puts relentless pressure on the most mundane aspects of our everyday lives. For nearly a year now, many of us have been locked in a controlled environment, a closed lab of selfhood: the Quarantine Institute of Applied Subjectivity. Our homes have become biodomes designed to study the fragile ecosystems of Us. All our neuroses and addictions and habits are under the microscope. Willpower, productivity, resilience, despair. We have turned into scientists of ourselves. And so I watch myself eating chips.

The chips don’t have to be chips, of course; they could be anything you binge in order to self-soothe. Maybe you do jigsaw puzzles instead of answering work email. Maybe you trade options all day on Robinhood. Maybe you walk counterclockwise around your home, over and over, tightening all the screws on every fixture. Maybe you read Twitter.

For me, a bag of chips is a way to defeat time. It brings temporary infinity: a feeling that it will never end. A chip. A chip. A chip. Another chip. The chips come like ocean waves, like human breaths, serial but unique, each part of a huge eternal rhythm but also its own precious discovery.

I hate to say this, to risk breaking the spell, but I have just noticed that my arm is reaching deeper and deeper into the Doritos bag. What used to be just my fingertips turned into my whole wrist, and now, although it seems as if it’s been only five seconds, my whole forearm is disappearing into the bag. It appears that I have eaten one half of an entire bag of chips. Three-quarters, if we are being honest. Well, seven-eighths. The remaining chips are very small, just fragments, resplendent with flavor dust. I believe we have reached the point, in fact, where it would be shameful to leave only what’s left. So we keep going. We must keep going. A chip. A chip. A chip. Keep going. A chip. If we stop, it will end, but if we keep going, it might last forever.

Sam Anderson is a staff writer for The Times Magazine.

A version of this article appears in print on Jan. 17, 2021, Page 18 of the Sunday Magazine with the headline: Eating Chips

NR:  The Story of a Million Years by David Huddle

SONG:  Roadfood by Cosy Sheridan

BOOK:  Crunch!: A History of the Great American Potato Chip by Dirk Burhans

POEM:  Hope by Trevor Hewett

Two of them, sharing a green park bench,

their heads bent, talking and eating chips;

one gorging, one pecking like a small bird

and dabbing her lips

with a tissue. One, seventy, glasses, white hair,

and one, in a Blackburn shirt, is eight:

the future talking to the past

about love and hate

and discussing, earnestly, right and wrong

and setting themselves the occasional poser,

like a couple of Oxbridge philosophy dons

debating Spinoza.

This is hope: one recalling how things might have been,

and one seeing how they could be -

both of them seeing what still might be sought

and neither seeing why not.

QUOTE:  "A lot of my snacks are healthy. I love things like hummus, carrots, and celery, but I will never give up potato chips." ~ Holly Marie Combs

(Everybody's Waitin' for) The Man with a Plan (Laura Benanti and Randy Rainbow)

What a great day!  Wept through much of it, smiled through most of it, laughed at a few parts, drank mimosas as Joe was reciting the Oath.  Such a beautiful, gracious, kind transfer of power.  Lady Gaga!  Amanda Gorman! (22-year-old Youth Poet Laureate, who I blogged about back in June 2020; her use of assonance and alliteration was remarkably powerful, in counterpoint to her youthful appearance and sweet speech impediment), Jill Biden's coat!

Both Biden's and Harris' families are absolutely beautiful.  Everyone in the crowd was wearing masks, just the first of 100-days-urged.  Even *I* sang along to Amazing Grace, as Garth Brooks invited.  So many executive orders signed.  And I am actually watching the news again! First press briefing of the new administration (after a year of *none*!): informational, coherent, personable, non-defensive. Monday through Friday. Imagine that! 

Rachel Maddow says that the vibe in our country today was "a return to radical normalcy".  Well-said... 😍

There is still much to accomplish, as well as regain, but with experienced and compassionate leaders at the helm, we can do this... 💖

SONG:  (Everybody's Waitin' for) The Man with a Plan by Laura Benanti and Randy Rainbow

BOOK:  Promises to Keep:  On Life and Politics by Joe Biden

POEM(S):  Remembering Frost at Kennedy’s Inauguration by Linda Pastan

Even the flags seemed frozen

to their poles, and the men

stamping their well-shod feet

resembled an army of overcoats.

But we were young and fueled

by hope, our ardor burned away

the cold. We were the president’s,

and briefly the president would be ours.

The old poet stumbled

over his own indelible words,

his breath a wreath around his face:

a kind of prophecy.

[A Note from the Editor, written 1/20/21:  60 years ago, John F. Kennedy was inaugurated as the 35th President of the United States. Robert Frost became the first poet to read at a US inaugural ceremony, reading his poem "The Gift Outright" from memory, after he was unable to read a poem he wrote for the occasion. Today, the young poet Amanda Gorman will be reading a poem at President Joe Biden's inauguration. In 2014 Gorman was named the first Youth Poet Laureate of Los Angeles, and in 2017 was named the first US National Youth Poet Laureate. She has performed at many prominent venues, including the Obama White House, the Library of Congress, Lincoln Center, and on CBS This Morning.]

The Hill We Climb by Amanda Gorman (watch it here!)

When day comes we ask ourselves,

where can we find light in this never-ending shade?

The loss we carry,

a sea we must wade

We've braved the belly of the beast

We've learned that quiet isn't always peace

And the norms and notions

of what just is

Isn’t always just-ice

And yet the dawn is ours

before we knew it

Somehow we do it

Somehow we've weathered and witnessed

a nation that isn’t broken

but simply unfinished

We the successors of a country and a time

Where a skinny Black girl

descended from slaves and raised by a single mother

can dream of becoming president

only to find herself reciting for one

And yes we are far from polished

far from pristine

but that doesn’t mean we are

striving to form a union that is perfect

We are striving to forge a union with purpose

To compose a country committed to all cultures, colors, characters and

conditions of man

And so we lift our gazes not to what stands between us

but what stands before us

We close the divide because we know, to put our future first,

we must first put our differences aside

We lay down our arms

so we can reach out our arms

to one another

We seek harm to none and harmony for all

Let the globe, if nothing else, say this is true:

That even as we grieved, we grew

That even as we hurt, we hoped

That even as we tired, we tried

That we’ll forever be tied together, victorious

Not because we will never again know defeat

but because we will never again sow division

Scripture tells us to envision

that everyone shall sit under their own vine and fig tree

And no one shall make them afraid

If we’re to live up to our own time

Then victory won’t lie in the blade

But in all the bridges we’ve made

That is the promise to glade

The hill we climb

If only we dare

It's because being American is more than a pride we inherit,

it’s the past we step into

and how we repair it

We’ve seen a force that would shatter our nation

rather than share it

Would destroy our country if it meant delaying democracy

And this effort very nearly succeeded

But while democracy can be periodically delayed

it can never be permanently defeated

In this truth

in this faith we trust

For while we have our eyes on the future

history has its eyes on us

This is the era of just redemption

We feared at its inception

We did not feel prepared to be the heirs

of such a terrifying hour

but within it we found the power

to author a new chapter

To offer hope and laughter to ourselves

So while once we asked,

how could we possibly prevail over catastrophe?

Now we assert

How could catastrophe possibly prevail over us?

We will not march back to what was

but move to what shall be

A country that is bruised but whole,

benevolent but bold,

fierce and free

We will not be turned around

or interrupted by intimidation

because we know our inaction and inertia

will be the inheritance of the next generation

Our blunders become their burdens

But one thing is certain:

If we merge mercy with might,

and might with right,

then love becomes our legacy

and change our children’s birthright

So let us leave behind a country

better than the one we were left with

Every breath from my bronze-pounded chest,

we will raise this wounded world into a wondrous one

We will rise from the gold-limbed hills of the west,

we will rise from the windswept northeast

where our forefathers first realized revolution

We will rise from the lake-rimmed cities of the midwestern states,

we will rise from the sunbaked south

We will rebuild, reconcile and recover

and every known nook of our nation and

every corner called our country,

our people diverse and beautiful will emerge,

battered and beautiful

When day comes we step out of the shade,

aflame and unafraid

The new dawn blooms as we free it

For there is always light,

if only we’re brave enough to see it

If only we’re brave enough to be it

QUOTE(S):  "Whatever your past has been, you have a spotless future." ~ Melanie Gustafson

“When power leads men towards arrogance, poetry reminds him of his limitations. When power narrows the areas of man’s concern, poetry reminds him of the richness and diversity of his existence. When power corrupts, poetry cleanses.” ~ John F. Kennedy

Write This Number Down (Dar Williams)

From singer-songwriter Dar Williams:

I am hoping that you can participate in Steps2021.  When I saw that mob of people on the Capitol steps, I remembered the piece I had written about how people can demonstrate by singing on steps.  WELL, because of the pandemic, the idea of singing (a no-no in groups...) on steps to counter the image of insurrecting on steps has devolved and evolved into STEPS 2021, complete with website and hashtags! 

Also, could you share this with your friends and really encourage them into doing something, too?!  We're going to have teenagers helping with social media. I'm just Paul Revere with a horse.  I only know how to ride around like a maniac and shout to people I know and love to spread the word!  If you could tell your congregation, folk buds, and family to "find their steps", we think we're going to hit a wonderful tipping point.  If you could go online and say you're going to participate, that would be wonderful, too.  Oy, I am not the queen of the elevator pitch.  But I hope you can do this!  

We're asking people to take a picture or video clip of themselves on their favorite and/or safest steps, any steps that they love and associate with the steps (or ramps) we take into places where we work collaboratively and constructively for the future.  This is to counter the images of armed people who are expected to show up at state capitol buildings (don't go to capitol building steps). 

To learn more about Steps2021, the website is www.Steps2021.org, BUT we're simply asking people to do one or both of these things:

1. BEFORE INAUGURATION DAY: Take a picture of yourselves, your families, pods, etc. on the steps of your choosing: place of worship, library, town hall, home, apartment stoop, along with whatever prop or nice outfit you choose... with a painting, a smile, or a peace sign, in a uniform or in a ball gown. OR...Take a video of yourselves singing, speaking, playing music. 

---SEND IT TO MYSTEPS@STEPS2021.org along with a little caption of where you are and why these steps are important to you.  

---Share it with your friends as a way to spread the word that we are going to be posting a wonderful stream of images and videos on Inauguration morning before Biden's inaugural march.  

2. ON INAUGURATION MORNING: Take and/or post a picture of yourselves, your families, pods, etc. on the steps of your choosing: place of worship, library, town hall, home, apartment stoop, along with whatever prop or nice outfit you choose... with a painting, a smile, or a peace sign, in a uniform or in a ball gown. OR...Take a video of yourselves singing, speaking, playing music. 

---SEND IT TO MYSTEPS@STEPS2021.org and our socials as well as your socials, along with hashtags and with a little caption of where you are and why these steps are important to you. 

---Share it with your friends and with us at our website and on social media.  

I registered for this event, and will be participating too.  Check out the website;  even if we can't sing (for pandemic reasons, as Dar said), there are plenty of ways to make our presence known.  I'm sharing here because I'm not on social media but, for those of you who are, I am counting on you to pass on this message, as well as post your Steps on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, etc.  As the old protest song goes:  one and one and fifty make a million!

Here are two photos, the first of which (me with Colin) I've already e-mailed to MySteps@Steps2021.org with the following caption:

On the stairs of my South Florida condo, reading to my 2-1/2-year-old grandson Colin, my heart.  Every STEP of political activism I take (voting Blue, fighting for climate change regulations, enacting standards for Justice and Equality, the right to Choose, etc.) is for him and his future! (Susan Moss, Pembroke Pines FL)

...and the second (just me) I will be e-mailing Inauguration Day morning (between 9:30 and 11:30 a.m.) with the caption below:

On the steps of my my 55+ condo community in South Florida, counting my blessings that I have adequate insurance coverage, can afford to eat nutritiously, have wide-open spaces to walk an hour a day, and enjoy good health such that I'm able to take the stairs 99% of the time.  So excited for Joe Biden and Kamala Harris to return our country to positivity and forward motion! (Susan Moss, Pembroke Pines FL)

Thanks again to Dar for alerting me to this action.  By the way, her elevator pitch was spot-on... :-)

P.S.  Puttering around online, following Steps2021 links, and found this (go to the 1:14 mark).  I had already chosen the title song for today's blog post hours ago and, synchronistically, wouldn't you know that's the tune Dar performs in this video segment!  Thank you, Universe... 😍

#Steps2021

#TheFutureWeBuildTogether

#PeaceWithJustice

SONG:  Write This Number Down by Dar Williams ("welcome to this land and yes, we still have all those marble steps to climb" indeed... 💞)

BOOK:  The Front Steps Project: How Communities Found Connection During the COVID-19 Crisis by Kristen Collins, Cara Soulia

POEM:  Strangers by Laszlo Slomovits

A man is running hard

to catch the bus that just left.

It’s picking up speed but he

pulls even and raps on its side,

and a woman by the window

yells to the driver, who stops

and opens the accordion door.

But the man does not get on—

he points back to an old woman

who has not run a step

in a very long time

shuffling towards the bus.

Nor does he leave until he’s

helped her up both steps

then walks back slowly

still breathing hard

toward us who are

waiting for a different bus.

What can a group of strangers

do at a time like this?

A time in its own tiny way like

when Bob Hayes roared by them all

to bring the relay home,

or when Billy Mills devoured

the last 50 of the 10,000 meters

or when Joan Benoit came striding

into the stadium alone—and all of us

strangers stood up and cheered.

QUOTE:  "The vision must be followed by the venture. It is not enough to stare up the steps - we must step up the stairs." ~ Vance Havner

Call It Democracy (Bruce Cockburn)

I couldn't decide between the two memes, so you get both (the first from Sarah via her friend Nicole, and the second from Judi via her daughter Jennifer).  Thanks and love to all.

Where do I even begin?  How much time do you have?  Last week's insurrection/riot (it was not a f*cking protest!) was the proverbial poop icing on the sh*tshow cake that has been this presidency.  Crazy that it is only in the last two weeks that some (not all, mind you!) Republicans (including our Vice President) have realized it's a smart move to abandon the sinking ship.  Then again, they are doing it for the party, and not for any reasons of ethics or integrity.  Where were they for the last four years as everything we stood for during the intelligent and articulate eight-year Obama administration was systematically dismantled?  Really, they get a wake-up call two weeks before Biden's inauguration?  Then again, better late than never, I guess. [shrugging woman emoji is working overtime these days]

To paraphrase the longstanding chant:  this has *not* been what democracy looks like!  But we are soon to be reminded that our country consists of more than angry white racist armed men (and women) who thrive on hatred and violence.  Justice and equality will prevail, and I will breathe a huge sigh of relief when we are moving forward again... 💞

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert YouTube Channel says it all.

 

This from Penzeys:  "Honesty is the heart of democracy. This week after 25,000 false and misleading statements by the president we witnessed the clearest example yet of how far from truly safe these lies have left our democracy. As a spice business we connect you to history like pretty much no other business, and if history has a lesson about democracy it’s that democracies are a lot like chickens. If you want to keep them safe you have to keep the foxes out of the henhouse.

That so many congressional Republicans after Wednesday’s events would choose to vote against the will of the people and vote in favor of fueling the president’s lies about the outcome of November’s election is heartbreaking, but after these last four years not unexpected. The henhouse of American democracy is now thick with foxes.

We’ve overcome so much these past four years, but to hold onto our hard-won victories we are going to have to get back to the basics of democracy building. That starts with standing up for truth and holding those accountable whose lies intentionally destroy the public good. We have laws against most everything that we’ve witnessed since the election and it’s past time we use those laws. But this is about more than laws, this is about basic decency and the fundamental difference between truth and lies, between right and wrong.

As we witnessed this Wednesday, Republican lies about the legitimacy of November’s election have brought our nation to the brink. There’s a very good probability that not all of Wednesday’s events were actually spontaneous, and that a whole lot of what we saw was crafted. History is full of what at first appeared to be failed coups that turned out to be dry runs for future success. It’s time to be done believing there is some sort of politeness in failing to call out the lies of those who would do our country harm. In this moment the stakes are far too high to be silent.

Truth has a fundamental basic value far too great for us to simply let it be another victim of our time. As cooks, as people who give of ourselves to care for others, the values we live by are far more respected than many of us may imagine. Through caring for others you’ve earned moral authority; please use your standing to speak out for the truth. Your country needs you."

SONG:  Call It Democracy by Bruce Cockburn

BOOK:  Democracy in One Book or Less: How It Works, Why It Doesn't, and Why Fixing It Is Easier Than You Think by David Litt

POEM(S):  What Kind of Times Are These by Adrienne Rich

There's a place between two stands of trees where the grass grows uphill

and the old revolutionary road breaks off into shadows

near a meeting-house abandoned by the persecuted

who disappeared into those shadows.

I've walked there picking mushrooms at the edge of dread, but don't be fooled

this isn't a Russian poem, this is not somewhere else but here,

our country moving closer to its own truth and dread,

its own ways of making people disappear.

I won't tell you where the place is, the dark mesh of the woods

meeting the unmarked strip of light—

ghost-ridden crossroads, leafmold paradise:

I know already who wants to buy it, sell it, make it disappear.

And I won't tell you where it is, so why do I tell you

anything? Because you still listen, because in times like these

to have you listen at all, it's necessary

to talk about trees.

Revolutionary Letter #1 by Diane di Prima

I have just realized that the stakes are myself

I have no other

ransom money, nothing to break or barter but my life

my spirit measured out, in bits, spread over

the roulette table, I recoup what I can

nothing else to shove under the nose of the maitre de jeu

nothing to thrust out the window, no white flag

this flesh all I have to offer, to make the play with

this immediate head, what it comes up with, my move

as we slither over this go board, stepping always

(we hope) between the lines

QUOTE:  "It'll be a shame if history allows one horrific event on this President's watch to overshadow all the other horrific events on this President's watch." ~ Stephen Colbert

Upside Down (Jack Johnson)

"Why is it that when something bad happens, it feels terrible? I have been so conditioned to strive for success that when something goes wrong I feel terrible and I feel like a failure. But usually in time, after I get over myself, that failure turns into a valuable lesson. Of course to get to this point it normally takes time and perspective to see it as the lesson it is instead of the failure that it feels like. I truly believe that if I could remember this at the time I could get to the lesson sooner instead of dwelling on the failure and spend more of my time in joy. At these times this lesson serves me well, there is no such thing as failure, only feedback. My failure is only a failure if I fail to see the feedback, to take the lesson and apply it so that it is only a step on the way to eventual success, even if that success looks very different than what my original vision might have been. Funny how limited my vision can be without the valuable feedback I need to see my success a different way."  Thanks to Sheryl Cattell (a UU-church friend as well as music buddy), Personal Legend Coaching, LLC

I've had this prepared, with every intention (see what I did there!) of uploading it January 1, 2021... but, due to circumstances discussed in a previous post, I had a bit of a delay... 😲

In her December 28, 2007 blog, Resolution Revolution: A Better Way to Start Your Year, Christine Kane writes (click the link for the full article):  Several years ago, my friend Kathy and I decided that, instead of making resolutions, we would pick a word that would guide us throughout the year. It would be our touchstone. It would remind us of living our lives at the BE level.

I have been choosing a Word of the Year since January 2008, to challenge/motivate/inspire me. In retrospect, some of my previous words/phrases have been Release, Create, Let It Go, Health, Light, Follow-Through, Contentment (wish I could remember them all, which I posted on Facebook when my blog was on hiatus, and now they are lost in cyberspace).  Oh well... [insert shrugging woman emoji here]

We all know 2020 was a sh*t show… and I confess it’s been a test of time management, focus/concentration and interpersonal relationships.  I want to put those twelve months behind me… as a cautionary tale, a growth opportunity, and a rearview mirror experience (while still recognizing the desire to do things differently should the same opportunity present itself again).  2021:  Time to move FORWARD, in all its many definitions:

~ in the direction that one is facing or traveling; toward the front.

~ into a position of prominence or notice.

~ toward the future; ahead in time.

~ moving or tending onward to a successful conclusion.

~ developing or acting earlier than expected or required; advanced or precocious.

~ (of a person) bold or familiar in manner, especially in a presumptuous way.

~ help to advance (something); promote.

I have appreciated the patience and understanding of loved ones in my life as I navigate(d) my way through some rough patches and, since I always want to view everything as a life lesson, I feel I have learned much, despite these crazy pandemic times... and still have much *to* learn.  Forward indeed... 💖

Happy New Year! (albeit a week or so late... 😍 )

SONG:  Upside Down by Jack Johnson [During my renewed walking routine since mid-October, this song kept popping up on my Pandora.  I always scoffed at Jack Johnson's tunes, thinking them fluffy and superficial (I mean, seriously... Banana Pancakes?!?).  Somehow this one got through, it makes me smile every time I hear it... and, although it already speaks to me, I want my life in general to be (more) like this.  Impossible, of course, but a [wo]man's reach should exceed her grasp, right?... 💗 ]

BOOK:  LifeForward: Charting the Journey Ahead by Pamela D. McLean

POEM:  Two Bodies by Octavio Paz

Two bodies face to face

Are at times two waves 

And the night is an ocean.

Two bodies face to face

Are sometimes two stones

And the night a desert.

Two bodies face to face 

Are at times two roots

Intertwined in the night.

Two bodies face to face

Are sometimes two stilettos

And night lightening sparks.

Two bodies face to face

Are two stars who are falling

In a naked sky.

QUOTE:  "Because we're doing the best we can, we really are. We're trying to be grown-up and love each other and understand how the hell you're supposed to insert USB leads. We're looking for something to cling on to, something to fight for, something to look forward to. We're doing all we can to teach our children how to swim. We have all of this in common, yet most of us remain strangers, we never know what we do to each other, how your life is affected by mine.

Perhaps we hurried past each other in a crowd today, and neither of us noticed, and the fibers of your coat brushed against mine for single moment and then we were gone. I don't know who you are.

But when you get home this evening, when this day is over and the night takes us, allow yourself a deep breath. Because we made it through this day as well.

There'll be another one along tomorrow." ~ Fredrik Backman, from his novel Anxious People

Carry On (fun.)

No commentary this morning.  Don't read anything into it.  Just seems that all the elements came together to make sense to me. I heard this song (new to me) on Zoey's Extraordinary Playlist Tuesday night (if you are not familiar, go go go watch it now; Season 2 just started on NBC, and Season 1 is available on Hulu!), and the poem popped up in my inbox Friday morning.  Aren't I a lucky woman to magnetize these works of art into my personal Universe? ... 💞

And this:

SONG:  Carry On by fun.

BOOK:  The Listening Path: The Creative Art of Attention (A 6-Week Artist's Way Program) by Julia Cameron

POEM:  [i don't know what living a balanced life feels like] by rupi kaur

i don't know what living a balanced life feels like

when i am sad

i don't cry i pour

when i am happy

i don't smile i glow

when i am angry

i don't yell i burn

the good thing about feeling in extremes is

when I love I give them wings

but perhaps that isn't

such a good thing cause

they always tend to leave

and you should see me

when my heart is broken

i don't grieve

i shatter

QUOTE:  “I have been thinking lately about what it would be like to lose the compulsion to create, to make poems, or any kind of art. Would I miss it? My life would surely be less hectic, spiritually speaking. I am curious, but curious the way I am curious about what it is like to be something I can’t even conceive of being, like a stone, or the sound of water dripping. Another state of being I will have to write my way toward, I guess.” ~ Marc Pietrzykowski

Double Vision (Foreigner)

Well, this was supposed to be a post about my "resolutions" for the New Year but, as we all know (thanks to John Lennon), life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans.  Long Story Short:  everything's okay, but I was in the hospital for 48+ hours.

Long Story Long:  I suggest you make yourself a cup of hot tea (or pour a glass of wine) and pull up a chair.  We're going to be here a while!

I started with blurry vision earlier in the day on New Year's Eve, which I chalked up to eyestrain (hey, I *did* read 100 books in 2020, right?... 😃)  Thought I could go to sleep and wake up fine.  The next morning, it was not only still there, but it was worse.  Gave it another day and, when it had not improved, I decided to visit the Urgent Care across the street (Saturday, January 2).  Obviously Chico had to drive me as I could not and, of course during these COVID times, he was not allowed to stay with me, so I told him to go home, and promised to keep him posted.  I assumed they would give me some eyedrops, and let me go home.  Wrong!

When they checked me in, one of the first things they did was take my blood pressure, which was crazy high; I do have "white coat" reactions anyway, but this was beyond that, so they did an EKG immediately (which was normal).  Swooped me back to a curtained room, hooked me up to a heart monitor and a blood pressure cuff, started an IV port, and gave me an injection of Labetalol.

[Aside:  when I visited my primary care P.A. in mid-October, my blood pressure as well as blood sugar was higher than she wanted it to be, and she prescribed medication.  I, however, wanted to try to bring everything down through diet and exercise, so I didn't fill the prescriptions.  I've also been vegan for 3 1/2 years, and although my food choices are not perfect, I thought they were pretty d*mn good, but I tweaked them a bit anyway.  I also started walking an hour a day then which, in retrospect, probably saved me!] 

When my blood pressure didn't come down substantially, they decided to transfer me to Memorial West Hospital, about 10 minutes down the road (mandatory to give me a COVID test before doing that; next-day results were negative).  I was thinking my husband could just pick me up and drive me over there, but nooooo... it had to be by ambulance, with the siren blaring.  It seemed excessive and laughable; I was feeling no adverse health effects, other than the vision issue, which had now been put on the back burner due to the suspected hypertension and pre-diabetes (determined by a blood test).

I saw more health care professionals in two days than I did in the entirety of 2020.  In addition to the EKG, I also had an echocardiogram, as well as a CT scan (hilarious, because they made me take off all my jewelry which, for those who know me, realize what an ordeal that was:  a watch, four bracelets on each arm, two rings on my left hand, one ring on my right hand, three necklaces, three earrings in *each* ear, and a nose ring!).

Finally moved me to a *real* room at 11 p.m. Saturday night, which was great because they removed the blood pressure cuff and gave me a portable heart monitor, meaning I could move around/go to the bathroom without having to ask anyone to unhook as well as hook me back up (as I had to in the ER).  

There was a mix-up with my nutritional needs the first morning I was there because, even though Vegan Diet was in my patient chart and on the whiteboard in my room, I received eggs (twice).  Then I got a phone call from Bianca, the hospital dietitian, who straightened it out, and provided me with lovely vegetable options the remainder of my stay (hooray!).  Also, Sarah put together (and dropped off) a goody bag for me of bananas, peanut butter, an avocado, and a delicious Parlour Vegan sandwich to make sure I was set.

Sunday morning, a neurologist stopped by, and said:  "it's not a tumor, it's not an aneurysm, it's not a stroke" (thankyoujesus!)... and proceeded to tell me exactly what it *was*:  Left Cranial Nerve VI Palsy which, in my case, was triggered by the high blood pressure and, according to reports:  "in many patients, 6th cranial nerve palsies resolve once the underlying disorder is treated. Idiopathic palsy and ischemic palsy usually abate within 2 months".

A few observations, and then I will wrap this up!

During my hospital stay, I kept hearing 10-second clips of two songs throughout the day, and finally asked one of the nurses:  Twinkle Twinkle Little Star is played when a baby is born... and the Theme Song to Rocky when a COVID patient goes home.  Joy and Happy Tears... 💞

My husband texted me late Saturday night, while I was still in the ER waiting for a room:

Chico:  The apartment is a very lonely place right now.  I hope you can get some sleep.  Sending you a big hug while watching the end of Notting Hill with the song She in the background.

Me:  I'm just a girl, hooked up to a blood pressure monitor, waiting to regain my perfect vision... 😁

 

We had a running family text thread (Chico, Sarah, Rob, and Eric) of love, concern, and support... which sustained me throughout.  I am grateful to have such a wonderful family (as well as my sister and brother, and other near-and-dear friends I kept in the loop).

I honestly felt great the entire time (except for that pesky blurred/double vision), and the whole experience recalibrated my thoughts/attitude.  I am used to having one of my family members in the hospital bed and, being their advocate, sleeping in the crappy recliner.  Now that the situation was reversed, yes... it was hard not having anyone by my side, but I kept thinking of those with COVID or other more serious illness, not able to have their loved one(s) nearby.  My main goal was to remain patient and low-maintenance; I really only needed a large cup of ice every few hours so I could stay hydrated.  I also never watched one minute of TV, because my brain was already so overloaded and I used it as a Zen moment/long weekend... ☮

Also, it is painfully obvious that all of the nurses/staff are overworked and overstressed.  *Most* are beyond compassionate and empathic, and there were a few who lapsed into negative and judgy behavior.  I will leave it at that for now, but I do have examples.

"Only to find Gideons Bible"... 😆

The hospital doctor came in the morning of Monday, January 4 and announced that I was being discharged about lunchtime, which really meant 4:30 p.m., but that's okay because I was finally getting sprung.  Ah, home to my own bed and pillow (substantially better than the standard-issue pancake-thin facsimiles they provide!).  My takeaways:

~ This was all one big fat f*cking wake-up call, meaning I am now on medication as well as much more carefully watching my food choices.  No more processed/convenience foods; reminding myself that Vegan = Whole Food Plant Based.

~ It was recommended by the neurologist that I use a patch throughout the day, alternating between eyes to strengthen both.  Walked yesterday, sans patch, which was tricky, but I *needed* to get back into my routine, so I'm taking it slowly.  Also, I am not "allowed" to drive for a while, so I had to ask Chico to return my library books.  I f*cking hate being dependent on others for anything.  Grrr.

~ I kept my phone on mute the whole time I was in the hospital, and will continue that habit most of the day.  Normally my cell sounds like a 7-11 (ding ding ding!), which is very stressful.  I have learned that most things can wait, and rarely does anyone need an immediate turnaround time.

~ For now, I am switching to decaf coffee because of the high blood pressure issues.  Can't hurt, might help, right?

~ Also, this article popped up yesterday (Whole Foods CEO Takes Heat for Saying the Best Healthcare Solution Is 'to Change the Way People Eat') and... I don't think he's wrong (there are obvious exceptions for COVID, etc.).  Mostly, we really are what we eat!

NR:  Actually, nothing right now, as I need to concentrate on getting my vision back, which will happen if I follow the recommendations I've noted above.  My intention was that A Promised Land by Barack Obama would be my first book of 2021, but that seems pretty daunting, considering.  Setting manageable goals so I can get back on the Goodreads train as soon as possible.  Right now I'm attempting to process Your Body in Balance: The New Science of Food, Hormones, and Health by Neal D Barnard MD FACC, Lindsay Nixon (Contributor) 

SONG:  Double Vision by Foreigner (those of you know me, and aware of my "distaste" for one-word-named 80s bands, are probably laughing your *sses off now... 😲 )

BOOK:  Dream It. Pin It. Live It.: Make Vision Boards Work for You by Terri Savelle Foy

POEM:  Allow by Danna Faulds

There is no controlling life.

Try corralling a lightning bolt,

containing a tornado.  Dam a

stream and it will create a new

channel.  Resist, and the tide

will sweep you off your feet.

Allow, and grace will carry

you to higher ground.  The only

safety lies in letting it all in –

the wild and the weak; fear,

fantasies, failures and success.

When loss rips off the doors of

the heart, or sadness veils your

vision with despair, practice

becomes simply bearing the truth.

In the choice to let go of your

known way of being, the whole

world is revealed to your new eyes.

QUOTE:  “Time and patience are the strongest warriors.” ~ Leo Tolstoy