Monday, July 19, 2010

Disorder in the House (Warren Zevon)

I am still here, although it's been three months since I've checked in with my blog - I'd like to say I'm okay... but that would not be true. July 19 is the one-year anniversary of my mom's passing - I have spent the last two months re-tracing my steps as to what I was doing this time last year (caregiving since mid-May). Today feels like a destination of sorts, of raw grief and the beginnings of healing - I have allowed myself minor meltdowns in these last 24 hours but, as soon as I hit Publish Post, I will get in the jacuzzi and weep until I am empty...

Today also marks eight years since Dave Carter died - I am exhausted, I am sad, I am bone-weary... and I leave for Falcon Ridge (by way of Boston) in a few hours. I will only get a few hours sleep - it is now 5 a.m. although, for clarity's sake, this post is dated yesterday to honor The Day of the Dead...

I had grand plans for this post, and it has fizzled along with my energy level - my annual festival beckons, and with it a promise of rejuvenation and regrouping and renewal. I have to snap out of this emotional chaos, and surrounding myself with music friends is a lovely first step - Mom and Dave would want it that way... and I trust them to lead me on the path to, as my friend Myra says, "the new normal" (sigh)...

SONG: Disorder in the House by Warren Zevon

BOOK: The Shadow Effect: Illuminating the Hidden Power of Your True Self by Deepak Chopra, Marianne Williamson, Debbie Ford

POEM: The Wind Blows Through the Doors of My Heart by Deborah Digges

The wind blows
through the doors of my heart.
It scatters my sheet music
that climbs like waves from the piano, free of the keys.
Now the notes stripped, black butterflies,
flattened against the screens.
The wind through my heart
blows all my candles out.
In my heart and its rooms is dark and windy.
From the mantle smashes birds' nests, teacups
full of stars as the wind winds round,
a mist of sorts that rises and bends and blows
or is blown through the rooms of my heart
that shatters the windows,
rakes the bedsheets as though someone
had just made love. And my dresses
they are lifted like brides come to rest
on the bedstead, crucifixes,
dresses tangled in trees in the rooms
of my heart. To save them
I've thrown flowers to fields,
so that someone would pick them up
and know where they came from.
Come the bees now clinging to flowered curtains.
Off with the clothesline pinning anything, my mother's trousseau.
It is not for me to say what is this wind
or how it came to blow through the rooms of my heart.
Wing after wing, through the rooms of the dead
the wind does not blow. Nor the basement, no wheezing,
no wind choking the cobwebs in our hair.
It is cool here, quiet, a quilt spread on soil.
But we will never lie down again.

QUOTE: "Like cars in amusement parks, our direction is often determined through collisions." ~ Yahia Lababidi


  1. I, too, have been neglectful of my blog because of weariness and woe. I hope your trip was all that you'd hoped for, healing and rejuvenating at the same time.


  2. Hey, M ~

    Weariness and woe... my next tattoo - this first year was infinitely harder than I expected. It was an amazing getaway... and I'm trying to snap out of my stupor and move on - thanks for checking in... <3

  3. Dear Susan~
    So sorry to hear of your mom's passing. My mom continues to hang on, yet her quality of life is severely compromised. I hope that happiness finds you very, very soon.
    Thinking of you.

  4. Hey, Kate ~

    Thanks for stopping in... and sorry it took me so long to approve your comment - I *am* happy... and then I am sad... and then I'm happy again. The Circle of Life continues - I really do mean to get back to blogging, as I miss it terribly. Words fail these days - don't give up on me... <3

  5. I watched the Wizard of Oz again...last night. My daughters sent it as a gift. I plugged the other DVD in as we had too much snow and all one could do was sit it out. I came upon Optimistic Voices, the song, the singers. With satellite reconnection, I googled Optimistic Voices and found you...
    I love what you say, what you feel, all that you've discovered and shared. Mighty good of you. I see Max Ehrmann quoted down below, the thing he wrote that changed my direction many years back. The great big weirdo(god) is who I conceive him to be thus far
    Anyway- I feel a need to share with you something he wrote as well, perhaps a bit more obscure...helped me in all my questioning-

    "...I believe that the god of the world knows all and someday will tell the tale..."
    That line followed "with a laugh and a wale."
    Peace to you as you find it, as you can. Hope to hear from you again in the fullness of time.(You don't have to post this...just passing through.)
    Take care-

  6. Dear, dear truewonder -

    Today's post was for you... a random stranger who reminded me "life is for living" (Joni) and took the time to drop a thoughtful and compassionate comment - simply... thank you... as I feel great relief at the first step toward unblocking the torrent of words log-jammed in my head...

    The Wizard of Oz is one big-*ss metaphor - how synchronistic it led to me...

    I love the Max Ehrmann quote - "laughing and crying... you know it's the same release" (Joni again... :-)

    Again, thanks for your kindness and well-wishes of peace and care - I look forward to more path-crossing... <3